Saturday, January 29, 2005

A Scriptural Journey...defining CrackCocaine

I find power and relief in the printed word, in both reading and writing, more in the writing than the reading. When my despair was below hitting bottom, I started writing anything that came to mind. I also started reading all I could, especially when the words felt healing. Then to be able to write words that felt healing and then to add playing guitar notes that seemed to blend together and these felt soothing, all this seemed to be what I was supposed to be doing. At the time I had no idea what it all meant but it felt like peaceful spiritual progress was being made in ever so teeny tiny microscopic baby steps…and the positive forces of life were leading me down into new territory and I was very willing to go.
When I describe scriptures and their meaning to me, this is part of how “my program” works for me. When I read scriptures and a meaning jumps out at me, I go with it. Most probably do not go along with a pastoral translation, but as long as words are not added or subtracted or changed then whatever meaning penetrates the evil crack stench bubble, than so be it. If it works then maybe God meant just that meaning for just you to believe and practice. All that really matters is that crack disappears from the face of the earth, and with the power of printed scriptures for us to benefit from, seek and you will find the right meaning for you the user or you the victim.
The first scripture that I read that actually felt real and that it might be true or at least I was desperately hoping could be true was Psalm 34. I was living in a rat and cock-roach infested rooming hotel. Every drug addict, pimp and easy crack babe were no further than 50 feet away at any given moment. After reading Psalm 34 I felt a very slight faint glimmer of possible hope. It was so small you would miss it if your heart was not actually crying out for relief from the madness of smoking crack cocaine. It was years later that I was crack-free. I am hoping in my heart I can save people some time with my truths exposed. Anything could help, a word, a song, a person who has been there and knows the truth. PSALM 34 - “I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. Come, my children, listen, to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; the face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken. Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems his servants; no one who takes refuge in him, will be condemned”. I really wanted what this was saying. I needed to have it or I would die. This only planted a less than mustard seed in my heart. I soon turned my back again and went for the madness of smoking crack. The words in Psalm 34 spoke to my heart daily. I chose to ignore them. The hope was there, but the sweetness of the devil’s candy was overpowering. What a journey this would be.
I sought scriptures that could place some semblance in the madness surrounding my zero life. I had tried everything else, nothing was or seemed to help or work in ridding my soul of this horrible contamination from the devil’s candy. God’s word penetrated the evil crack stench bubble that up until now had been able to block any attempt to be crack-free.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened”. Matthew 7:7-8
*The initiative has to come from oneself. No one else can implement this. No matter how much desire or simply wanting the end stage or magic poof cleanness, none of this will likely happen on our time. Our time is just that-our time. The frustrating part is asking without instant results. In fact with crack the complete opposite seems or actually does occur. The instant I asked from the heart, it still took 3 more years (on my time) to be free completely from crack. Evidently my lessons were not done yet. The door was opened, I just had to hang on and trust God and keep going through that door until it closed behind me.
Jesus said, “What is impossible with men is possible with God”. Luke 18:27
I was around treatment people all 105 of them and being drilled that we are addicts and alcoholics period. Nothing more nothing less. This seemed very phony. I did not relate to this way of thinking. I gave it my best attempt, but just could not convince myself that this is it and that is all it is! I always felt it was a contamination of some sort, unable to identify it but felt it was. It definitely was stronger and more power than a room full of people preaching treatment and meetings and zero about the truth of the spiritual binding element that crack cocaine has, but then maybe they did not know from lack of true experience with the crack-bite and not from some page from a clinical textbook, page 402, section 13. Realizing it IS the devil’s candy allows my faith to overcome this sweetness of deception. It still is a daily spiritual battle; but now because of my faith in God, I have trust in HIS deliverance.
“Daughter your faith has healed you, go in peace and be free from your suffering”.
Mark 5:34
This scripture had me running out a door to get to a safe place. I went to yet another ‘treatment’ place, and it was a very horrifying experience for my soul and spirit. I will not say the name exactly, merely because in case someone is getting the “help” they need to get clean. This place was a “Challenge” especially for teens…I do not want to bury this places policies, but at the time I was there, it was a mess. I was there less than 15 minutes and joined the prayer group in the gym. Within minutes people were falling back on the floor kind of flopping and speaking in what they were calling tongues. The hair on the back of neck was completely standing straight up, stiffly. Some new arrivals came into the room and within minutes a few of them were flopping and speaking in the “hahbah hahbah aahhcktoo hahbah” stuff. Huh? What the heck is all this I asked quite bluntly. I was there to get better and really needed it and really wanted it, and now this phony stuff. I was told that this speaking is the manifestation of the ‘Holy Spirit”. I said yeah and…I was then told if you do not speak like this then you do not have the ‘Holy Spirit’ in you!! HUH? What a mess. I am here less than 30 minutes and this is not good. I was also a vegetarian at the time, and kindly asked for an extra banana or a salad and someone can have my calico beef slice of whatever it was, or they could have my gray hotdog and could I get maybe an extra yogurt or something. I was told quite sternly, when you are here long enough (this was a year program) you WILL eat what we serve or go hungry. This is bad. Real bad! How am I going to make it through this for a year. I went out to the back forty where we could go for walks. I completely broke down. I wanted to get better but this was not the place or program for me to do it. I was hurting so bad. I could not leave. That would be failure and everyone would think I do not want to stop smoking crack. This is a mess. No one would answer my calls and no outside world things were allowed. One day cleaning walls that were not dirty, but had to clean anyway, lunch was ready…hmmm….gray hot dogs, a huge mound of cheetos, 1 green apple and water with no ice. I was loosing it and very, very hungry. I had not eaten very much. I tried to find things to eat but you could not switch food with someone who might like too. I am really hungry. I left the lunch line and ran up to my room that housed 45 men in bunk beds 38 inches apart. I cried as silently as one could. With tears flooding my eyes I read Mark 34:5. I wanted to leave. They would not let me. They brought me into the office and had numerous people pray over me and speak (or whatever it was) in tongues. I was numb from remembering an earlier incident in the gym on a Saturday night about 9:30 PM , when a guy grabbed my shoulders and started squinting and chanting and sweating and shaking kind of jolting me while he did the tongue thing. I threw his hands away and got in his face and asked him what the hell he was doing? He said praying for you. If this is how you pray for me, forget it, I do not need that! All this was too creepy for me. Now I am in this office with these weird people speaking in this tongue garbage, holding me hostage, at least that is how I felt. Finally, four hours later I got my $10 from my personal money and they brought me down to the bus station to get back home, even though I had no home. When I called my family to please pick me up at the bus station, it was, well pretty bad. They thought I left because I did not want to stop using crack…when in reality I left to save my soul and spirit. I felt very weird there, like a spell was being cast on me..?! I know it does not sound right…but my truths have set me free and maybe they can help set someone else possessed free. What an experience.
“but I know you. I know that you do not have the love of God in your hearts”.
John 5:42
Not just lip service, from the heart. This is just a place that we get to from grace, mercy and perseverance. When we fall in love, we have little control over our hearts. We are also more vulnerable to getting our hearts crushed when our hearts are fixed on something and that something lets us down. God will never let you down. When our hearts fall in love with God, our focus becomes content and candy proof. Ask God from the heart to start the journey to being crack-free, and trust it will be done. This does not mean out of desperation from a crisis, this means after a clean period of time from crack, maybe 30 days or so, or better yet just time enough for your soul to neutralize, so acceptance can enter.
“I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism, but accepts men from every nation who fears him and do what is right”.
Acts 10:34-35
No crack-head is left out of God’s grace & mercy. The ‘fallen angel’ loves this lie. I felt that I was left out. I kept thinking ‘I’m a crack-head and will never rid myself of this insidious stuff”. I kept hoping God’s grace will go to whoever fears HIM, and does the right thing; like maybe me? A radio personality states it true when she says, “Now go do the right thing”! How true! God accepts us as from wherever, and HE will deliver our souls from the devil’s candy, when our faith has more space in our head than our desire or even just thoughts of smoking crack cocaine. The fear of God has to outweigh the fear of the consequences of smoking crack cocaine period!
“but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance: perseverance, character; and character, hope”.
Romans 5:3-4
There is that word, hope. Hope I can quit. I am sorry and regret that my lessons from smoking crack cocaine hurt my family, friends, my daughter, my wife. Hopefully from my perseverance to keep trying to find what would work for me, will help balance my life now. Why I am here today is directly from Susan and Camille. My daughter and my wife. There have been a lot of people affected by my crack-crap, my mother stressed herself to help find a way, my sister and I lost a chunk from our seamless brother sister relationship, my father just plain buried me early to avoid the reality that it might truly have happened, my brother stayed neutral and now that is a very good thing because I have a good relationship with my brother instead of loosing a chunk here too, I even exposed my crack cocaine behavior to my 80 year old grandmother and to my uncles family, and I am sure that there are others that have all tried and contributed to helping Todd. With even just a little faith in me I am sure pulled some weight. Prayers do get answered. I prayed right in the middle of the despair pit for a daughter and a woman to marry. Both were given to me. I am blessed to have Susan and Camille in my life. Both are phenomenal women, and I believe sent to answer my prayer.
“You shouldn’t stop giving yourselves to each other except when you both agree to do so. And that should be only to give yourselves time to pray for a while. Then you should come together again. In that way Satan will not tempt you when you can’t control yourselves”.
1 Corinthians 7:5
This is obvious. Life for us now is; Camille deals with the victims, and I deal with the user. We separated ourselves to pray for the madness to stop…we got back together…we are giving of ourselves…it says Satan WILL NOT TEMPT…this IS true…it may not feel like it, but we persevered and have faith…faith is the trigger for releasing God’s awesome power…

