Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Powerful Words of Healing Truths

Text Body of Healing Truths
This day is the beginning of changing your current life. This is just the beginning. RELAX.
Close your eyes and gently visualize the opposite of the madness that got you to day 1 of this journey. Find the relax mode inside yourself. Breathe deep and slow and on one time of doing this, hold the air in for 10 long seconds and force yourself to let it out VERY slow. Repeat this as often as necessary to keep as relaxed as possible under the circumstances.

Scripture of the Day
~ 1 Corinthians 3:1,2 ~
1 And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual people but as to carnal, as to babes in Christ. 2 I fed you with milk and not with solid food; for until now you were not able to receive it, and even now you are still not able;

Quip of the day:
Dear GOD, please help me become the person my dog thinks I am.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Finally Some Blog-Time

Well blog-ing is a difficult item to find time for. It has been too long since I blogged. Hey I know become a blogger! My goal is to make an effort everyday or 2, and blog about conquering crack or maybe tell a little story for encouragement.
My crack-hell days were so horrible EVERYDAY, I am amazed I am alive to tell you just that. I hate to think of the torture of dying high on crackcoaine! The enemy loves that thought. I truly feel that is the goal. To keep the crack smoking going until people die high on crack. Our souls will be lost forever if we continue to smoke crackcocaine.
I realize in some lives many tragic events have happened. It is incredible to hear of all the sexual abuse suffered at a young age. A lot if not most NEVER get free from that bondage. When I get real nasty towards crack, and those that keep relapsing over and over agian even with apparently some program they seem to be working, it is because I know ONCE you do in fact get free from the stranglehold crack gets on us, then we can begin to conquer the "other" layers that have been squashed from crack-use. When you learn HOW to stop crack dead in its tracks, you can do this with ALL the enemies darts. That is what all this is about. Squashing ALL of the enemies darts. Whether from moloestation, addiction, being beat, never knowing true love and all kinds of other situations, it is up to us to find that faith we talk about so much. This is not easy. The mystery of faith can elude us in an instant. Then when we include crack cocaine, it is magnified a million times over. AND that is just what the enemy tries to accomplish. Breeding NO HOPE! Well I am hear to tell you, when we squash crack, we squash the enemy. AND why would you NOT want to do that! When you do that, it releases crack's grip forever. That is it. Just like that.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Articles, Email and Feedback

Article: A North Carolina couple is wanted for their role in allegedly dealing crack cocaine in Rutland. Eric D. Brooks, 27, and Nicole M. Parker, 19, with listed addresses of West River Road in Franklin, N.C., were expected Monday in Rutland District Court to answer to crack cocaine charges stemming from a drug bust in late June. Neither appeared in court and $5,000 warrants were ordered for each. Rutland City Police said the arrests were part of an investigation involving a confidential informant into crack cocaine dealing in the city. According to the court records, the incident leading to the charges took place around 11:30 p.m. on June 23. Brooks was parked in his 1994 Mazda 626 in Rutland when the informant went up to the vehicle and purchased crack cocaine from him, police said. Police followed Brooks' vehicle and soon pulled Brooks and Parker over on Robbins Street, city Detective David LaChance wrote in an affidavit. Brooks had a suspended driver's license and agreed to let police search the vehicle, the affidavit stated. Police said they later found that Parker had packed 1.8 grams of crack cocaine in her body. Parker added that when police pulled over Brooks' vehicle he gave her the crack cocaine and told her to hide it in her body, the detective wrote. At first she said she refused, but then agreed to do it, the affidavit stated. Parker also told police she and Brooks had traveled about two weeks earlier to Rutland from North Carolina and Brooks had been selling crack cocaine to a "couple of different customers" in the city, the affidavit stated. Brooks denied knowing anything about the crack cocaine and told police he came to Rutland to help a friend drywall a house, LaChance wrote. Both Parker and Brooks face charges of possessing and selling crack cocaine. They were both released on citations after their arrest to appear in court Monday to answer the charge, but did not show up. If convicted of the charges, they each face up to seven years in prison. EMAIL: I don't know what else to say since finding your website this morning. My husband is back to the crack after a couple of years clean and it is worse than ever. I fear he will die this time. we are in our 40's and his health is not that great. Driving to work this morning I felt I was losing my faith. I am a very spiritual person, but lately this drug seems to have beaten me down. Until i saw your website i was ready to give up. I feel desperate, helpless and hopeless. I felt like God really doesn't care and all my prayers were unanswered. I felt like it was time for me to give up on him and us. After reading your articles I have the decided that THE DEVIL WILL HAVE NO POWER OVER ME TODAY! Crack will have no power over me. At least not for today. Hy husband, Ken, does hate the drug and what it is doing to his life. I know he still wants to be free but I can also see he isn't trying as hard as he could be. As of late I have stood back and watched, but now I will take some of your advice and lay down some very important boundaries, the first one being to stop hiding it. I refuse to give crack power over me. Thank you for renewing my faith and strength to go on. Please pray for me! Thanks again and God Bless You! melissa Feedback: So nice to chat with ya, Toddster..:-)) Sorry I took up so much of your time......but I thouroughly enjoyed it.... Have a GREAT weekend......Say hi to Phil Keaggy for me! :-) "The Effexor/Klonipin User" Karen We had the great pleasure to attend an all day music festival Saturday the 13th. We saw, Peder Eide, Goeff More, Petra, Phil Keaggy, Jars of Clay and Steven Curtis Chapman. It was so cool and sounded great! Just what we needed to refresh our brains! Have a great week living crack-free! Todd and Camille Gibson, the girls, the dog and of course the cats and the hamster (rat!).

Stupid Crackheads

This part is for STUPID CRACKHEADS. We want to give equal crack-rights to ALL crackheads. We will post their "stupid" letters, comments and in general their "stupid stuff", sort of a forum for them to release (or relapse) their stupidity so maybe, just maybe they will see it someday. STUPID CRACKHEAD ALERT: WARNING EXTREME DANGER Crack-Terrorist ALERT: This is a very serious situation! BE AWARE! We are sending out WARNINGS even as this is being written. Please take this seriously! These people are so lost; they do not know truth when it slaps them in the face. You never know where they might come from. Could be a letter, or a phone call or maybe even an email! Those who are about to read the following story, I need to tell a story about the person who submitted this one: As you will read, this person said how glad they were to find our site. In fact (he) said it possibly saved his life. Well, another person online in our group happened to be online "friends". with this story writer. This "friend" started to post nasty messages swearing at my wife on her personal e-mail address, cutting and digging at our beliefs (which are posted for all to see), and each person can determine if they agree or disagree with our format and beliefs, to the point where we HAD to do something. We decided to expel (her) from our group and refuse to respond to either one of these people. It is their choice to be at this site and have conversations about our possible differences...but we will not allow personal attacks...I will not allow personal attacks towards my wife from anyone for any reason. We were even threatened. This story writer TOLD us to take his story off our "Psycho Site". I will not do that. It was submitted in good faith and we appreciate it being here on our site. I will though out of respect for a fellow crack-head remove his name. That is all I will do regarding this story.....Todd *** I am xxxxx and I did my first hit in 1984 in Central, Texas. I was gone until 1992. During that period I lost my love, self, home, and everything material. Losing my self-respect was the toughest. I have seen people die and then helped hide what was left. I watched my second wife fish and nearly die many times. I finally decided I didn't like what I saw in the mirror on June 22, 1992. I checked into a rehab center and stayed there 38 days. I managed to stay clean until June 3, 2003. I found myself unable to work do to an injury and I was bored. I had stopped working the program in every aspect. I figured I was healed and smart now. I danced again and I danced hard. Fortunately I found this site and it guided me where I needed to be taken to get back into recovery. As I type this I am on day 10 and I have hope! All I have to do is let go, let god, and do this one day at a time. Them 13 years were the best of my life and I want to feel those happy feelings again. Know what's cool I know I can and I know I don't have to do it alone. From this letter to the next one. Must be the crackcocaine. Is this the same person? Dear Idiots I don't recall giving you permission to use my name or my published thoughts on your ignorant website let alone your satanic radio show. I want you to look up the name Jerry Spence in the attorney's referral service directory. He and my mother were high school class mates and he has been on CNN several times. He has NEVER lost a case in court. I also recall asking you to remove my story from y9our satanic orientated website. You have not complied with my request. Now I see you are slandering me. I have tried to live in accordance with the "live and let live" motto, but you two idiots have pushed me too far this time. You call my friends crack whores etc. That's real Christian of you isn't it Minister Todd almighty? I am for the last time ordering you too remove my name from every stinking part of your satanic ministry, and ordering you to not mention my name or alias on any of your broadcast/ Failure to comply will result in a lawsuit. Mr. Spence has reviewed this crap and yes Todd you have committed internet fraud. This is your last chance. Have a very nice Christian day. "Give more than you expect to get! Expect a miracle!" Yeah, the miracle of redemption. From grateful crackhead on his way to freedom, to a stupid crackhead terrorist lost in his own self-pity. Don't kill yourself over crack, buddy. At least have a much better reason, like oh say "stupidity".

Scriptures and Truths of the Week

We attack crack here. That is what we do. We are the best at it and are qualified to tell ANYONE including you, how to stop the madness of smoking crackcocaine. This is the first scripture that penetrated the crack-stench bubble that surrounded my sorry crack-ass. AND it was SORRY! Whether it is pastorally or theologically correct matters not. God's word is what it is when you read it and how God intended it to speak to you at the moment you read it. These word's given to us by God, is truly my attacking crack scripture and STILL is today. Try it on for size. Crack's size is smaller than God but larger than you the crackhead. Romans 7:14 thru 20 14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. It is not in any religion that an answer can be found. Answers start to formulate when we develop a relationship with printed words of powerful healing truths. Scriptures are where they can be found. Feeling possessed by the crack-bite is the loneliest, darkest, sickest, most ugly gnawing and truly captivating all consuming demonic place to be. Smoking crack-cocaine will destroy everything you ever thought, felt, desired, loved or believed in. The insanity of smoking crack-cocaine and doing nothing else but that, every awake moment of everyday is maddening. Every CRACKHEAD can be free from crackcocaine forever, in spite of what you may be being told either by a crack-counselor who has never smoked crackcocaine or a clinical treatment person who wants you to believe you are doomed for the rest of your life with a disease that tells you that you do not have this disease and will physically MAKE you light a crack-pipe after of course this disease makes you hunt for crack or possibly steal for crack. This disease I hear could make you kill for crack. There is a known cure for this disease. Funny thing is, is that this disease will also MAKE you NOT go to meetings or call you sponsor which BOTH are proven and known cures for this disease. Wow! What a disease! Ya know if I did not know better, it kind of sounds like a possession. Naw, that is too simple. Hmmm?! Romans 7:14 thru 20. Again just words. Words CAN'T stop crack. Right? I wonder what tradition supports God's word. Oh. Traditions say to NOT promote? Not even God. NO! We do not say Jesus, we say you have the right to have a God of YOUR understanding not the truth that Jesus IS the SON of God. Not the AA God. The true God almighty. I wonder if HE is sittin at a table drinking coffee smoking a cigarette? I wonder? Hey, Todd how can you say that! Well if is OK not saying Jesus and relapsing, then this disease is kickin in and making me real confused. I have the crack-disease of denial too?! I'm doomed. I think I will just go read God's word. My comic book in life. God is good, ALL THE TIME! All the time, GOD IS GOOD! Call your sponsor and ask them if it is OK to quote scripture. Of course it is Todd. Quit being an addict in denial. Quit acting like an addict. But duh I am aren't I? Yes you are a diseased addict of addiction. OK. I am. I' m doomed.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Why Should You Listen To Todd and Camille?


TOPIC: Why Should You Listen To Todd and Camille?

I don't know.

DAY 43: Looking for and finding some real support is essential today if we expect the success we are aiming for. We define real support as places, people and ideas or books, programs or anything that is going the same way you are, on a journey to living life crack-cocaine free. Support is what we need to maintain the process of eliminating the possession of crack-cocaine. We do need to prepare for tomorrow. We do not need to worry because if we are doing and getting all that we are supposed to be getting and doing, then tomorrow will only mean we are ready and that day could be the one day when it IS finally getting better and we start to feel that we are going to be alright.

Scripture for Day 43: ~ Proverbs 28:19 ~
19 He who tills his land will have plenty of bread, but he who follows worthless pursuits will have plenty of poverty.

Quip of the day for Day 43: Development of character involves replacing our pride with patience.

Belief #5: We believe we do not know everything about crack-cocaine, but we know enough.

Last week's show exposed some of Todd's crackhell episodes. Todd was willing to let his Aunt and Uncle tell what is what like from their point of view regarding a real crack-episode. Why would Todd do this? To sensationalize crack? Maybe to put himself out there so someone can see the importance of exposing crackcocaine!
Email letters:
#1: I have recently been very active on your site and I would love to say thank you for taking your time to get this message out. I have found the "crack dont's" very helpful (and if you still have the whole list I would love to see it). I really like your idea of offering any side possible, I even enjoy your crack jokes. Again....thanks P.S. This message is meant for both of you. I simply picked the first addy and assumed you didn't want to read the same email twice.

#2: Hey Tod this is bryan i spoke with u a while ago when the time wasn't really good. Now things are really bad i have lost everything i have hit rock bottom lost my truck, friends. and and starting to lose my family i don't know what do do now. I need some help because if i don't my life will be no more i think. so plz if and when u get this plz call me i really need ur support and awareness on this cause i am losing fast. well i better let u go for now i hope 2 hear from u soon OK see TTFN.

#3: Dear Camille and Todd, It is a blessing to know you are there for those of us affected by the madness of crack. I wrote to you once last year and once again am feeling the pain crack cocaine brings so many people. I am 20 months into recovery from crack and alcohol. Life is still tough but not anywhere near as humiliating or degrading as it was when I was using. A man that I met in recovery and have had a 2 year relationship with has relapsed, again. It has been a whole new trip for me to know how to be there for him from a distance. He has lost everything but his life. I don't feel like going into all the horrible details at this time. I just want you all to know how comforting it is to have people out there who have felt the lonliness crack brings. Most people don't realize how really really hard it is to stop using. I pray hard every day for my man to get better. I pray for all addicts and hope maybe I can help someone today. Thanks again. Mary D. in Portland

#4: He's actually went through about $22,000 in the past two months. It simply boggles my mind. The $150.00 a day is what I am actually able to see. Being "only" his girlfriend, I don't have access to accounts or anything. During the entire month of May, he was only home 8 days - - and that was simply to rest up to go back out and use more.

#5: dear todd and camille, my name is crystal. i started smoking crack last year about this time. ALOT, IT SCARES ME to think about, ironicly when i stopped smoking it in january , things fell apart for me. most recently, my power was shut off a few weeks ago. i'm scared for my self and my two small children. we have no lights, heat or water. the power company would not let me make power arrangements where it was not my name on the bill. that person does not exsist. also, the power compant said i had i pay it regardless, because i told them she moved, and where i and my boyfriend both have power bills over due we wer responsible for paying them off as well, along with an 800 deposit upfront before they will hook it back up. we tryed really hard to pay the bill before it was disconnected but could only manage 100 dollars, but that was not enough. we called our mla for this town and he said the high power in the power company would be calling us, and we never got the call. my son starts school next year and my youngest just turned 1. we are trying so hard to mke a better life for our selves and the longer we stay away from crack , the more turmoil we run into. i dont know what to do i dont know where to go for help. i dont want to lose my children because we have no power and i dont know how to pay it off. i'm in trouble here and mazz from the uk told me you may be ablwe to help me, but not finacially. im past day 75 todd, and it seems to get harder and harder especially with these lifes lessons. is this my punishment? i stopped smoking it and i still lost everything.

#6: A'lo there, My name is Mehgan and I'm 16... I just wanted to start off by saying I am not a crackhead, and I have never touched nor personally even seen a pipe so I'm rather uneducated and I'm seeking direct information. You see... My older sister's bestfriend, Beth was just recently proposed to by her fiance, T-Bone ( I have -no idea- what his real name is ) and they have 2 children one girl who is about 2 years old and one newborn baby boy. Beth is a struggling Mother and she just recently found out that her Fiance was doing crack. The money is being used for such - the money she busts her ass for - and the bills are not being paid so it is my guess that T-Bone is addicted. I'm really interested in anything and everything you guys may tell me about crack like, Can it physically harm the children at birth? If T-Bone comes home high one night could he possibly be a threat to the children and his fiance, Beth? And is it best to just take Beth and the children from the home? ( She lives in GA and I in Florida ) I looked around your site but it was just hard to obtain the information so I thought it best to e-mail you both personally. I appreciate your time and anyway you can possibly help. Thank you.

I AM not afraid of crack. I AM not afraid to expose crack. I AM not afraid to hurt YOUR feelings. I AM not afraid to tell YOU the truth. I AM not afraid to shame myself to "attack crack". I AM not afraid of crack.

TOPIC: Why Should You Listen To Todd and Camille?

The whole purpose of tonight's show is to piss off crackheads and those who keep crack-alive by NOT doing what it takes to conquer crack! I truly feel some of you DO NOT know how to get REALLY pissed-off at crack! NOT angry or "mad" at someone or thing, but REALLY pissed-off at crackcocaine. So hopefully you can either get REALLY pissed-off at crack, or you could get REALLY pissed-off at me! Yeah let's try that. Get REALLY pissed-off at the crackconqueror and THEN turn that towards crackcocaine and attack crack!

WARNING: The names HAVE NOT been changed to protect the GUILTY!

1. Ask the Borher family how much we care about their crack-episodes. It took a lot of communication, understanding and most of all trust in Camille and Todd. In no way did they understand what we were saying to do at first. With trust and actions based on that trust, their situation at this writing has hope. A LOT OF HOPE. The situation is still in process and hopefully it will bring freedom for their son.

2. You could call or email Karen and ask her how much care and concern we have towards her situation and what crack brought to her life AND how she now attacks crack! At first she just simply did not know how POWERFUL this stuff called crack was. Oh she knows how horrible it was BUT not how to "attack crack"! She does now because she trusts and listens to our suggestions and if she does not do it exactly how we do in fact suggest, just by having faith and trust in our ministry she finds a way to attack crack. See if you trust and have faith that Camille and myself are being directed by God to glorify HIS name through attacking crack, ALL crackheads would find freedom. WE DO NOT CHOOSE HOW GOD WANTS US TO RAISE HIM ABOVE ALL! Attacking crackcocaine is how we have been given that task!