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Agape Love in 75 Days

There are many ways to stop smoking crack-cocaine. As simple as this seems, it really is true. Crack-cocaine lies. It convinces you that you can have IT and a life, you just have to work it out…again…and again…and again.
This booklet is in a format that without a doubt saved my life. When I was jotting down all these notes, I had no idea it would come to this. As we know GOD has weird ways to get us where HE wants us to be. HIS way works.
It takes 75 days to completely get the spiritual possession (not the secular addiction) of crack-cocaine out. The secular addiction is an on going life long dilemma as long as we buy into we can never completely get rid of an addiction. Well this is not true. This is from our experiences and truths. Clinically it can take about 75 hours. This is not a clinical battle. The spiritual and mind possession can tempt and prod you for quite awhile longer than this format is set up to do. When you do get to the end of the 75 days, the plan and goal is to be exposed to the real truths about crack-cocaine and to have disarmed it to the point that it has started to leave you alone so you can work your program and fight the spiritual battle of your life, for your life. The following pages are set up to be a daily guide. Each day will have one spiritual issue with a scripture of reinforcement. My daughter Sue says we should do these as memory verses. I agree. We also have a quip of the day. There will be more than one spiritual issue per day coming at you, but our focus is on how to accomplish one issue at a time. Each day away from crack-cocaine brings us closer to being completely free from crack. With a true desire and the understanding of where this stuff is really coming from and its only mission to destroy; this understanding and desire will bring you the strength necessary for success. Our measure of success is in our 1st belief and to quote: We believe in each success, not every failure. Success is what you make of it. When contaminated, an hour can be great success.
I do suggest that when a fall, slip, relapse, or picking up again, or whatever term works for you…IMMEDIATELY get back up and go to where you LEFT off…and do it again and again and again until you get it right. Ultimately it goes full circle…and remember…it took me 3 years AFTER I knew what I know now as the truth revealed to my soul as to what this stuff really is…this approach works for me and crack-cocaine will never penetrate me again…this is ONE thing I do know for sure about crack-cocaine… BUT do not worry…I am not too confident…it is just when you do finally get how to do this…it is simple.

from Agape Love by Marilyn Lyon

Todd called me as soon as he was able to tell me the news. Pat the social worker at the Bail Bond Dept. had already called me to tell me she had appeared in court and Todd was definitely going into a Re-Hab Program. Todd and I waited anxiously for an opening to come up. He was euphoric but very nervous and very serious.
He had wished for a long-term residential program for so long and thought it to be hopeless. Now that this had arrived he was terrified that it too would not work. He was terrified that he was hopeless. He was moving neared to that place where crack-heads can not stop and can not live as a crack-head any more.
He finally heard of an opening and was scheduled to move in immediately. He called and gave me a list of things he needed me to buy at the store, and which of his clothes he needed. I had already packed his bag. It had been waiting for weeks. When I arrived with toiletries from the store he had made a list of the cost of each one and totaled them including tax.
"I can get a job and a pass to go to work after I have been here a month. I will pay you back from my first check". And he did.
I visited him every Saturday afternoon for 2 hours. He was both serious and euphoric with energy, zest, confidence and dedication. The old Todd was back. He was very happy and impressed with his caseworker that was on the premises every day. She was able to put what was best for the patient 1st. She gave him many books to read and he devoured each one, taking notes on them! He would bring the book and his notebook to the visiting room when I visited and talked about each one in detail. He even had me get the books I had read from the library and let her read them. Todd was ready to take any program, good or bad into his heart and try and make it work.
He talked non-stop for 2 hours every week. It seems he had lucked out at this facility, which housed people from a large area, even out of state. It involved some serious felony prisoners and all types of substance abuse. Consequently the program was broad and varied. The reading material covered a range of ideas about crack. The lectures were balanced with a variety of types of people with a variety of approaches to various abuses. Meetings were held with a format ranging from AA's to a newer more free-form supportive more positive approach. Todd soon found leaders he admired and identified with. Something that had never happened at meetings he had gone to before.
He was both terrified at the thought of leaving the facilities and impatient to have a life again. He took to heart one of the main aspects of the program, which was whatever is bothering you, whoever is bothering you, however small and insignificant, please, please tell us immediately. Your happiness and peace is very important to us. Your recovery is #1 in our life. We will do anything to help you get there. He became an avid complainer. It always worked. This was his first taste in 6 years of wanting to live his life in a certain way and having control over something that was making this difficult or impossible.
Of all the things he devoured here, that one helped him to take the biggest step. Control over his life control over crack.
While he put everything under a microscope, in every aspect of his life, he began to separate the people around him. Those who were not interested those who were weak and those who 'might' make it. This was another mark off point for him. Seeing himself and seeing those around him just as they really are.
People in the program assured him continually that his recovery was his recovery. Whatever program worked, was the right one. Whatever people helped him, were the right people. He was the free agent here who could design and find exactly what he needed. He was OK. He did not have to fit into an AA program. He could find his own personal program. If someone designated as help, and this person did not say things that had meaning to him, he had the right to reject them and find other people. In spite of this TLC, Todd constantly admired those counselors who also had, a you can not bullshit me, I know all the moves tough and brutally honest, and even a little cynical. He recognized this combination as real tough love.
The counselors did not spend a lot of time on how lethal crack was, or how desperate the life of a crack-head was. Most were pretty well aware of by now. There were those there who did not want to know. The why's were left a lot to the individual to find. The what's were stressed. Not so much here is a list of how to's, but what could work for you. In the midst of a monolithic mortally lethal substance epidemic, with no road maps, were these brave souls-the counselors and addicts were trying to find their way out of the wilderness together. That is what made it work. Together. Crack-heads do not need experts to write out a program in stone. They need people to work with them through this wilderness, pooling resources as if they were a combat unit shedding real tears when one of them did not make it.
I studied his body language. I studied his words. I studied his program and for the first time I was content. I would not hook myself into making stone chiseled proclamations. It would be 9 months out of the program before any of us would say, "I think he is going to make it". But I felt something shift in him. There was new grease in the gears.
He felt it too and there were days when he knew positively that he could do it. And days when he was terrified to be out there alone again. He wanted to leave every day and get restarted on recapturing life again, but he was terrified too. As though some monster from "Alien" was out there looking for any organization of society to eliminate, and it was just him and this slimy grotesque animal to battle it out. He counted the days to his release and clung more tightly to what was around him!
It seemed that no matter how strong he was, how armed, how padded, there was still this terror of this monster out there. Was he really strong enough, armed enough, and padded enough? What was enough? It was the nightmare of all nightmares. It was the creature of all creatures.
It was that his brother Scott who came down every Sunday to pick him up and drop him off at a church. By then Scott believed only GOD could give any real guarantees in Todd's life and none of us cared who gave Todd the key, we just wanted him to have it. We were all dedicated in our own way to try and bring it all into Todd's life, to try.
If you ask Todd what was the key that finally took away that terror that still lurked inside him, even with the Re-Hab Program working miracles in his life, he will tell you he prayed and prayed for GOD to take away the desire for crack. Because this was the terror inside him even with all the tools, the strength and the steps to help him, he was terrified that the desire was still there and might be more powerful.
Until one day he walked out of the church and the desire was gone. He said from that day on, "I never think of crack. I have no thoughts about it and am not interested in it. I have no reason to or no need to ever do it again.
The terror inside him was so great, this miracle to Todd was above and beyond anything else. His need to have; no thoughts or interest or desire for crack, as well as the emotional and intellectual tools and so eliminate the terror of a monster that had gripped his life for 6 years was so important to him that there were no miracles above this one.
I can live with that. Certainly I believe most completely in miracles, and GOD"S power. I also believe GOD helps those who help themselves and who know what to do with that help and who truly needs it. And HE helps those who help others.
Todd's miracle was a package deal. He did try to help himself and we learned how to help him. Many people including a society of people, the counselors bravely walking through wilderness with no road map for crack-heads. Pat at Bail Bonds Dept., whose last name I never knew, came into our lives so briefly yet was part of this miracle. I would not want to take one card form the house of cards for fear it would all tumble down. It is hard for me to separate any one part of all the things that helped Todd, and say this is the one that really did it. He traveled a long road with many people to even get miracle status. Perhaps he needed to. But for Todd, after collecting all he had collected on his journey, and taking this journey with all the people he did, his terror of the desire was the greatest obstacle and only GOD could remove that. And HE did.
My daughter said, "You had a lot to do with this. I do not know if it would have happened without you". Why didn't I feel that's true? I would stop and think when she said it, of what specifically did I do that made a difference? I never could pinpoint it. I do think it was not as people think it was. Similar, but not the same. Certainly there were things I did with no motivation other than help or cure Todd. But that could not be sustained for long in the chaotic ups and downs, disappointments and failures of having a crack-head son. What I did was sustain myself. Help myself to get through it. Made myself feel as good as I possibly could to endure it. Had he died, I would have been able to draw on this. As it was it got me through. And in the process helped him. It did not cure him. Only he could do that.
He was not entirely alone, either. Neither was I, because it was a very lonely time for both of us. To death, or to life, I had to take that walk with him, or I could not have lived with it.
AGAPE LOVE? It seems too perfect a feat for me. Maybe a mini Agape Love was achieved-sometimes.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