3. Dave you never did give up the money long term. A crackhead cannot find TRUE freedom when money is ALWAYS accessible. In some situations some money is OK to use when that is the ONLY way to function in a day for that exact situation, BUT no money no crack. Dave you stated to carry a cell phone SOON after you stated the program. WAY TOO EARLY! Maybe you should hire someone to run your business and Judy controls ALL the money and you have NONE, BUT all the bills are paid, business is good, life is boring BUT you have your freedom from crack. Dave what your heart desires is what you will find. I have a feeling you LOVE the lifestyle surrounding crackcocaine. Stop having to be the big man on campus. If you desire freedom from crackcocaine THAT is what you WILL find. If you desire crackcocaine, heroin, danger, fear, the lies and deceit and ALL that crack-crap, then go chase that and divorce Judy, give up the business and disappear into crackhell through the crackabyss and have a nice cracklife and hopefully you can die while being high on crack so the enemy can own your soul forever. That is what you will get. Dave really think about it and hey get REALLY pissed-off at me and then turn it on crack forever. Try it or I am afraid we are going to loose Dave as we know him mentally and we could possibly loose Dave as we know him physically! Such a waste of such a great guy!

4. Shannon you NEVER gave up any money and have had access to money anytime you have wanted it and have used it so EASILY when you get the crack-bite. How in the hell do you ever expect to conquer crack when money is there for you whenever you FEEL like or CANNOT help it when you smoke crack! Look in the mirror and TELL me what you see. Your sister smokes crack on an hourly basis, brings it to your face, is pregnant while smoking crack, "What you say she only smoked a "little" while pregnant so that could NOT be the reason her baby died"! WE are to believe 2 active crackheads that a pregnant crackhead only smoked a "little" crack during her pregnancy? And when her baby was born and died and THE DOCTORS said it was NOT crackcocaine? Who is lying here? Certainly NOT 2 or 3 active crackheads. No they would never lie! NEVER! Anyway doctors know way more than Todd. They have ALL smoked crack right? Or is this one of those "clinical" "textbook" ways of dealing with crackcocaine. Hey if the Dr. said so IT MUST BE the way it is. The crack-lies continue. "As The Crack Turns" daily at noon on channel 1. As a little extra comment, "In no way can continued crackcocaine smoking during a few years and in the amount of a "lot", could EVER cause permanent headaches, NEVER"! So when a Dr. prescribes a medication (for your headaches) that will INSTANTLY kill you if you happen to smoke crackcocaine is the way for you to quit forever, hurry up and get some headaches and run NOT WALK to your Dr. and get some of THAT medicine. And oh yeah, you can smoke just a "little" crack while pregnant and it will NOT kill your newborn or still born baby because a Dr. who looked it up on page 33 said it won't. Of course this is from a Dr. who does not smoke crack or does? Would this be like asking a guitar player how to play a D chord, they show you and then another guitar player says you cannot EVER play a D chord like that unless there is a picture showing the ONLY way to play a D chord? No it is not like that! Crackcocaine lies and causes death ALL the time, except in Houston!

5. John I think it was a little too late to save the relationship. So much time and energy was spent on "crackcocaine" that your relationship with Amber suffered from that. It does NOT help when you beat her ass too! This would have MANY a good women leaving and I suspect she said I have had enough and there MUST be a better situation out there for me. There she goes. Now what is ahead for you John? My suggestion is to continue to NOT smoke crack and get your freedom forever so the NEXT woman in your life does NOT have to have ANYTHING to do with crackcocaine. Just a suggestion. An extra suggestion: Be careful who you hang out with, you might become who and what they are. If gambling is a desire for you, trust me when I say this, the crack-demon will just get a hold of his cousin and give him your name so he can be ready to destroy your life through that means, oh you say no one in YOUR life has that issue, hhmmm? Take another look around yourself John. The enemy LOVES to BLIND us. Look what he did to Amber and you! Be careful John.

6. Barry you went drinking after I told you NOT to do anything. You said aw alcohol is no big deal. It that no big deal like your silly "worship" wanna-be anything or anybody but God and HIS son Jesus? BARRY, we talked and you know you should NEVER drink! NEVER! Of course if you like jail then you and booze make a GREAT team! Of all people I have talked to I am so disappointed in your foolish behavior especially since I KNOW how smart you are and how POWERFUL you COULD be in attacking crack. BUT you insist on being the "man" and pretending to be more than who you need to be. You said life is so boring! Is that more or less than jail? Is that with or without crack? I am confused. You said you love Sovia yet you love crack too. You are infatuated with alcohol and worship false beliefs. Now you are in jail. Which is better, jail or a boring life filled with love and truth and faith and trust! The only area I feel concerned about is these take work and once you have freedom then you have to maintain life as it comes to you and know in faith that God WILL bring peace to your heart. Well it is easier to follow empty promises and false hopes. They take absolutely no effort. Pick 1 and do it Barry and quit being a stupid crackhead who drinks himself to jail. DUH?!

7. Rick's mom simply said, "I just left my purse out for 5 minutes"! Duh lady. I cannot believe it took Rick THAT long to take the $20. Then after that everyone was so SHOCKED at what happened. This still did not help. This family is so deep in the river in Egypt, they are changing there citizenship soon! This is an OVER prescribed Dr.'s dream. The pharmaceutical companies LOVE families like this. When I mentioned this they just shut down. I am NOT saying medications are not needed in SOME situations and for awhile getting back on track and sometimes forever (not many) BUT the amount of "other" prescribed drugs in this family, WOW! HUGE! BUT until the crack IS gone, the other issues WILL not get resolved. Crack does not and will not share. I get so frustrated when Dr's just prescribe. Here TAKE this, you will be FINE! F - FEELING, I - INSECURE, N - NEUROTIC and E - EMOTIONAL. Just WHAT the Dr. ordered!

8. Shannon before you ran across the freeway to get high, you told me NAW I am not itching to get high. I just need to get things straight with this person (crack-whore) before I quit. Yeah right. You manipulated it so Crystal turned off on the exit so you COULD do just that, RUN to your true LOVE, Crackcocaine! This was after she bailed you out of jail (against our suggestions) and you promised to go to her house. You did not even come close to home. Now you are locked up and I wonder how you feel about smoking crackcocaine and getting "things" straightened out with your crack-whore? Was it worth it? I cannot believe you choose crack and crackbitch OVER Crystal! It is so unbelievable! OOOPS! I forgot we are talking about crackcocaine here! My fault I am sorry!

9. William you are just a STUPID PUNK CRACKHEAD! That is it. Plain and simple. You have NOT worked ANY of our program, period. You lie. You try and control. You lie. You try and fool me. You lie. You try and keep the truth from reaching you. You lie. You try and make Camille and me out to be wrong. You lie. You blame your crackhead life on everyone BUT yourself. You lie. You try and act like you are tough and NOT afraid. You lie. You act like you are some great Dad. You lie. You pretend to be a husband. You lie. You think you got it going on. You lie. You are close to dying from crackcocaine. You lie. William you are a STUPID PUNK CRACKHEAD that LIES! But that is what STUPID PUNK CRACKHEADS do. Hey William, tell you what, blame it all on me. It is MY (Todd Wm. Gibson's) fault you smoke crack. At least it is my fault you continue to smoke crack. Was I at fault for you smoking the first time? Oh it was someone else? Phew! I thought it was ALL my fault. I am glad to know it was only my fault for your continued crackhell. What a relief!

10. Jerry you are NOT the man anymore. You blew it on crack. Wake up. Or you could go back to the neighborhood where they ALL love and cherish you and get you crack. Oh you say it is to hang out and play ball? That in the neighborhood they respect you. Hmmm? Is it because you still have money to buy crack so you can be da' man! If you screwed up your professional basketball career from crack, then like duh what is wrong with you? Oh yeah you got to be da' man, I forgot. Well Jerry, you is da' man, the crackman!

11. John in NY. You got caught so you exposed the expense check that was funding crackworld. It was because you got caught NOT because you desired freedom. Crack-lies. We suggested you change jobs. You said you could not afford to do that. Well the money you spend on crack does not justify a lower paying job and being crackfree so money DOES NOT go to crack? Do the CrackMath John. A job that had money going to crack and therefore bills get behind and we decided to move and NOT change jobs because it would pay less, hmm wait let's see: Job money to crack, new job less money but no money to crack, hmmm? Borderline stupid crackhead.

12. Kim's husband JEFF in Houston. Hey Jeff you the big man responsible for ALL the cocaine coming into Houston. What a guy! Why in the world would you ever want to stop crack. You would not have any power then. Kim I think it is wasting your time trying to help your husband. He wants to have that TITLE and life. He told me if he stops using crackcocaine "they" will kill him. Hmmm? What is that? Crackcocaine will kill him too! He must choose between the 2. To try and get me into the "story" that he is Mr. Cocaine SR. and that IF he stops using he will get killed by the mafia. What? The Cocaine Mafia? What the hell is that? The Cartel? In Houston? So not one person involved in cocaine can stop because they will die by way of getting killed? So let's just give up right now. No hope. All is done. Jeff has spoken and there is no way to stop crackcocaine. Sorry folks. Crack is going to get Jeff, but not us! Jeff you are a sorry excuse of a man. That you are not. Maybe a crackboy but certainly not a man. Have a nice cracklife Jeff. Sorry Kim.

13. Bryan in Florida you had no business going off on your Dad. Just because he called you a crackhead? You are a crackhead! Hey CrackBryan you are acting stupid. Are you trying to get on my stupid crackhead page? Keep acting like you did and you will end up a stupid crackhead in "jail"! I realize you are reaching out NOW and that is great, but I suspect your going to struggle with this simply from your arrogant attitude that I have seen in just the short time we have had contact. You say your life is falling; well that is what happens when we smoke crackcocaine. It will not just be "normal" from stopping. It is a process that takes awhile. It WILL NOT happen JUST because you now admit you have a problem. It is a process. Are you ready for the fight of your life? Somehow I feel you feel this should just happen and hey I am not smoking crack right now, why is everyone STILL on my case? Well Bryan I am not sure you are ready for a fight. I think you expect life to just click in place. Reality of smoking crack is it takes awhile to correct the crack-crap once it catches up to us and takes a chunk out of our sorry crackass! Bryan do our program. Start RIGHT NOW! Not after the NEXT episode!

Why Should You Listen To Todd and Camille?

I don't know.

Maybe they know HOW to conquer crackcocaine.

Why Should You Listen To Todd and Camille?

I don't know.

Get REALLY pissed-off at Todd. Go ahead! I mean so pissed-off that you want to slap him. So pissed-off you never want anything to do with him and Camille. So pissed-off you turn that towards crackcocaine and conquer crackcocaine forever! That IS all that matters. Stopping the madness of smoking crackcocaine.

Why Should You Listen To Todd and Camille?

I don't know.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Chapter 6 Guitar Dreams

How much joy can I express in printed words that describe the ultimate high in life…to play music that moves the soul and spirit; a life long dream since I was 6 years old. I have had vivid dreams of recording a record or an album (a CD nowadays). The year of 2002 was the year a life long dream was fulfilled. I recorded a CD in my new basement on my home computer recording studio that I am very proud of. The melodies are soothing harmonic melodies. Some originated from right in the midst of the crack cocaine despair and hoping to find some peace. Then some emotions from other events surfaced through the guitar while I was messing around and my door to serenity was wide open and I was running through it this time.
When I was 5 years old I saw a guitar in the window of a store called D & C- 5 & 10 store. It costs $4.95. I went home and soon earned the money. My mother brought me to buy it and that was the start. She bought a book that had some pictures of chords and exercises and she showed me how to pluck the top string with a pick and strum down on the rest…pluck-strum strum, it was a C chord or at the time sort of a C chord. I liked it and was on my way to playing guitar. I had lessons and played in a lot of places in life by the time I was 13.
At the age of 29 I smoked crack cocaine. Playing guitar was not on life’s list anymore. I pawned my one prize possession in life…my 1958 double cut away Sunburst finish with circle fret marks Gibson ES-330 or 335, I am not positive which number exactly, but it was a dream guitar bought by my parents for my 11th birthday from just a guy going to Vietnam and was so sad to sell it. They bought it for $150. I pawned it for the last time for $75, to smoke crack, and I never was able to get it back. I have nightmares about this. It is a deep regret of mine as far as a thing I wished I really had now that I have actually done a CD. I still cry over this one. Life’s irony. The thought of not having my guitar and the reason why, keeps me humble. Just another bad crack memory.
In 1983 I had 7 guitars and stuff. From 1985 through 1997 I did not have 1 guitar or even think of playing or even wanted to. Looking back, it is clear that during this time my soul and spirit were empty, very empty.
In my last confined facility, (a work release program) ironically a guitar showed up. I brought in some new strings that had just been given to me by a guy that bought a hot-tub at the factory I worked at just out of the blue…ironically these are the ONLY strings I can use on this guitar. Every Saturday in the pool room I would get to play uninterrupted or hassled for about hour and a half. This lasted about 10 months. The last 3 months there, the guitar was locked up because some moron did something to ruin what was a decent thing. I was very eager to get a guitar now that I got a taste of playing again.
While in this facility I would play some blues and some classical pieces, and try and get some peace from playing. A tiny little seed was planted then, to again pursue playing the guitar. It was a magnet. Truly a healthy obsession. It was a direction that I put my time into this time. Grew up and decided to do something with my life and feelings. I let it go to God as I have heard said so many times from so many people in so many different ways, its head spinning. I just sat down and said, “God, if playing guitar is my door to serenity, please I want to go through it. Play through me. Help me find a way to express my new found freedom and share it and most of all keep it.”
Some of my new inspiration came from my long time hero of guitar playing-Phil Keaggy. At a local concert/clinic (with a ticket given to me by my wife for my birthday present) he shared some tips on how he went about playing. One thing he said was to go and tune your guitar to how it sounds good to you and let the guitar and the tuning take over, let it guide you. I did the minute I walked in the door and tuned my guitar to some really different sounds and just went for it. Some cool stuff started to happen.
My life had gotten to a point where I had some solid clean time playing my guitar. I would practice late at night and into the early hours of morning while my daughter and now pregnant wife slept. All together I would say I played on average 20-25 hours a week for 18 months. A whole lot better than being in the madness. This was a time for my soul and spirit to solidify their position in my physical existence. Finally true serenity. Another prayer answered. Today when I play guitar I feel complete serenity. A oneness. Complete. Ten feet tall and bazooka proof. Relaxing……Amazing.
When I was right in the middle of despair and sitting on the fifth floor in the facility I have mentioned before, with tears in my eyes, praying for some relief and then to start playing the song “I’m Sorry”. I felt I now had a way to communicate without speaking. By now my words were worthless anyway, along with all the broken promises. To say I’m sorry was pointless, but playing it felt like a start back to reality. Unfortunately it was just that, a start.
I do a lot of “Looking Back” and it does help me stay focused on the right now, especially when the bad crack memories push their way to the front of all thoughts and then I have to quickly move them to the here and right now thoughts as to how is my life right now. Otherwise they occupy too much space in my head…again the psychological pull of crack cocaine is the monster we are talking about.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Crackhead Mom with Agape Love

...Agape Love by Marilyn R. Lyon
...episodes about Todd Wm. Gibson alias ie: "Crackhead"

Chapter Eleven

I was becoming an expert on organizing a crack-heads life after a fall. Something I never would have believed possible. I felt like George M. with a skill no one wanted.
When I received the last call of distress and failure I would ever receive from my son, I was calm, collected, organized and dedicated. As though I had been called at a professional emergency help facility.
I picked him up on a cold wet fall morning from a street corner about 2 miles from where he lived. He had on a summer hat, an unlined cotton jacket and no socks. He had just said, "pick me up". I did. Neither of us said anything.
I drove to a restaurant and we sat down over hot coffee. This time he did not start an explanation with how much he had failed, how low he was, how helpless he was. He matter of factly explained as though he had just visited a relative at the hospital who was in serious condition.
He had picked the lock on his landlady’s bedroom door and stole $200 in tips she had left on her dresser. He re-locked the door. She was retired and worked part time and did not really need the money. A week or two previous she suspected Todd but never did or said anything. Instead she had a bolt lock put on her bedroom door. So next time he broke in the window and this time stole $400 in quarters.
When she discovered the second theft and the dislodged window, she called the police. Todd was so mindless he was just in his room as usual. When the police arrived he and his sleeping mind hid in the closet.
However strangely, when the police searched the room and the closet, they found no one. It is hard to say how much crack related crime they had already been drenched with that day.
When they left he went out the window and wandered around half clothed in the bitter cold until it was late enough to call me.
I went to see his landlady that morning. She was amazed that a crack-head she had living in her house had stolen money she left laying on a dresser behind a locked door. She also seemed to enjoy the excitement of re-telling the story and made a very large point of making me look in his room to see that she had in fact packed up all his things. But really had a waitress from work come and pack his things as though that would have some significance in my then soggy mind. I looked at the pillows on the bed and wondered if they were Todd’s, but just wanted to get his things and go. I did not even look in the drawers or closet. I knew more about what he had lost than what he had left.
Very soon we discovered a shark tooth necklace my brother had just given him while visiting form Florida. A beaded necklace made by his sister for Christmas last year; a typewriter he had bought while in school. A pair of pet shears he had for 15 years, and a new portable heater in a box and his toiletries in the bathroom.
Todd had done something very, very wrong. The courts would see to it that he pay back every dime. As well as the fact that Todd would feel loosing his stuff was what he deserved. But the personal things from my brother brought tears to his eyes. The typewriter was one of the few things he had bought for himself in 5 years. His wrong did not seem to us to make their wrong right.
I called the landlady thinking that these things had been overlooked. She hung up on me. I just wanted to retrieve the necklace not because they were so valuable, but because of their personal meaning.
Although he never spoke of it, I am sure he knew there would be a warrant out for him. So did I. He had committed his first felony that I knew of, or that he had been caught at. Although I was operating efficiently, I was very, very numb inside. Inside I was not operating, not thinking and not feeling anything.
I was drained. Todd talked about having to go back to the hotel he had been at the last year. He went immediately that day and got a job as a waiter at a new restaurant that had just opened. He was numb too and dumb and living in some fantasy world that by getting a job getting a place to live and by pretending it never happened, it would go away.
He was frantically running. I was humbly waiting. I saw Todd’s body in my house but I did not feel connected to it.
Somewhere I must have known he had to be punished for this, and that he would be punished. Nothing seemed to matter to me. I just went through the motions.
It was only a few days after he had called me on that cold wet morning when I looked out and saw police converging from all sides of the house. They hand cuffed him. I kissed him and gave him a hug and cried. I said to no one in particular, "He is a crack-head, not a criminal", as they took him away.
Can this be happening to me? I could not see how it could. But it was. This was not a TV program. This was happening to us.
I sat around like a zombie when I was not at work. Scott would call me with the details of charges and things that he called to find out about. A felony did not connect in my mind. All crimes were the same to me.
Then I got a telephone call one day when I was sitting at my desk starring dazed and empty, out the window. She was calling from the Bail Bond Dept. of the jail to find out some information so she could advise in bond being set. I did not give her a chance to ask any questions. A volcano erupted inside me. "It doesn’t matter what the bond is", I told her, and "He does not have it". None of us were going to pay it, and I started to cry. "He’s a crack-head. We are all still standing by him but he is a hopeless crack-head. We have tried everything. He has tried and failed so many times. He use to be a completely different person". I cried, "He needs a good drug program, or even a bad one. He was so much stronger than he was 5 years ago. I know he is on the brink of being able to stop. He just needs some help, some tools, and some information. I tried and tried and cannot find any help". All this poured out of me again like it was coming from someone else. Like I was reciting something to an empty room again.
"Well. If you think a drug program would help him, that’s where we will put him".
Just like that. I was silenced. Did I hear her right?
"Hello"? She said.
"Yes I am here. OK. I do think it would help. I know it will help. He is ready. Maybe it would not have helped in the beginning, I do not know. I know he is ready now. Thank you. You really mean it? Just like that you can get him in a drug program’?
My son never knew about my conversations with all the people I have talked to. He did not know about this one. When he stood in front of the Judge and the Judge said his sentence would be 6 months in a re-hab facility, he asked, "Why"? "Why now"?
"You have committed a felony", the Judge said.
"You mean I could have gotten in a Re-hab program before, if I had committed a felony"?, He asked?
"Yes", the Judge answered.
"I wish someone had told me", my son said.
The judge had no idea what he was talking about, naturally.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Conquering CrackCocaine