The House That Crack Built...12 Year Old Article by Kent Dixon

This is a great read describing crackcocaine from the actual user view. Crack is so difficult to describe...and this article is one of the best I have read. Hope you enjoy it as much!

"There's a lot of talk about Crack these days but not much about the house that Crack lives in. So we the inmates of the Clark County Jail will take you on a tour of the Crack House himself.
So come on up here on the porch of this old house, it sure ain't no home. More like Grand Central Station with all the people coming and going. People laughing, people crying, people just hanging out--no matter the temperature. Guy standing on the porch in zero weather hugging his elbows--people wonder what's the matter with him?
Crack cocaine. He sold the coat off his back to the Dopeman for crumbs. Mere crumbs.
He could use that coat indoors: crack houses usually about as cold as they are bare. Electricity and gas . . . luxuries. No electricity equals no stove, no cooking, no TV, no popcorn. No hot tea. No ice tea. (No ice.) No phone ringing. Lots of fast food wrappers laying around or maybe crammed into a box or trash can, not that anyone ever empties it.
The couch sits squat to the floor instead of on its legs, sure sign where the decorator found it, in the dump. Also a table for important items: a glass stem, hollow like a straw, or maybe a metal one--these are your "pipes"--and a full Bic lighter, some empty Bics, a box of Chore Boy steel wool (for filters).
A candle for when the sun's gone and the Bics are empty. Matches for the candle so the Bics aren't wasted. Broken hangers or car antenna for cleaning out the pipes. No clocks, don't need them. Crack time is when's my next hit.
Come on in a little further. There's probably a hall, empty condom package on the floor, and here's a kitchen. The table is bare except for razor crumbs from cutting or shaving the rock, too small to see though though sure enough they'll be somebody down under that table on all fours looking. Maybe two or three of them.
An empty plate, an empty baggy box. An empty refrigerator if there is one. Empty cupboards, empty shelves, it's an empty place. On those occasions where it is somebody's home, it's almost empty and on its way to being trashed, gutted, shot up, busted out, and the occupant maybe beaten, maybe prostituted, maybe evicted--at least one of those, only a matter of time. That's because a crack house is nothing more'n a temporary site with one sole purpose: money.
Money for the dealer, from $100/hour for a little guy, to maybe $400 to $500 when everything is set up just right and all players are behaving. Maybe $1,000 on a good day, maybe $2,500 if you know how to satisfy the choicest clientele. I'm talking hourly now, and conservative. And money for the occupant, too. Don't forget him. Money or something much much better than money. Which is crack, poor fool.
The more crack sales, the hotter the spot and the hotter the spot, the more faces you see, 10 or 15 people milling around at any one time. The hotter the spot, the more risk; the more risk, the more precautions necessary, which leads to the first player:
The Doorman--the one responsible for the door. Who is it? Say it's you. You don't leave your post without consent. After a couple of days you get pretty funky. You're a geeker (hooked smoker) and your wage is crack. And you get plenty extra on the sly, too, as middle man, breaking crumbs off other people's dope. Till you get caught.
So comes a knock and you open your door and your customer comes in. You ask them what they want. They tell you 20. Or 25 or 30 or 40...dollar amounts, a quarter rock ($25) being about this [ ] size and a little thicker, though not always. You take this money and count it and turn around and walk off in back to:
The Dopeboy--the main man, dopeman, the dealer, who does not want to be seen (hence the Doorman). Dopeboys travel in packs, three, four, five or six of them, for fear of being robbed. Each has his own stock--they're just together for security--and they take turns at the crack house, the balance hanging out in a "Safehouse" somewhere, a temporary and quiet abode, in this town usually on the north side in the university area or northwest along the park.
Called dopeboys because that's what they are, on average from 16 to 22 years old. I've seen them as young as 14, and rushers can be in grade school, 11 and 12 year olds. I know this 8 year old running for his folks, which is smart. You think they send an 8 year old to jail?
Back to the man. You, Doorman, hand him, the Dopeboy, the customer's money, and he hands you the dope and back you go to the customer at the door. He examines the product and nine times out of ten he ain't satisfied.
You repeat the routine, and more often than not the Dopeboy will give back the same piece of dope or one smaller, which you return to the customer and he complains. But as negotiations do not appear to be going his way, he takes it.
A frequent variation: Doorman breaks off a little bit on his way back to the customer, like maybe a $5 hit. Customer may or may not notice this little premium. Now if that customer is me--I know what's happening--Doorman hands me that tampered rock I say, No, man, give me back my money if he can't do better than that.
So he steps out of sight, puts back the piece he took off, and brings it back to me. I usually laugh and take it, but there have been times I said no again. Then he has to take it back to the Dopeman broken up. That's where some serious ass-kicking comes in. Hey, I'm smoking, you really think I give a shit after the sonofabitch tries to rip me off?
The Hit Man--a necessary feature. He guards the Dopeboy's back, his 44 magnum never far from reach. You meet that muzzle at the door, you've got no illusions the dopeboys are playing around. Believe me, they're not playing. Shoot first, ask questions later, after they pack up and find another spot. Where it starts up again, and goes on all night, all next day, twenty-four/seven.
The Rushers--the ones who run up to any and every car or even to ordinary people passing by: Hey, you looking? Come on, I'll get you hooked. Usually there's four or five of them, yelling and haggling and just rushing the shit out of the poor customer--he gives his money away just to get them out of his face! They'll rush anyone. I've seen these assholes run up to the wrong car and get cuffs slapped on them--comical as hell. These suckers get a $20 piece for every $100 they take to the Dopeman.
Then we have our Fake Rushers--these MF's are nuts. Somebody cruising, Fake Rusher stops him: Uh, man, I'm rushing for this old dude but he won't serve you but I can get you hooked.
So the Dumb-ass gives the Fake Rusher his money, so he goes in and buys a piece and goes out a different door while Dumb-ass just sits, and then you see him circle the block about a hundred times and all you can do is shake your head and laugh. Funny part is, the s.o.b. fakers never get caught. I call them Free Smokers.
Fleecers--"fleece" is fake crack, wax or soap or anything that can be made to look like crack and also burn like crack--which sizzles and crackles. You get the name there, but you sure don't get high off of fleece.
Fleecers are usually rushers who have built up some trust with their Dopeman, who then will give them say $100 worth of crack and tell him to get back to him, say $70. This is smart because it cuts down on the traffic at the door. It also causes debts, whippings, and sometimes loss of life. Simple fact is, the rusher smokes, so he messes up the dopemen's money by smoking up their dope, the whole $100 dollars worth, so he winds up selling wax or some other counterfeit that looks real but isn't.
It's not too hard to tell--wax tastes like wax and crack like crack. But there are a lot of dummies out there, giving real money for fake crack. A good disguise is novocaine in the fleece; that numbs your lips like the real thing, so you don't know sometimes till you light up and suck good, and wait, and wait some more, and guess what?--you been ganked.
The PFs and PF Whores--PFs stands for personal favors. These crack ladies, forgive me saying so, will do anything they're told for a hit, and what limit is there to a 19 year old dopeboy showing off how sick he can think? If you got a dirty mind, then stretch it as far as you can. They say women are more susceptible in this regard, will let themselves sink lower, but don't fool yourself: a man want crack bad enough, he'll be giving PFs in a wink. Self-respect is one of the first things traded for crack, somewhere in there just before your mother.
When I got out of the joint in '87, my mother put me on her bank account to help me get it together. I got it together alright, I smoked through her whole life savings in about three months. Man in this jail here sold his 11 year old daughter for a hit. You understand now? You get into this thing, nothing else matters eccept the next hit. And you could have a bathtub full of cocaine, too, and you'd be thinking, damn, what if I run out?
Tell you what else, if you're going to try the stuff, the fun is up front. There comes your rush, and that's a little like making love to God with every cell in your body, but then you spend the rest of your life on drugs chasing down that first high. It never gets that good again. Three months in jail gets you back a little bit closer God with Thee, because there ain't much yank in this jail--lucky to get chewing gum--so your tolerance drops back toward normal. But there's always that first time memory taunt-ing you.