Conquering crack cocaine does not involve just the user. It starts with you obtaining knowledge and transforming that into power over how crack cocaine has entered your life. Then we plant a seed of hope and lovingly from a distance, nurture it. While contaminated, a user does not believe that there is a way out. We need to eliminate all the ways this person gets access to money. Never put money in the hands of a person possessed by crack cocaine, not even a penny. You may have to be drastic like sleeping with a purse or wallet in a plastic bag for a noise alarm to keep money away from the hands of a crack-head. Leave your valuables in a safe box or at someone else’s house. Camille had to do these type of things long enough to get a grip on the situation so a plan can be executed. Are there pop cans lying around? Take them in yourself. It only takes $5.00 to get going on crack cocaine again. Get a storage place and store all things that could be sold or pawned for money to get crack cocaine. Have pay checks direct deposited into an account he or she does not have access to. This is not an option. If a crack-head says they want help, they probably do. A sure fire way to see if this is real, is to direct deposit without exception. If this one simple thing is not complied to or agreed to, then the time is not right for them to quit. At this point YOUR survival is first. When they hit below bottom again or are in jail, they will cry for help again. Same thing then. Drastic measures for a drastic situation! If they need food you go buy the food and give it to them. You can pack them a lunch. Absolutely no money. Find a local food pantry through a church or program. If they need clothes, you can buy them and then cut the inside label off and write their name on the inside collar and you KEEP the receipt so it can not be returned for money. If it is possible and they are working, arrange to drive them or find someone to do it or buy a monthly bus pass so they can get to work only. The bus pass is only to look for a job or to get to a job. If they are looking, the names and times need to be on paper and verified. Your conversations should be limited to conquering crack cocaine. Nothing else matters. When he or she begs for money say NO! Practice saying NO. If they are being evicted give them the address to a local shelter if you are not able for some reason to have them in your home because they cannot be trusted yet. Print out pages from our website and give it to them for a present instead of material things. Todd's father bought him a gravestone and coffin for Christmas. Is this being mean? NO it is being real because crack cocaine does and will kill. Sometimes having tougher than tough love is needed to get that window open. Some people have to leave, some divorce, others have their children taken away. Many have to have protective services or the police called just to open that window. You have to fight crack cocaine with all your might. Sitting around worrying gets you nothing. Driving around looking for that person gets you nothing but out of gas. They will be back when they have exhausted all means of money or they are physically unable to continue. Pray to God for their safe return so you can continue the fight. There does come a point of deciding to let go. How do you know when that time comes? When your loved one shows no signs of progressing in the process of conquering crack cocaine. Progress could be as sad as they brought back $20.00 of their paycheck instead of nothing. The progress may be a little micro dust mite, but any and all progress is a sign to continue. When all progress stops, then yes there does come a time to let that person go. That does not mean that it can’t happen at a later time, but it means you might have to move on in hopes they will get to the point of desiring progress again, or needing it. The fact is, that some people never get there and crack cocaine kills. Crack cocaine is draining and exhausting. We are living proof that it is worth the fight.

We get a lot of questions on when do I trust again? Trust is earned not given. You give trust a little at a time until that person proves his or her trust ability. Little droplets of trust at first and that does not even begin until they have significant days clean (at least 45 days minimum) and are showing signs of progress. Camille let me carry money only when she was with me, for example: when we went out to eat Camille would let me hold the money and pay for the meal so I felt better in front of others, but the minute we got in the car I had to give what was left back, and it better add up. Keeping your loved one connected to the real world is very important to their ability to form positive self-esteem again. Having birthday parties, Christmas, family gatherings, taking them to church even if they just got high, going to a movie, buying a hamburger etc… normal events of everyday life. Sharing new ideas you read about. These things need to take place even if you have to drop them off back in their crack-infested neighborhood. Keeping in touch is a way of planting seeds of hope. Remember how your loved one use to be? Maybe you can help them get there again. It is possible. Crack cocaine can be conquered! This takes a team participation. Those in your family who wish not to participate, might have to step aside for a while.

Expose crack! Tell everyone you know that your loved one is possessed by crack cocaine. It does not matter who knows. The more you expose crack cocaine the less power it has on you or your loved one. Camille even told the grocery clerks about it and gave the manager a picture and told them Todd is possessed by crack cocaine and may try to cash a bad check here. You know what? They did call when Todd tried to do this. Camille would tell local police, neighbors, all family members, pastor and EVERYONE she came in contact with and it worked! Crack-Todd started to lose power and my Todd is the man we knew he is! Crack-Todd could not go anywhere in the area we lived in without Camille finding out. So SPEAK! This is your life and your loved ones soul you are fighting for. Embarrassment never gets you to a crack-free life, but taking control does. Tom Petty has a song that has a line in it that goes, “I'm taking control of my life, right now!”. So can you. So can your loved one.

We know crack cocaine can be conquered. We are here to help anyone through the process. When we went through this we had very little help. Our goal is to reach as many people as we can. We are not here to debate programs and whether they work or not. We are here to share our beliefs, uphold them and share any and all ways that allowed Todd and I to conquer crack cocaine.

Saturday, April 30, 2005



Developing a program to living your life crack-free is a process of finding ways that will help you. We need to not worry about making mistakes. We will have to learn from those mistakes. A strong support team and developing your relationship with God has to be. We have a belief that there is a better life than the pathetic one that crack cocaine brings you to. Crack cocaine can be conquered! You can live your life without it. We are here to bring you our truths about crack cocaine. Addiction, disease or possession? Or all three?! First we need to understand what crackcocaine is. Addiction is the habitual use and feeling of need of a substance. Disease is a pathological condition of a part, organ, or system of an organism resulting from various causes, such as infection, genetic defect, or environmental stress, and characterized by an identifiable group of signs or symptoms. Possession is to take into control. Crackcocaine takes a person's soul into control, even changing their character (attributes, traits, or abilities) and rapes them of their moral values, and keeps them from having a valuable life. This is true for both the person using and those involved with the user. It is our belief that when a person uses crack cocaine it possesses their body, soul and spirit. We visualize that the smoke of crack cocaine is the very breath of Lucifer. We believe crack cocaine is an actual evil force out to destroy those that are possessed by the breath of Lucifer and the sweetness of the devil's candy. In a disease, the affects are to the individual; an addiction affects first the individual. Crack cocaine immediately effects everyone involved with the user, including the user. So, forever possessed? No, crackcocaine can only possess you as long as you let it.