We're in some disagreement here on how they get cocaine from the cocoa leaf, but at some point the really big guys--your millionaire French connection types--they start cutting their pure white powder with additives like baby laxative or lidocaine (numbs the lips); baking soda's a common ingredient. This is called "stepping on it." Everybody below this international set, they're also stepping on it so pretty soon it's about quarter strength. They call the pure stuff "400% pure"--you toke in some of that by mistake, you dead. Len Bias dead.
Meanwhile every middleman has doubled his original amount and trebled his money. Tell me another commodity that can do that. It's magical. And then we got our chief executives and CIA's thinking they can manipulate this scene. They're in over their heads up against that crowd, just rich tourists fat for the trussin', while we get slammed and rot in jail. Ain't it the way
So your punk rusher out there gets lucky and lands a quantity of this powder, about 200% pure, and he steps on it. He might freebase with it but that's less popular now because it costs more and it's so strong it's kind of a luxury. It's a whole different market compared with the $5 and $10 sells of crack--we're talking Woolworths now, not Tiffanys. We're talking playground lunch money.
So nouveau dopeboy dissolves his precious snow in ether (because coke does not dissolve in water though most your additives do), and he adds his baking soda (make it set up, solid) and mixes up his little paste in his mayonnaise jar or whatever's handy and then cooks it in a double boiler or right over the flame except that's not always cool because of the ether (ask Richard Pryor), so the method of choice is to nuke it in your microwave for x many minutes until it starts "rocking up."
Bing, you got crack now. You scrape out your little quarter moon shape (the tipped mayo jar), cut it up into chunks, maybe a couple of $50s on down to little dime sizes (not too many: the more $50s you move, the less traffic), and if you're a dopeboy you don't even think to smoke it. They may be young but they're not stupid.
But the ones that are, they set the little rock on top of their little glass dick--another name for pipe or stem, because it gives so much pleasure, and runs the show too--and scorch it with their Bics, it being the fumes from the sizzling crack set on the tip of your upright stem that you inhale. Good idea to put some Brillo or Chore Boy at the bottom of your stemto keep you from sucking a hot piece of dope into your lung.
I tell you something about how you acquire a crack house because that's one of the saddest things, seeing someone take over and just ruinate your house, often as not children involved. So these boys from Detroit or Dayton or New York or where have you, they come into town in their jalopy (inconspicuous) and find a good rusher (with only high paying customers, $50 and up), and it doesn't take him long to find somebody where lots of people are ready to spend their whole welfare and paychecks to statisfy their needs; and they tell him, Hey, you find us a spot and we'll throw you out something. So he's feeling out the real estate before they can even drive off.
So how much can you pay, someone wants to know. "Oh," says the geeker, "tell you what. Let us stay here and see how the flow is. If the spot's hot, we'll negotiate."
And guess whose terms it's on. (The homeowner smokes.) Not long, not long, the Dopeman takes over that house. Starts slow, pay $50/day rent or sometimes $25 cash and a quarter rock. Then they find someone in the group to mess around with the woman whose house it is, and sooner or later her credit runs out and they stop paying and start misusing the place.
They bring in other guys, call you names slap you around, beat you up, have parties, break out the windows, shoot bullets through the walls, no notion of picking up all their garbage, no concern that your kids are now stepping around girls turning tricks for $5 hits--sometimes they make them have sex with every guy in the house for nothing. I saw one dopeboy so lowdown he made a crack whore satisfy his German shepherd. You're on the bottom floor of hell here. Most of these women have babies. Crack is stronger. Lots of times I brought food and gave it to a woman's kids because I felt so bad at seeing their neglect.
I had a home, a fiancee, and kids, one of them mine, but because of one prior way back when I was 19, I'm being put away. I see my mistake and wish not to make it again, but I am away, 9 to 15, which means 4 or 5 at best and no fiancee waiting for me, not likely--would you wait 5 years, for a crackhead?--just me by myself starting over. It's my fault, but that doesn't make the comeback any easier.
Worse thing is, after all these programs and all my regret, you put that shit in front of me...Crack is hell. Once you've been there and been slammed, and maybe finally get clear, you ain't really clear because there's this other second hell of staying off the shit. Your every thought: How'm I going to stay off, or failing that, how'm I going to get more.
Talking about this has got me down, so I want to tell you a little truth, bring you down a little. You know how they say the ozone holes can't repair--or is it the greenhouse effect, I mix the two up--but I understand it's already a disaster, they just can't tell if the icebergs are going to melt in 50 years or 500, but the tragedy has struck, just a matter of time till we're all eight feet under water.
That's your greenhouse effect. Your crack house effect is the same thing. You see what I'm saying: the war on drugs is over. We lost. You see if I'm not right, 'cept it won't take 500 years to tell about the crack war. It's close to home, right there in your schools. All those new prisons, they're for your kids.
So you're in here with me, you understand? We're both victims. And that's our real story, of you and me and the crackhouse. What's mine is yours, brother. And you can have it.
The inmates' share of the proceeds from publication of this story will be used to fund a documentary video intended to draw community funds for a federal matching grant to build a halfway house in Springfield. The inmates call it the "House that Crack Built."
"The House that Crack Built" began with a grant from the Lilly Foundation. I was given one course release from my normal teaching load to do some kind of community service, that I, and subsequently my students, could perform. I'd always admired writers who had taught in prisons, and I was told our local jail was safer than prison (it is), so I worked up a creative writing course in the county jail. The course is now run entirely by Wittenberg University students, in partial fulfillment of their community service requirement.
My particular writers were in the jail's "Freedom: Drug and Alcohol Abuse Program." Weekly with each group (men and women separate), I spent a couple hours in the jail's multi-purpose chapel, coaxing them to write in every strategy and genre I could think of--fiction, poetry, drama, family histories, personal narratives, letters of release to Mr. Crack or King Heron.
We talked a lot, the sessions usually resembling a kind of group therapy. But I couldn't keep it all straight--Chore Boys and Dope Boys, geekers and fleecers, gank and yank--so one day I asked them to take me on a tour, on paper, of a crack house, and gradually the material for the article accumulated--written testimony, personal anecdote, question and answer, some of it taped, some even videotaped.
I patched and weaved the whole thing together, drawing from memory and tapes as well as the stack of blue books, unified it in one voice, theirs, and gave that voice a bit more of a singular personality than was possible from the polyphony of different informants and writing styles. When I read it now, I mostly hear one particular inmate, call him Jimmie. He's speaking for, or over, or alongside the maybe 30 other inmates who contributed to the article over the better part of a year.
These days, this approach is no longer acceptable journalism and a bit experimental yet for ethnography. My drug felon with a heart is not only a composite, but a composite in a first-person point of view; so where I made transitions between the inmates' testimonies, or bent a phrase toward a witticism I remembered from group, or just generally burned and dodged and grabbed to constitute my "voice" and its narrative, I'm engaged in a double fudge, two fictions making, I maintain, one general truth.
The new journalism criticism doesn't concern me--every portrait's a composite, of the writer and his subject just for starters. To the anthropologists, I would like to suggest, with Marjory Wolf (A Thrice Told Tale), that compressing "poly-vocality" into one voice is no more or less true than some other mode; it's just another perspective, like field notes on the one hand or fiction on another, sociology on a third--a Vishnu-like truth with eight or ten hands. The inmates were true, collectively, to what they know, but were they always accurate? I'm still skeptical about $2,000 per hour being a "conservative" estimate, and I've never interviewed a dopeboy (that I knew of); but people on the law enforcement side are inclined to believe those figures.
But even if this information isn't accurate, it's at least what those who live this life believe, and that's not just a handful of believers. This document as it now stands was edited, amended, and modified perhaps a dozen times over more than a year, by different generations of "natives" (an inmate's average incarceration is 90 days) who didn't even know the primary authors. It's a generalized portrait that more than a hundred crack addicts, independently, finally felt was accurate".
Read commentary:*Cracking Down by John J. Dilulio, Jr.*Ethnodrama and Reality by Mercer L. Sullivan
Kent Dixon Copyright © 1993 by The American Prospect, Inc. Preferred Citation: Kent Dixon, "The House That Crack Built," The American Prospect vol. 4 no. 14, June 23, 1993

Friday, January 14, 2005

Crack-Head 101

I need money for….

Request: Lunch
Answer: No you don’t here is your sack lunch

Request: Gas
Answer: No you don’t I filled your tank

Request: Cigarettes
Answer: No you don’t here is a pack

Request: I got to pay the dealer back or he’ll kill me
Answer: not if you don’t go back there


Is it the devils candy?
We believe it is.

Here are:
13 Beliefs For Living Life CrackCocaine Free

1. We believe in each success, not every failure.
2. We believe we have made mistakes, collectively and individually.
3. We believe we all experience the “crack-trap” both mentally and emotionally.
4. We believe that when we stumble and falter, we get back up again and again.
5. We believe we do not know everything about crack-cocaine, but we know enough.
6. We believe we do not have the answer or answers, but will constantly seek for them.
7. We believe this is not just your problem because it becomes everyone’s problem.
8. We believe true support will come from faith in a power greater than the evil from crack-cocaine: we shall call this power GOD.
9. We believe a safe residence, having proper clothes to wear and eating decent food does matter.
10. We believe it is ‘my program’ and however ‘my program’ gets me to a crack-cocaine free life, is all ‘my program’ needs to accomplish.
11. We believe once ‘my program’ gets me to a crack-cocaine free life again, we must continue to update ‘my program’ and never believe it is completely over because the devil’s candy bit us once, and now we do know the truth.
12. We believe this journey to living our without crack-cocaine could be the most difficult life long journey we will ever have to travel.
13. We believe divine intervention is there for all of us who were possessed or still are possessed by the devil’s candy and believe faith in GOD triggers the power over crack-cocaine possession.

Nothing gets in the way of crackcocaine once it has possession. Standard treatment does not address the extreme possession that does occur during crackcocaine use. From experiences and truths, we need to be careful if we treat crackcocaine just like any other drug. Crackcocaine does take you over and possess your body, soul and spirit. Crackcocaine goes as far as completely possessing and then destroying your body, mind and spirit.
Giving in to the urges to smoke crackcocaine is such a vicious cycle controlled by powers that want nothing more than to possess and destroy all life, even by flying planes filled with people into buildings filled with more people.
The following example (Day 1) is set up to be a daily guide. To use a familiar phrase…we are going to look at this one day at a time. Each day will have one spiritual issue with a scripture to re-enforce along with a quip of the day. There will be more than one spiritual issue per day coming at you, but our focus is on how to accomplish one issue at a time. Each day away from crackcocaine brings us closer to being completely free from crack. With a true desire and the understanding of where this stuff is really coming from and its only mission to destroy; this understanding and desire will bring you the strength necessary for success. Our measure of success is in our 1st belief and to quote: We believe in each success, not every failure. Success is what you make of it. When contaminated, an hour can be great success.
I do suggest that when a fall, slip, relapse, or picking up again, or whatever term works for you…IMMEDIATELY get back up and go to where you LEFT off…and do it again and again and again until you get it right. Ultimately it always goes full circle…and remember…it took me 3 years AFTER I knew what I know now as my truth revealed to my soul as to what this stuff really is…it worked for me and will never penetrate me again…this is ONE thing I do know for sure about crack-cocaine… BUT do not worry…I am not ‘too’ confident…it is just when you do finally get how to do this…it is simple.


This day is the beginning of changing your current life. This is just the beginning.
Close your eyes and gently visualize the opposite of the madness that got you to try this method. Find the relax mode inside yourself. Breathe deep and slow and on one time of doing this hold it in for10 long seconds and force yourself to let it out VERY slow. Repeat this as often as necessary to keep as relaxed as possible under the circumstances.

~1 Corinthians 3:1,2~
And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ. 2 I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able.

Quip of the day: Dear GOD, please help me become the person my dog thinks I am.
..there was a crack in my life, crackcocaine that is.
Crack: Treating Cocaine George Medzerian PH.D. Treatment programs have attempted to deal with this, not expanding the cookie cutter to include users and abusers, but by trying to classify all clients as if they are latter-stage alcohol addicts, using standard treatment methods developed for this group. This has not worked well. Now the field faces a need to develop alternative strategies to work with diverse types of addicts and to go beyond the generic treatment methods used with classic gamma alcoholics. It is time to face the challenge of treating the crack addict...the person, not the addiction. A clients total abstinence from drugs does not necessarily mean that the chemical dependency treatment has been successful. Successful recovery involves adequate functioning in daily life. Abstinence is a precursor to functionality, not a substitute for it. Don't impose a treatment on the client. Offer a choice of options. This gives the client a sense of control, even while under direction. Practice and believe in empathy. It is still the leading factor in productive therapeutic relationships. Not long ago, a film entitled "Disease Concept of Alcoholism" was routinely shown in treatment programs in the United States. In this film, a strong argument for the disease concept was presented by a physician who alluded to biochemical research on alcoholism. It was claimed that the brain of an alcoholic is different from that of a nonalcoholic. The alcoholic brain allegedly generates THIQs, which increase a person's compulsion to drink beverage alcohol. Even rats who hate to have a drink will crave booze when injected with these THIQs and THQs, by-products of alcohol metabolism. A frequent interpretation of this film by counselors is that it proves that the etiology of alcoholism is strictly biochemical, hence, is an uncontrollable disease in which the victim or society plays no role in development. This can be a counterproductive assumption because it minimizes the interactive social, cultural, psychological and developmental factors that contribute to the prevalence of a disease. My optimism for controlling this addiction may seem to contradict the Twelve-Step program belief that crack addicts are powerless over crack and alcoholics are powerless over alcohol. It does not conflict. Crack addicts are powerful over crack, but not their addiction to crack. By controlling their drugging, by learned abstinence, the addicts do have power over the addiction. This is the Twelve-Step approach, a Zen paradox: The best way to become strong over crack addiction is to allow yourself to be weak. The best way to become addiction free is to allow yourself to be an addict.
..there was a crack in my life, crackcocaine that is.
Agape Love by Marilyn R. Lyon I baked cakes, cookies and fudge and left them on the dinning room table as if Better Homes and Garden were coming over for dinner. I actually thought that maybe from the sight of them might trigger some inner desire for the good life and this crack-crap would disappear. Like a testimony to us. Or a reminder we are just normal people here. We are OK people. I moved through my day job behind a wall. I no longer felt connected to the world. Or at the very least, felt that if I were to get connected I would first need to confess. And I began to. From day one I felt it was my failure not his. So I tried not to say it out loud for a long time. By then it became a way of life. How could I not say it? I have a crack-head son and I have become addicted too! I struck out angrily against the smallest injustice on my part time job. I had endless heated emotional discussions on the most controversial subjects on every break. I joined two writer's groups and forced myself out the door three times a month. I was vehemently critical of those who wrote stuff about isn't life just too wonderfully simple for everyone. At Christmas that year I ate peanut-butter sandwiches and soup for a month so I could over-buy for Todd. I cooked three ducks for Christmas dinner which required days of hanging and basting with two different sauces while doing separate rubs and basting while cooking. My other son Scott took us out as a surprise one evening and bought the largest and most expensive tree in the store. I put up lights everywhere in the house. I made satin ribbons for the tree and bought color-coordinated decorations. See, we are just like Family Circle. I got his two guitars out of the pawnshop, with his money I was keeping. Some other guitars too much was owed on to get out of hock. The one I prized was an electric Gibson that I had purchased when he was only eight years old and already showing a lot of ability as a musician. It was now a collector's item. Todd emerged from his room Christmas morning scrubbed, perfumed, best dressed and full of loud happy spirits as everyone was arriving. I invited a female friend of many years to the family and her children over for Christmas weekend. He sat pale and quiet in a rocking chair all day, responding with restrained sadness, but a tinge of warmth when spoken to. Everyone was having a great time around him. We were all having a great time for Todd. I could have cast him in bronze sitting there, and it would not have changed anything. It did not change anything this Christmas day. I do not think I was angry or bitter that such surface things did not make everything better. In my heart I knew it was for me that I did it for. Busy work for me, grounding for me. There was so little I could do that I was not already doing. None of which was producing magic. I was looking for that old Todd. But he did not appear that long fall and winter. We were on a mad schedule of meetings and the brief trip into the land of experts on crack-heads and still no Todd. The family floated in and out looking somewhat stunned and inept. I often called on them. Do something. Talk to him! But I could see they were floundering in ignorance as much as I. My oldest son Scott felt he should be Todd's friend during this period of my hard tough love. I wanted him to be angrier, more insistent, more threatening, more everything.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

E-Mails, letters and real dialog about the DevilsCandy

...When you read these remember that when you follow the program it works. When you think you can do whatever you want, the program will not work. Ultimately it is YOUR program, and YOUR program needs to work for YOU and ONLY YOU. When it does work for YOU, then it works for ALL those around YOU trying and wanting crackcocaine to disappear. We continue to suggest that no "other" substances be used while breaking free from the strangle-hold crack has you. This does not mean these current life patterns will be forever....they might be...but it does become YOUR decision as to how YOU will live YOUR life crackfree. For some, once the crack is gone from their soul and spirit, they live a fulfilling life with a social element that may include dinning with wine, or celebrating with spouses, or just plain having a beer with the boys during the SuperBowl or after the company softball game. This is in no way an endorsement for any drinking or drugging, it is just a way of saying YOU can have YOUR life back and have it to a point that YOU can make decisions that will be in-line with YOUR program for living YOUR life free from crackcocaine and make RATIONAL decisions based on YOUR crackfree life not based on the fear of either "relapsing" or never being free from the grip that crackcocaine gets on YOU.