Before you start the process.
First you must view yourself as just a person who wants to stop smoking crack cocaine. This is even if and when we say we don’t want to stop.
Second we must accept the fact that no one can do anything to make you stop smoking crack cocaine. You must choose what works for you to stop smoking crack cocaine. If one way does not work, try another way.
Third important item is to accept all progress however seemingly small and seemingly insignificant it is, as success. When you fall, pick yourself up from where you fell, apply all the knowledge and progress you have obtained and continue your program for living your life crack cocaine free.
The fourth thing is…have hope in yourself. The hardest obstacle in front of you, is you. You have heard testimony that living life without crack cocaine is possible. Your experience with adverse situations will provide the strength and desire for this new life.
Start with thirty days to cleanse, either in a treatment center which is preferred because of the medical things that can happen when getting crack cocaine out of your system, or you can devise a plan to do this at home.This one would mean zero money, no car, no job, no phone, no alcohol, no drugs unless prescribed by a doctor…nothing. It does not matter if you have a job because the money was already going to crack cocaine anyway. Go to church or a meeting or both. Start going to safe crack-free places. Begin gathering your support team. This does not have to be forever. It does need to be right now until the behavior and actions support a non-crack cocaine daily pattern.
Read the bible or any other printed words of healing truths. Write in a journal everyday. Writing is a wonderful and powerful tool, maybe the strongest. Be safe in a safe place with safe people, ALWAYS! Do not go anywhere alone. Always have a safe person with you. Do not be alone during this time, not for a minute, not for a second. Use your own or any kind of support team to help you. On line chat groups are available during times when it is not possible to have a person with you at home. Be safe in a safe place with safe people 24/7, no excuses.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Crack Don't...s


1. Don't EVER let a crackhead have money.
2. Don't believe anything a crackhead says.
3. Don't leave valuables around the house when and if a crackhead is present.
4. Don't believe you are the reason they are possessed by crackcocaine.
5. Don't call their employer and make excuses for them.
6. Don't mask crack-possession with just an alcohol problem.
7. Don't give a crackhead access to ANY vehicle.
8. Don't buy presents for ANY known crackhead ever.
9. Don't allow anything but DIRECT DEPOSIT to an account they cannot access.
10. Don't be afraid to SAY crackhead.
11. Don't pay any bills, rent, food, check charges, crack-dealer debts, NOTHING.
12. Don't be afraid to confront their crack-behavior with truths and facts.
13. Don't allow a crackhead free-rent if you choose to let them live with you.
14. Don't protect a crackhead from crack-behavior consequences.
15. Don't offer more than "the streets" or "rehab"...that's it.
16. Don't chase them or crackcocaine. Pray for safe return.
17. Don't be afraid to call the police.
18. Don't accept calling or coming home late again - go sleep at the crackhouse.
19. Don't be inconsistent.
20. Don't focus on perfection...focus on progress.
21. Don't expect immediate 100% freedom.
22. Especially do not believe ANYTHING said from a crackhead-in-jail.
23. Don't be afraid to "PISS 'EM OFF".

Monday, April 18, 2005

Just For the Blog of It.

Detroit "Attack on Crack" Presentation Saturday April 17, 2005 415PM - 845PM
Wow! It is so amazing how difficult it is for a crackhead to give up the money! The ONLY reason for this, is somewhere in their mind, they are still thinking about smoking crackcocaine. Real men give up their money to someone they trust or love or both. Even "realer" men DO NOT HASSLE, MANIPULATE OR GO AGAINST THIS MONEY GIVING UP, after they have agreed that they are a crackhead and money gives them "access" to the ability to buy crackcocaine when one of those "squirrelly" moments come! The impression that it was and is NOT THAT BAD is so mamby pamby, soft, fluffy, phony and full of B.S.! Smoking crackcocaine is wrong, bad, horrible and kills everyone and the crackhead from the inside first, before the secular or the "reality" world kills the crackhead for real! Crack-Kills. Crackhead pride again reared its ugly head Saturday. Hey I know, I think I will screw up my life again so I can move back home knowing the rules and then NOT follow the rules and act like my parents are fools! There is a possibility I could get my life in-order so I will never have to deal with my parents "foolish" rules and can actually decide if I want to go to a meeting instead of being ordered by a judge, probation officer or a non-ever used crackcocaine person who only wants us to NOT smoke crackcocaine and know of no other way that society has to offer with addiction and especially a possession --- of your soul. But hey, this time you know what you are doing, what it is been a week right? That should be enough time for you to know how NOT to smoke crack right? Certainly by you the "crackhead" saying sure I can quit for 25 days or at least 21 days, well we KNOW if you had the money and the access to getting and smoking crackcocaine, you would fall even further in the crack-abyss. Of course I do remember being told hey maybe today is the start of never smoking crack again! Yes it could be. I hope it is. This is a process that is so spiritually draining, we know crackcocaine has incredible power when it will actually have a crackhead finding it easier dealing with crack-crap than the spiritual onslaught that comes when we decide to attack crack. One other interesting comment, when I talked to this crackhead before going to Detroit, he did agree and say that crack talks to you. When I asked him in person in front of everyone, he denied that crack talks to him. He just shrugged it off as if to say hey Todd, see I am not THAT bad of a crackhead because crack does not talk to me, or like purposely going against our presentation to show me up in front of his family. Anyway he knows crack talks to him. I know crack talks to him. Why he is so defiant, is an indication to me he is doing what it takes to keep daddy and mommy happy (because he screwed up again smoking crackcocaine and had to move back home) instead of really wanting freedom from crackcocaine. His next crack-high is really all he wants to go towards. He is not willing to sacrifice ANYTHING to earn this freedom we are talking about. For some reason he thinks freedom is free. Maybe he should ask a soldier in Iraq, or better yet ask a family who lost a member to Saddam's demonic rule for over 30 years, but I have a feeling this "crackhead" from Detroit who DOES NOT do laundry which REAL men do when needed or asked to help with, feels freedom should be handed to him especially since he has NOT smoked crackcocaine for 8 days?! Unless there is a commitment to do the things that WILL stop crackcocaine dead in its tracks, this Detroit crackhead will NOT be able to resist an enemy a lot stronger than all of us, unless we unite and agree to attack crack in any way that exposes it, confronts it and destroys crackcocaine. Every crackhead CAN BE FREE from the grip crackcocaine has on possessed souls. ONLY the crackheads themselves can release the crack-demon from themselves. The enemy has them tricked that this is not possible so stop trying. Crack-demon, it is just cocaine, a drug just like ALL other drugs but NOT a demon. It could NOT be that simple. Yes it can and is. EASY? Not even close to easy. SIMPLE? This is the simplest truth about crackcocaine and what it takes to conquer crack. Crackcocaine IS the devilscandy. That is what it is. John 10:10 tells us the "devil" deceives us so good, like a piece of "candy", once we smoke crackcocaine, he has owner-ship of your soul. The lie goes even deeper when the enemy convinces us we can have crackcocaine and a life too and we will spend many years trying to achieve this and never will. NO I HAVE NOT met any crackhead with a life. There are none. Phony false ones sponsored by the enemy to once again trick us into a "hush hush" and shhhhhh attitude about crackcocaine. Let's not talk about it and by the way give up MY MONEY that I earned the right to spend on crack? No way. I know how to NOT smoke crackcocaine. It is easy. I do it every few weeks or so, NO I MEAN I do not smoke crackcocaine every few weeks! Gosh, you act like I am a crackhead or something!

Crackcocaine is such an evil, arrogant and deceptive tool fromthe enemy! The more we attack, the more deceptive it becomes. Butthat is part of the plan from the enemy. If we would just trust,believe and have faith in a life WITHOUT crackcocaine, it woulddiminish the power crackcocaine has on our soul and spirit. There islife in abundance wihtout crackcocaine. Can anyone say that aboutlife with crackcocaine? How is it that NOT being able to STOP smokingcrackcocaine is a disease? Is this the same as NOT being able to eatjust one Lay's potato chip? Crackcocaine IS the devilscandy. That iswhat it is. And if we need a label put with that, the label will becrackcocaine is a "disease of possession"! The cure is to believe inthe FACT that crackcocaine can be conquered and destroyed forever! Ofcourse this goes way beyond substance abuse and JUST an addiction.Why is it that the simple truth is so difficult to believe? Maybebecause it is too simple. I mean how cute to call crackcocaine "thedevilscandy". What a great gimmick Todd and Camille have come up withto hawk their books and programs! Damn straight it is a greatgimmick. You want to know what though? IT WORKS! Whether a gimmick ora truth of simplicity, it works to STOP CRACKCOCAINE DEAD IN ITSTRACKS! If someone could explain to me how the "evil" got inside ofthose idiots who flew palnes into the Twin Towers, and why when wesmoke crackcocaine this cannot be the same evil (of course withoutscientific data) that possesses the crack-user. WHY? Maybe becausesomewhere poeple do not want the crackcocaine to go away. It wouldcost a lot of jobs in our prison's, treatment centers, probationofficers, and hey let' not forget the crack-punk dealers. Maybe thereis a crackunion out there promoting that NOT being able to STOPsmoking crackcocaine IS a disease, and knowing a lot of people willnot buy into that and Tod and Camille just have a gimmick...lookslike crackcociane is poised to continue to destroy because it IS toosimple to be free forever...Todd the CrackConqueror

Saturday, April 09, 2005

CrackHead 101

This weeks class is on how we do NOT give a crack-head money ever, and no reason is good enough to put money in any amount in a crack-heads hand; and if you do, you are responsible for the consequences, not the crack-head! (if the money did come from you)
I need money for..
Request: Lunch Answer: No you don't here is your sack lunch.
Request: Gas Answer: No you don't I filled your tank.
Request: Cigarettes Answer: No you don't here is a pack opened and with one missing.
Request: I got to pay the dealer back or he'll kill me Answer: Not if you don't go back there.
R- I need bus money A- No here is a bus pass.
R- I have a flat tire A- I will meet you at the tire store.
R- I have bills to pay A- Who do I make the check out to, what's the account number and how much?
R- I need new shoes A- Lets go to the shoe store together.
R- We need to tithe A- Sure lets get a money order with our church name on it and you can place it in the offering plate while we are at church.
R- I need to pay for a doctor's appointment A- What's the doctors name I will write the check and take you.
R- I need a haircut A- I will take you; What salon do you like?
R- I have court fines A- What's your case number so I can call and get the amount and send them a check.

NEVER PUT MONEY IN THE HANDS OF A CRACK-HEAD, EVER! That does not mean forever. Right now though, NO MONEY PERIOD!