#1...Hi Camille and Todd! First and foremost, I want to say thank you for all your help. Barry and I went through the 75 days successfully. Things were great! Barry and I started new hobbies. 1 in particular was going to the gym. It helped get through staying clean. He committed himself and stuck to all the rules.

After it was over, he decided he was going to celebrate his birthday. Sadly with booze and weed. Sigh.... I couldn't do much about that. So, now I'm scared it's going to start all over again. A week went by and after searching for jobs, he found one. Yeah, good right? Well, the environment there was, well, not favorable for him to stay clean and sober. They treated him to lunch and gave him money. So off he went to buy booze and weed again. We discussed that he was going to have to quit. Today he was to go there and resign, which he did (I scouted his E-Mail). Unfortunately they have probably paid him out and my guess is he won't be coming home tonight. I ordered the Devils candy Book and it will be here soon.
This is tough because after he few slips, he is seriously contemplating moving away. If he does, it's probably for the best because it will be because he still wants to party. There is no other reason for me to fathom. He also does not want to put us through any more headaches. My friend has denied me her place to escape to when he's wasted and that's probably for the best too. I don't know what when or how, but that's what's happening now. I can't help but think this will happen again. It's hard for me to keep tabs on his comings and goings because of my responsibilities with work and my daughter. I'm not going to always be able to prevent him from slipping and I know it. I'm really just fed up with it all and don't want to deal with it anymore. He doesn't want me to be his "mother" nor do I want to be. I just can't believe after things went so well that he would go back to his addictions so easily. I'm sad for him. I love him and want him to be well. Not much else to say. This might be the end of the line. But, most of us say that and keep going through it. I'm trying to be strong, but my daughter is tired of seeing him drunk and messed up too. Today she asked if we have to go home after I picked her up. She was worried and it made me really really upset to hear how it's affected her. I have to seriously look into counseling for us and will do so weather he stays and continues to clean up again or leaves. It's so much to bear. I don't know how you held it all together Camille. You have so much more responsibility with 3 kids and a home. I admire your strength. Anyways, I'll go now. I just wanted to update you guys. Take care. Hope all is well and will talk to you soon.
Love, Savoia (, that's for you Todd)

In the quest to conquer cocaine addiction, is it ok for a crack addict to
drink? My boyfriend who is trying to conquer crack addiction seems to think
anytime he chooses since he is 45 years old is ok, he didn't hurt anyone or
anything. He just gave me a check the other day he cashed last week of $750
because he had cashed it and had temptations. He still holds the atm card
and has access to his money, because he doesn't want to be controlled. I so
much long to help, but am very hurt tonight because he gets upset everytime
I question him when he decides to drink. I am seriously considering giving
up on this relationship of three years. I have waited two years for him to
stop and even tells me how he can't drink when I'm not here and how he
messed up over the last month almost every weekend for a month. I was gone
to Florida with a job, and he used every Saturday night or Sunday evening.
Made it to work everytime he did it on a Sunday evening, but does that make
it ok, does that mean he is getting better?
Any advice would help!
Thank you,

#3...Hi Camille, I have a question Hope u or Todd can answer for me, can someone on crack change drug- like go to snorting crank or cocaine and get the same effect, or will they still have to seak out crack because of the buzz? Please Reply, Just Curious, Karen Zepeda

#4... Just a note to let you know that your Web Site is very much appreciated.
My financee is determined to get away from his demons. I have been researching and came across your site. While I already knew a lot of the information you had, your site has reinforced what I am going to have to do.
Thank you so much!

Betty Ensor Thomas

Tell Todd I said, he's awesome.
I really appreciated his program last night.
He said some things last night that I needed to hear.
I guess my love for Ben has sometimes clouded over in my mind his addiction to crack.
I have an email out to his lawyer, and I'm trying to get the facts of his case and the charges up against him.
I suppose Hope told you about Stone Hawk.
Unless the State of Tennesee decides to pay for it, I won't be sending him there.
If you or Todd know of any program that can be suggested, let me know.
I'm not gonna do anything but point the DA or Judge to the fact my son has a problem and needs help.
I'm not gonna hand carry Ben, he needs to step out on his own where this is concerned.
Love you guys and thanks for everything.
As soon as I can get some things settled financially, I want that CD Todd played last night. It was great. Maybe someday he and I can jam together. I'm a drummer. I love jazz.



#6...From: steven cherry Sent: Tuesday, October 19, 2004 11:14 AMTo: todd@devilscandy.comSubject: I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

my name is steve.i am addicted to crack real bad.i don't need to go into all the things i've done to get high.but lately i just get high when i get paid. yes i still have a job.when i don't have any money i won't get high probally because i dont want to go back to jail.this is why this thing is driving me so crazy.if there is anything you can tell me to help please help me! please!

RESPONSE: Todd Gibson wrote:
Hello this is todd,
Sorry I took so long to replya little more info will help us formulate a plan 4 u 2 start your journey
How long
What HAS worked
Any jail or treatment
Do u no safe people
Where are u located
What I CAN tell you is crack can be conquered and u can be free forever from the possession of crackis it easy NOis it possible YES
Have u looked thru our web sites and u need to go ALL the way thru them...then we have common ground to start at...hope is here now BUT I do need more info to help u...ALSO we do a live radio show on Thursday night 930pm eastern time zone...come listen and start the journey...PEACE...Todd

AND THEN HIS RESPONSE: From: steven cherry Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:15 AMTo: todd@devilscandy.comSubject: RE: I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

No longer need your help. Please don't write me again my life depends on it. I swear-DON'T EVER WRITE OR CONTACT ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!


#7...From: Duke Swan
Sent: Wednesday, October 27, 2004 3:02 AM
Subject: but im an atheist todd
wtf i dont believe in god i dont accept god but i want to quit using


#8...Hey Todd, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you and your willingness to share your experiences. I received the CDs and am truly grateful. My mother brought your books down to me this weekend and with them reality is starting to set in. Last night 10/23 I had several dreams about crack with one so realistic I awoke only to find myself plotting a way to leave the house and get fired up. I used your 3 minute rule and talked myself into going back to sleep, it really felt good waking up this morning in my bed and not stumbling in as I know that would have happened. I relate to your book and have a new outlook on life although I know times will be tougher. It's an ongoing battle that is happening even as I sleep. Anyway, thanks a lot. I'll talk to you again soon.
William Morgan

#9...I am not absolutely sure. What can I do to be sure? All the signs and symptons are there. But no concrete evidence.

My son was mentally abused by his father, he went through a divorce a father who committed suicide all in one year. He has no life now. He lives with me, he cannot keep a job, I cannot keep a dollar, he steals my checks, money, anything he can get his hands on. His room looks like a pig sty. It reaps of marijuana. He smokes weed with cigars, every trash can in the house is full of it every day.

He is 28. Where do I go for help. Where do I start. How do I begin.

Last week was awesome. The 75 day program is sooo spot on. On Friday, I had a big blow. I thought I had made my sales quota and over for the week. At 5:00pm I found out they were not all new sales. Half were renewals. Which meant after all my efforts, I would still get minimum wage vs 3.00 an hour increase for the week!
Then Saturday Lynn took me into work. The traffic tried to keep us from getting there. So we took another route. Oh Boy! There was a RR crossing stopping us. There was NO TRAIN! We looked at each other, identified the problem, & started laughing. Right then, I mean Right then,.... the crossing guard arms of the RR track raised. AMAZING ! ! Also, Saturday I made my quota for the week in sales to raise my hourly & receive great commission.
There was more to last week. This was the most amazing.
I apologize for the delay in getting back to yall. Today is 21 days!! Yahoo!!
I need to get to work now. Talk to yall soon. Thanks again. Have a wonderful & prosperous day. CLEAN ! ! Our number is 281-xxx-xxxx, for future reference.