How do you know when your crack-head has conquered crack? Crack is conquered when being accountable does not bother them. Crack is conquered when they do not fear crack-cocaine. Crack is conquered when they can hold a job and manage their money, pay their bills and have fun. Crack is conquered when God and their family come first. Crack is conquered when they are happy with their accomplishments and are at peace with themselves and their current surroundings. Crack is conquered when you and family members can trust them again (this happens only after they can trust themselves first). Crack is conquered when they can live their life crack-cocaine free without the assistance of anything else except the truth about crack-cocaine being the devil's candy that is seeking only to kill them. Crack is conquered when they are willing to help others conquer crack-cocaine. Crack is conquered when they can live with themselves the way they are without crack-cocaine and attack the urges and resist.

We frequently like to go over signs and symptoms of crack-cocaine use. We do this to remind you of what to look for.

Crack is cocaine cooked in baking soda and water to form a chunk like piece and then broken in tooth size pieces and is kind of an off white color. The name crack comes from the sound it makes when lit. Crack came about in the early 1970's by American dealers by chance. They had placed some cocaine on tin foil and burned it to test its purity. Then they discovered sniffing the vapors was quite an intense high and the birth of freebasing cocaine was born. From being cooked in baking soda and being so small yet so potently devastating to all life allowed for easy transportation, packing and selling of this horrible drug. The simplicity and abundance of crack-cocaine lead to extreme use and lots of money for crack-punk dealers.

The first thing to look for is his or her pupils will be huge and glassy. Then profuse sweating, drastic weight loss, sensitivity to light and sound, very hyper and does not sleep then followed by complete exhaustion, not eating then eating like crazy, sexual dysfunction, extreme sexual fantasy but cannot follow through, dramatic mood changes, extreme self-confidence, anger, depression, paranoid, suicide thinking, unable to hold a job, intense arguing, very chatty, financial and legal problems, not paying bills, no food in the house, not a penny to their name and are very highly skilled at covering up the where's, the who's, and the what's with denial and lies. He or she may have burns on their lips or hands from smoking crack and sometimes are unable to control urination and bowel movements possibly from having an allergic reaction to the additives in street drugs, menstrual cycle problems, malnutrition and a ton of others that slip the mind.

In pregnancy there can be miscarriage, premature birth, low birth weight, still birth, addicted newborn, deformities and a number of other problems for the baby. Other risks include: aids, hepatitis and sexual diseases are possible from the practice of un-safe sex for crack. Ways he or she may buy crack include: stealing, writing bad checks, pawning anything he or she can carry, bringing pop bottles back, pan handling, sexual favors, allowing crack-dealers to use their car, giving rides to other crack-users, selling crack, delivery of crack, trade food stamps for crack, give blood for crack, rob banks and people, spend their welfare on crack, steal others checks and forge names, prostitution, break into cars, receive gifts and return them for the money and lots more the list is too long for this news letter. The worst jobs for a crack-head include: waiting tables, cleaning houses, jobs that require traveling alone, jobs at retail stores, driving cab or any job that deals with handling cash and I am sure more that I am not thinking of.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

CrackHeads with Money = lives ruined again and still!

This is from a lucky crackhead with money who only smokes 2 rocks a week! Geez...what a lucky crackhead with money. How come I never was a crackhead as lucky as this one. I was such an under priviledged crackhead.

hi, i am in a strange position. i have been smoking
crack for about a year after abstaining for 15 yrs. i
am now 56. i read all these stories and they all say
about the same thing. what bothers me about my habit
is that once i do my two 20.00 piecies i always stop.
i do it once a week, that is my habit.
how is it that
i am always able to controll the amount i do and how
much i do it?
these people i read about seem to do it
for days. what is it about my habit that i am able to
controll these things. my body always tells me enough
is enough. if i smokede any more than i said, i get
really nausious and my heart would give out. anyway
its really bad and i have been straight for almost
three weeks. i hope i never do it again. i read your
people stories every day. i never got to the lows of
these people who tell their stories. i have been in
bad places as a result of using the drug, but never
had to resort to stealing, although i know what the
lying is all about. how long do you thing it will take
to get rid of the physical urges at this point after
being straight for 17 days? and what about the mental
urges? do they ever stop like they mostly do when you
stop smoking. i have been nicotine free for 5 months.
i have no physical urges, and dont think about it much
until i see someone smoking. i guess if i saw someone
smoking crackk like people smoke cigs. it would be
really hard to quit. what do u think about my

thankyou for your response, although i wish you would
look at my specific comments and questions without
sending me back what appears to be mostly a " form "
response. if you care to look at my specifics, even
though you said i was lucky, i would appreciate it. i
know it must be so hard responding person to person to
everyone who writes, but i appreciate the fact that
you responded at all!!!!,

Thank you 2 rock crackhead.

This is from a crackhead with ONLY $40 on them. Have money...will smoke!

Well as of today I am not good at all this past Friday I did the unthinkable again! YES LUCIFER got me! I am soooo ashamed!!!!! Todd I do not know what happened all I know is I took my brother to court in Wharton and they revoked his porbation due to fees and that had me crying all theway home then got mom something to eat then made an excuse to leave!! WHY???? I am not myself at this moment in time. My man has forgiven me for the $40.00 I spent but is still hurt that I did it......I am on day number 2 again and will try to find my way again....get myself up and dust myself off and no pity party for me got want to get back on with my life because I want my life right for good this time!!!!!

This is so sad...crack is crack -- sad but true! Crackheads with money smoke crack!

This is from a crackhead who thinks leaving money elsewhere will stop crack. Any money ANYWHERE with access to it will bring cracksmoke to the fire of desire to smoke crackcocaine.
Easy...HELL NO! Simple....oh yeah...very!

I tried to get my twin out of using but instead i ended up using too. So far i have been beaten up, lost alot of money, my self respect and need help.
I am alone with two adult sons who dont know that i have used and i have been using for about 8 months now, my twin for 4 years. i hate it, i know it is evil, i see the evil in everything and everyone who does it. i know it is on a seek and destroy mission with everyone it touches. everytime i feel despair i run to it, but all it does is make me not care about everything or anyone. i feel unloved and think if no one loves me why should i love myself. Then the next day i do care about everything, when i go to it i leave most of my money elsewhere so i wont spend it. i think that i am limiting myself but instead end up begging someone for more. One is a tease and 1000 is not enough. please help

Whereever you go you will follow...the enemy knows the deal with money...too bad crackheads do not!

This is from a crackhead with lots of money so he could buy more than he thought he should? HUH?

My name is XXX. i been smoking this shit for 2 weeks. I had a lot of money, so i was buying more than i thought i would.... I had been up for 3 days.... on the 3rd night, i got home with my last 2 rocks, and i smoked them both then started smoking a spliff of cannabis to go to sleep.... Then i could hear this drum beat very repetitive, and getting louder..... my mouth was dry and i needed water yet i decided not to move..... all of a sudden i felt a presence....i ran outta my bedroom into the kitchen downstairs, and drank some water.....the presence had followed me and fully entered me...... something had control of me.... i could talk, but couldn't stop moving......i knew something was inside me trying to gain full control, but it couldn't.....it was enough to scare the shit outta me..... my arms carried on moving, i couldn't stop moving my legs.... my brother got scared.....i rang the ambulance and told the operator i had been spiked with something in my cigarette......when they came, i ran up into my bedroom (where i had been smoking it like a dickhead) to put some clothes on and open the windows...... but i heard the "hell beat" again..... this time i could feel the presence deeper, and i ran out of the house...into the ambulance....they took me hospital and left me in the waiting room for 1 hour.... i was still moving but a lot less than before......i was still stuttering when i taLKED and also rubbing my chest , my legs, licking my lips, talking very fast and carelessly...... plus i was understanding exactly everything around me....but i just couldn't help being normal...... i was fucked properly....the doctor came out to see me and told me to get lost and go home.....he treated me like a junkie and didn't have the slightest care for what i had just gone through or experienced.... my heart was still beating fast.... i rang a taxi and got a lift home....i'm lucky it was still early morning and no one really saw me in that state....i was still moving and stutteri g really fast....thye driver dropped me outside my house and went.....i knocked my door, and my sis in law opened it.....i entered the house and went up to get my trainers, but as i looked up the stairs, i felt the presence stronger than ever, and my vision went temporarily red with smoke from upstairs....no one else could see or feel what i was seeing and feeling... i ran to the kitchen for more water but "it" chased me and got hold of my left arm, i could feel pains there......i ran out of the house, then it weared off....... then i realised this must be the gateway to your own personal hell, that i have just created.....every time i'd heard about this shit, i thought it was rubbish until it happened to me...... this was the most (messed) up experience of my life..... that has made me stop this shit...., also it makes me feel like killing every bastard that sells it or promotes it...... thats all....... i thought i was the only one....
I am from a little town called Bedford, in England....

Angry crackheads possessed and with lots of money will bring the enemy to devour your soul, chew it up and spit it out...right in your stupid crackhead with money's face.

This is from the woman in love with a crackhead with money. Gift money at that. Here have the gift of death...money for crack!