This email came from someone who just cut into our site...started blabbing really bad remarks about our site and how we go about this ministry...even though everything is right there for all to see...this person felt compelled to cut us down while stating words right from our DUH lady if you do not like us then go somewhere else...her first letter is not is not worthy of printing in this blog...the response and the "other" letters I will post here.

#11...From: lesley cohen
Sent: Tuesday, October 12, 2004 9:29 AM
Subject: RE: group post

Just because I have an opinion,does not mean that I am a fool. You have no
love to give. I feel so sorry for you. You have nazi like tendencies. You
BAN people from expressing themselves? How dare you. Good luck to YOU.

From: "Camille Gibson"
To: "'lesley cohen'"
Subject: RE: group post
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 2004 23:07:18 -0400 are an opiniated fool...take your "opinions" elsewhere...your
banned good-bye...good-luck

From: lesley cohen
Sent: Monday, October 11, 2004 10:37 PM
Subject: RE: group post

Oh my goodness...someone has anger issues! I will pray for you...a
release from your anger. How dare you say that 12 step programs are a
"cult" . I was not "putting you down" I was expressing an opinion. The fact that you
"block" people from free expression, makes me wonder who is in the
"cult"...get a hold of your ego! I wish you another 24 hrs...if you
cannot achieve serenity at least you can be sober. Please do not send
me any more information...I am no longer interested in a group that has
people governing over what can and cannot be read. It frightens me that this is
happening. Your anger is alarming. Why don't you try allowing people to
form their own opinions....your "rejection"of my ideas makes me feel
sad. I will talk about this in my group. I hope that you can get over your anger.

***Hello this is todd,
While I do respect ALL forms of "recovery" and "treatment" I do not
and will not allow a direct "put-down" of our web-site. If you would
like to post your opinion of how a person should "recover" fine and
dandy, but leave your "personal" jabs out, if you do not like our approach then do not come
to this group if all you can do is jab. Meetings help a lot of people
BUT not everyone, even if they "do not work it" as it should be. Not
that it is any of your business or obvious concern we are currently helping and have
hundreds of people COMPLETELY free from crackcocaine, and that is
what we do, that is all. If you have noticed when you are not jabbing
at our "completely damaging" web site we direct those who suffer from
alcohol or "other" drug abuse to other people and places to deal with
those substances first. We deal with crackcocaine and that is all and if it offends
you that we do separate crack as being "more" evil than other drugs, then there
is nothing more that I can say to you. All of who and what we
are, is in our web-sites. And from the sound of it, it does not go along with
how YOU are staying clean. Not everyone needs the same way..oh yeah if you
are into the 12 step cult as that being THE ONLY WAY, then I feel sorry for you
on that far as you being clean, that is great. That is the
mission, it is just that God has put my path to connect with those who do not,
will not or cannot respond in the traditional ways. Of course all of that is in
our "completely damaging" web site that you probably just quickly
SUBJECT. Further disrespect for our site, methods and hundreds of people who HAVE found THEIR freedom from crackcocaine...your posts will not
go through and you will be banned from group. I somehow imagine that
will be OK with you since you have the ONLY WAY to get and stay clean
from crackcocaine, or as we say conquer crackcocaine forever
and be completely free from crackcocaine possession

#12...From: Linda Sent: Tuesday, October 05, 2004 8:07 AMTo: camille@devilscandy.comSubject: Hello again

Todd and Camille,
Just a note to say Good Morning and Marie just called me early, and told me that she sure did enjoy talking to you last night. She appreciated so much you taking the time to call and talk to her. William did not come home last night, but walked in the door about 6:30 am this morning, but was straight. It shocked her to see that he was not all high, she ask him about last night, he said that he went looking for stuff, but could not find it, so he slept in his truck and was going to work this morning, she said he looked able to work today. She also told me that you were praying that he did not find anything, and as we know God is good, and he couldn't find alot last night. He may have got hold of a little, but not much. Anyway we were both pleased to hear that. She will do what you said as far as getting the guns to my house or his dads. I am not married to his dad anymore, but my husband Terry, his step dad, is a very compassionate person and wants to see him clean also. She was feeling much better after talking to you. We both agreed that you and Camille are heaven-sent to our family. She ask me how I found you, and I can't even remember the details, except that I went to the Lord and ask for someone to be put in his path and our path that understood what he is going through, what Marie is going through, and what I am going through. I did not feel comfortable going to my pastor, or even close friends, who has not been through all of this.
So I have kept this to myself, and tried to deal with it, and Marie also. But I know that God put you in our path, and I know that for a fact.
I can now say that as I begin to understand things better, that I can see a ray of hope. I am looking at this addiction differently now, I am not mad at William, but I am getting furious at the monster that is inside of him, at first I didn't see it as a monster, but only as his bad habit, but now I look at it different. And I can say NO to monsters, and not let them control my life. As Camille told me in an e-mail, I will not live the crack-cocaine life, I will not let it control my house. I take control of its contents.
Thanks again for taking the time to call Marie. I love her very much, and my grandbaby. I guess also I am afraid that I won't see my grandson as much, but she is moving here close to me. At first she was talking about staying there in Richmond, 100 miles away, and told me that I would not see my grandbaby as much if her and William split up, I was heart broke, but now she has changed her mind and is coming my way. Please write if you have time.

#13...We live in Toronto Canada Todd
Our phone number is 416 xxx-xxxx and his email is whitegary@.......
I appreciate any information you have as we have been through all the treatments centres and he has been in AA NA off and on for 15yrs.
I have been in Alanon for 5yrs off an on but have been working my program consistantly for the last 6months I also have my 12yr old daughter in Alateen.
I know what you mean about some alanons though about leaving and i dont want to but im near the end of my rope thats why i signed on to your show.
Our address is
Toronto Ontario
M4E 3C6

Thank you so much for responding back so soon
Have a good day

Thanks to you and Todd for taking time to speak with me last night, I am very grateful for your guidance and support. And I'm sure Shannon will be as well in the long run. In your email you had asked for his jail address. I would greatly appreciate it if you would send him an encouraging card or letter, I think he's really like that. His address is:

Knoxville, TN 37918

I'll be in touch again soon, after my next visit with him. Talk to you then.

This is an interesting one...we did a phone intervention with this family, and for the most part they did not feel they should do a whole lot about Roger...they said "well he is not smoking as much"...well now the update on Roger is he is living at Mom's house...has a 4 month "layoff" from a very good job....and apparently the family STILL is not convinced Roger has a crack problem....time will tell!

#15...From: Br51stew@.... Sent: Tuesday, September 21, 2004 1:46 PMTo: camille@crackcocainerecovery.comSubject: (no subject)

Thank you and Todd for your concern about my son, Roger. I have followed the suggestions that Todd gave to me when we last talked in August. We have made excellent progress with Roger and feel that it has not been necessary for professional intervension over the telephone.Again you have my thanks for all your help.Betty Stewart

This is from Chris Farley's brother...Chris died from cocaine and alcohol.

#16...From: [] Sent: Friday, September 17, 2004 12:53 PMTo: camille@devilscandy.comSubject: The Chris Farley Foundation

Certainly, add our website link to your sites. It looks like you and Todd have done some wonderful work.

Our philosophy is to use the power of humor to resist and heal. So I'm sure it can be a value to your work as well. All the best.

Keep it up and we wish you well.

Tom Farley
The Chris Farley Foundation
Think. Laugh. Live.

#17...From: Denise Hutton Sent: Wednesday, September 15, 2004 1:15 PMTo: todd@devilscandy.comSubject: RE: I am at a roadblockImportance: High


Thank you again for all of your help and words of wisdom. I am just so hurt and sad and tired, I have been trying to help him for the past 6 months out of our one year relationship. He is so sweet and charming and kind when he is not high and I truly love him alot, but I just do not want to continue to be abused by his addiction anymore. I do not mean physically...I mean mentally...he has and would never hurt me or my son. He cries and says he wants to quit...he by his own discord went to a rehab recently for 30+ days and was clean for 40 days and whenever he left their facility despite their advice to stay, it only took one week...not even and there he was at it again. I just am so confused I know that alot of the reason he is like that is because he never had anyone to guide him even as a child, I think that he can be better and since we began dating he has become a much nicer and better person,but what if I continue to try and try only to bring myself and my son more and more disappointment. How can you tell if someone really wants to quit or if they are just saying that to keep you around?

Denise L. Hutton

#18...From: Karla Stroman
Sent: Monday, December 20, 2004 4:48 PM
Subject: RE: "Jerry's story"
Hi Camille and Todd!
I needed to drop you a note to say that things were going quite well with Jerry until last night when I asked him who was text messaging him and he blew up at me and said he doesn't feel comfortable in this house. I think that he wants to leave again. I know that this process cannot be easy and I surely am a rookie at dealing with someone stopping using crack just as I was a rookie at ever experiencing crack in my life in any way. What is the best thing for me to do? He's angry at me for making him leave for those five weeks and he only wants to talk to people who have "been there", where he is. What do I do now? Karla

Thank you for the "blog". I listened to it this morning at my office.
I'm going to send it to my home e-mail and ask Jerry to listen to it. I messed up. I thought I was strong enough to not be manipulated by him anymore but I messed up. I don't know what to say about the situation other than I broke down and it was so wonderful the first few days. I would like him to tell you what he has been doing. I hope that he'll call you very soon.
I know it's not a joke. I just didn't do it right.
I'm so sorry that I was weak.


Hello this is todd,
I know that YOU know it is not a joke...I just needed to WAKE u up...and it sounds like it worked...glad u wrote...we love you and care about you and understand how difficult this is...we are here for you in whatever way we can be...our 1st belief...we believe in each success...not every failure! Pick yourself up...dust yourself off...go forward where you left off...AND ATTACK CAN do this without attacking Jerry...PEACE...Todd

PS come to the show tonite 930pm EST...I will be addressing how to follow the program and what to do when we fall....Todd

Karla's Response: Thanks for your love and encouragement. I will listen tonight and I will ask Jerry to listen with me if he is home from his meeting. God Bless! Karla

So there you go. Just a small taste of some of the emails we get and how we respond. Hope you enjoyed the truth....Todd

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

CrackCocaine...Addiction? Disease? Possession?

Agape Love. Unconditional love, a perfect feat of balance. Not just a state of mind, but a state of doing. One we often dream of obtaining. One, we can easily assume we live in naturally. Seems most us do not get the opportunity to practice it.
I stumbled unaware into it. At the time I was so absorbed in the terror and desperation of events, about my crackhead son. Agape Love as a motivation or end result, it was not even on my mind. Long after the experience, one day while deep into a discussion about my hairdresser's relationship with his alcoholic father, and my past six years with my crackhead son, he remarked with a tinge of envy, "You have Agape Love for your son!"
"It doesn't matter what the bond is", I told her, and "He does not have it". None of us were going to pay it, and I started to cry. "He's a crackhead. We are all standing by him but he is a hopeless crackhead. We have tried everything. He has tried and failed so many times. He used to be a completely different person".

Crackcocaine has found its way into the family structure. It is now arrived in kindergarten. The killing of a first grade child in Flint, Michigan on February 29, 2000 from a gun found in a crackhouse by her six year old classmate ought to wake us up. All the news stories and crimes associated with crackcocaine are so dark and at times so unbelievable it makes me cringe to think about the horrible things I've done just to smoke crackcocaine. Unless we confront this hideous substance (we call the DevilsCandy and goes by the name "Rock"), it will devour more souls. Once possessed by this horrible force, it is only by the grace of God that we find complete freedom from the possession and contamination of crackcocaine.

Developing a program to living your life crackfree is a process of finding ways that will help you. We need to not worry about making mistakes. We will have to learn from those mistakes. A strong support team and developing your relationship with God has to be. We have a belief that there is a better life than the pathetic one that crackcocaine brings you to. Crackcocaine can be conquered! You can live your life without it. We are here to bring you our truths about crackcocaine.
Addiction, disease or possession? Or all three?! First we need to understand what crackcocaine is. Addiction is the habitual use and feeling of need of a substance. Disease is a pathological condition of a part, organ, or system of an organism resulting from various causes, such as infection, genetic defect, or environmental stress, and characterized by an identifiable group of signs or symptoms. Possession is to take into control. Crackcocaine takes a person's soul into control, even changing their character (attributes, traits, or abilities) and rapes them of their moral values, and keeps them from having a valuable life. This is true for both the person using and those involved with the user. It is our belief that when a person uses crackcocaine it possesses their body, soul and spirit.

We visualize that the smoke of crackcocaine is the very breath of Lucifer. We believe crackcocaine is an actual evil force out to destroy those that are possessed by the breath of Lucifer and the sweetness of the devil's candy. In a disease, the affects are to the individual; an addiction affects first the individual. Crackcocaine immediately effects everyone involved with the user, including the user. So forever possessed? No, crackcocaine can only possess you as long as you let it.

Expose crackcocaine! Tell everyone you know that your loved one is possessed by crackcocaine. It does not matter who knows. The more you expose crackcocaine the less power it has on you or your loved one. Camille even told the grocery clerks about it and gave the manager a picture and told them Todd is possessed by crackcocaine and may try to cash a bad check here. You know what? They did call when Todd tried to do this. Camille would tell local police, neighbors, all family members, pastor and EVERYONE she came in contact with and it worked! CrackTodd started to lose power and my Todd is the man we knew he is! CrackTodd could not go anywhere in the area we lived in without Camille finding out. So SPEAK! This is your life and your loved ones soul you are fighting for. Embarrassment never gets you to a crackfree life, but taking control does. Tom Petty has a song that has a line in it that goes, “I'm taking control of my life, right now!”. So can you. So can your loved one.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Crack is Still Alive in 2005

We know crackcocaine IS the DevilsCandy, do you? Has this ever occurred to you that the enemy will steal your joy by possessing your body, soul and spirit with crackcocaine? In order to live your life free from crackcocaine, some fundamental daily life living skills need to be implemented immediately. It is such a simple concept, most people and facilities like to keep it complicated and remove all hope of conquering crackcocaine. This is a lie. Crackcocaine can be conquered.
It is not in any religion that an answer can be found. Answers start to formulate when we develop a relationship with printed words of powerful healing truths. Scriptures are just one place where they can be found. Feeling possessed by the crack-bite is the loneliest, darkest, sickest, most ugly gnawing and truly captivating all consuming demonic place to be. Smoking crackcocaine will destroy everything you ever thought, felt, desired, loved or believed in. The insanity of smoking crackcocaine and doing nothing else but that, every awake moment of everyday is maddening. Smoking crackcocaine will devour everything and everybody that is willing to let it. Crackcocaine holds no boundaries. It does not care about your age, or your race, or your status and could care less as to what you do and how you live.
Nothing gets in the way of crackcocaine once it has possession. Standard treatment does not address the extreme possession that does occur during crackcocaine use. From experiences and truths, we need to be careful if we treat crackcocaine just like any other drug. Crackcocaine does take you over and possess your body, soul and spirit. Crackcocaine goes as far as completely possessing and then destroying your body, mind and spirit.
Giving in to the urges to smoke crackcocaine is such a vicious cycle controlled by powers that want nothing more than to possess and destroy all life, even by flying planes filled with people into buildings filled with more people.
There are many ways to stop smoking crackcocaine. As simple as this seems, it really is true. Crackcocaine lies. It convinces you that you can have IT and a life, you just have to work it out…again…and again…and again.
Our 75 Day Program works. When I was ‘jotting’ down all these notes, I had no idea it would come to this. As we know GOD has weird ways to get us where HE wants us to be. HIS way works, we just call it our 75 Day Program. It takes 75 days to completely get the spiritual possession (or addiction – for those who need to hear that word) of crackcocaine out. This is from our experience and truths. Clinically it can take about 75 hours. This is not a clinical battle. The spiritual and mind possession can tempt and prod you for quite awhile longer than this program is set up to do, that is why day 76 becomes day 1 again! When you do get to the end of the 75 days, the plan and goal is to be exposed to the real truths about crackcocaine and to have disarmed it to the point that it has started to leave you alone…so you can work your program and fight the spiritual battle of your life, for your life.
Each day away from crackcocaine brings us closer to being completely free from crack. With a true desire and the understanding of where this stuff is really coming from and its only mission to destroy; this understanding and desire will bring you the strength necessary for success. Our measure of success is in our 1st Belief from our 13 Beliefs to Living Life Crack-Free, and to quote: "We believe in each success, not every failure".
Success is what you make of it. When contaminated, an hour can be great success.
I do suggest that when a fall, slip, relapse, or picking up again, or whatever term works for you…IMMEDIATELY get back up and go to where you LEFT off…and do it again and again and again until you get it right. Ultimately it always goes full circle…and remember…it took me 3 years AFTER I knew what I know now as my truth revealed to my soul as to what this stuff really is…it worked for me and will never penetrate me again…this is ONE thing I do know for sure about crackcocaine… BUT do not worry…I am not ‘too’ confident…it is just when you do finally get how to do this…it is simple.
Todd Wm. Gibson