Hi Camille. Well, things were trying to be good. Seems as soon as the job came along, our lives have been turned upside down again. XXXX finished his 75 days, and shortly after decided to have a drink on his birthday Nov 5th, then 2 days later more and more after that etc...so went back on antabuse. blah blah
He got a nice new job and they said they could give him a check so he would have some Christmas money. On Thursday he decided not to meet me after work on Friday. (Plotting already I guess knowing he would be paid that day and did not tell me) Instead, he got paid, bought crack and weed. Today, Monday, I come home and he's not here. TV, lights and heater on. He's gone. Then I listen to my messages. It's good ol Karma again. He got himself picked up and put back in jail somehow. Same ol scenario. The system still has this warrant on file that has not been updated. Well, I call it Karma. he belongs in jail for what he "really" did. Too bad they didn't find drugs on him. Needless to say, I'm fed up. I am telling him this is his last chance. If he can't deal, he's going to a 2 year program. Won't see me for 18 months either. I think that's fair. I'm sorry, I'm venting. I can't go to the group because no one there is very supportive, just a bunch of angry people. and listen to me....lol What a joy I am.
I just want you to know what's been going on since 75 days. After 75 days, it seems like he just went no further. What do people do after the time is up with this program? What is the next step? That part was really unclear. All just fell flat on its face. We are at a loss with this. I did my part the best I could. I really feel like I am losing all respect and a lot of love for him. How can I when he disrespects this house and puts us at risk? I can't even tell you anything else. It's all too shocking and embarassing. Did you get my last E-mail? I didn't hear back. Please let me know that you got this one.

Thank you for the Christmas card and thinking of us. We just received it.

Merry Crackmas!...All I want for Crackmas is my crack^^money, my crack^^money!

This is from an offer to buy devilscandy.com....the enemy never stops trying eh?

Are you willing to sell devilscandy.com to me.
I am starting a new business and thought this would be a good name. I'm making an offer of 1500 USD. please let me know.
Thanks for your time.
Best Regards,

$1500.00 USD....do ya think that is enough? Hmmm?! I don't think so...devilscandy IS NOT 4sale...not now not ever...NO AMOUNT OF MONEY WILL EVER BE ENOUGH! Are you kidding! The enemy comes to me with a million$..to sell and then not be here to bring the truth about crackcocaine! NICE TRY Luci...

This is from a crackhead about ready to loose everything because he lies about his money and has to have it...oh he gives his girl some...lies about other money coming and smokes crack...DUH?!

In the quest to conquer cocaine addiction, is it ok for a crack addict to
drink? My boyfriend who is trying to conquer crack addiction seems to think
anytime he chooses since he is 45 years old is ok, he didn't hurt anyone or
anything. He just gave me a check the other day he cashed last week of $750
because he had cashed it and had temptations. He still holds the atm card
and has access to his money, because he doesn't want to be controlled.
I so
much long to help, but am very hurt tonight because he gets upset everytime
I question him when he decides to drink. I am seriously considering giving
up on this relationship of three years. I have waited two years for him to
stop and even tells me how he can't drink when I'm not here and how he
messed up over the last month almost every weekend for a month. I was gone
to Florida with a job, and he used every Saturday night or Sunday evening.
Made it to work everytime he did it on a Sunday evening, but does that make
it ok, does that mean he is getting better?
Any advice would help!
Thank you,

This crackhead with money is about to loose his job, woman and everything just because he cannot give up the money to someone who he supposedly loves and trusts. Thing is he trusts the enemy more...and that is obvious. Hmmm? Let us see...I trust myself as a crackhead with money more than my beautiful woman who loves me...and would rather put money into a crack-punk dealer and support crackcocaine evil than to give up the money so he can stop the madness. This qualifies as a really stupid crackhead with money!

Another offer to buy devilscandy.com? What is going on! No it is not for sale!

Are you interested in selling devilscandy.com?
If so, please respond with your asking price or at least a price range if your looking for offers. We are planning to make a web portal. Our purpose is to buy this domain from you and use it in this project. We can make the domain transfer operations safety, over escrow.com. I can pay for the cost of domain transfer operations. If you accept, please let me know.
Thanks for your time.
Best Regards,

No sale...no money...no crack-smoking!

This is from a crackhead with money who does not think he has a problem and refuses to DIRECT DEPOSIT.

I'm going to get a phone card so I can call you later on. ( Don't have long distance on the phone) Is there a good time to call you thisd evening? I don't know if my husband would be willing to talk this time. (His name is Nick.) Like I said, this time he SWEARS he doesn't have a problem. His mom said, " He said he was just TESTING himself." Then why did he call a crack dealer the next day? They enable him to do this because they give him a place to go crash. It's insane. I think he would rather divorce me than admit he has a problem. No, I'm not working right now. Had to stay home and babysit him. We have 3 girls and 1 boy. I am 22.He is only 25. (My name is Michelle- everybody calls me Shell though) He isn't willing to direct deposit that check somewhere. In fact, he got his settlement recently and I couldn't even TOUCH it. He carried around that much cash in his wallet. I'm in Pensacola Florida and we have central time. I love him more than anything in this world and I do not want to leave him. I said earlier, there is a GREAT man in there somewhere.

A great man in there somewhere with money to buy crack. Crackheads with money are not great men...there are stupid crackhead guys men fellas....

CrackHeads with money = lives ruined again and still!

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Chapter 10 from Agape Love by Marilyn R. Lyon

A picture of Todd from Sept. 1992..is on "Crackheads in Jail" page at

Halfway between the months of August and December of 1992, Todd began to get very nervous about his money. He had claimed from the beginning that he could not handle money even under the best of conditions. It was only by the Grace of having had such a plentiful amount always coming in those years previously he managed to make ends meet. He was convinced that getting a check and going to cash it was a trigger that made him eventually give into crack. This was especially true after he had picked up the pieces of his life and things were running smoothly again. To his credit even with the profound lure of crack plummeting through his system every day after a failure his resolve to set his life functioning again on some level was so strong he could concentrate on only that. He would be able to use this strength someday to stop. But as his life began to run again the lure moved further to the front and talked to him loudly. "You can have it all this time. This time it will work".
I came home from work one day and there was a badly scribbled note in large letters taped to my bedroom door. His door was closed. Basically it said he was the lowest crawling slimy scum that ever was put on earth. He had cashed his check and went right to the crack house. He spent all but a few dollars for gas and food. This included spending his rent money. He promised under oath and death that with next weeks check he would make it up. He apologized and apologized and apologized. He also added that he was so depressed and suicidal he could not talk about it right now.
This was a slip according to George Medzerian's book. I went immediately into his room uninvited not knocking. He was curled up in a ball with all his clothes on including his shoes with the covers pulled over his head. I pulled the covers off his head, rubbed his shoulders briefly and sat down.
I told him," You have slipped again. Get out of bed. Tomorrow is another day. Start again. If it gets worse then this we will have to rethink your staying here. For now just start again".
He sat up on the edge of the bed telling me he was hopeless he was so low there were no words for it.
I told him this was ridiculous to feel this way. He was lying to himself. Why do that? He had been a raving success 90% of his life. He was loved by everyone who met him. He must start again. Take it day by day.
He said he needed my help with his money. I would need to meet him at the store when he cashed his check. He would give me my rent money, buy food and I could hold the rest of his money for him. It's funny I never honestly felt that his crack-crap was a weakness in him. More that he was in the grips of a demonic profound substance. I felt this even from the start. I felt this thing with his money was a weakness, and I was enabling him. How could one function out there get rid of crack with no money passing through their life? He was convinced this made a difference.
Enabling or not, I did it. I was sure there were so many triggers and reasons and answers for his crack-crap so this one would not profoundly change anything.
School became a measuring stick to me. He was taking accounting and computers. If that part was still functioning, then he had to be. As we neared the Holidays again he was still very busy, still home when he was not at work, school or keeping his car running. Except when some friends came into his life. Non-addicted friends of course he assured me. He was very, very lonely. I was not happy with these friends although I did not know them. For a long time now he would not tell me even what side of town any people he spent time with lived on. Because I would be there driving around looking for his car if he disappeared. Taking out my anger and frustration on his friends because I could not take it out on him. In the beginning I had told all his friends I did not want any of them around Todd if they were using. They all pledged sincerely to me they were not. Which was not true. Those who I found out about, I would chase off my porch and hang up on if they called. We had both become jaded and dysfunctional from this lethal substance.
As the month went by he became moody and withdrawn. The trips to the bathroom started again. He dropped one of his classes. He began to stay out overnight once in awhile or coming in very late, avoiding the day as long as possible. One day I went into his room and smelled his pillows and blankets on his bed and gagged. The old drug smell, like no other smell on earth was back again. He was back on crack. By the time the smell arrived he was out of control again. He had been still giving me rent money and buying food, but he had started to run out of gas at least twice a week.
I stripped his bed and started to pack up his things. I was going to ask him to leave, but he never came back. The school began to call. Where was he? Finals were starting. As the week of his absence progressed, his cat became very ill with pneumonia. I sat up all night with Tigger. In the middle of the night I waded through the snow to my shed to find a box so I could put a rug in the dryer and warmed it up and put him into the box. I thought he was going to die before morning and I would have to put him outside in the cold until the Vet's office opened. The next morning I took him to the vet and made arrangements to have him put to sleep if he did not get better by evening.
I went to Todd’s job, but his car was not there. I waited to see if he would come in late. At lunch I went again thinking maybe he would come then. It was payday. I called his job and he had not been to work for days and had not picked up his check.
Later that day they brought his cat into me and left me alone with him, thinking he was mine and I wanted to be with him before they put him to sleep. I did not. I could not. I ran out of there not even paying them. I went to Scott’s office and made him go back and pay them. I could still hear his cat crying this mournful distressed cry that cats have when they are somewhere they do not want to be. Todd had always said he would be with his cat when they put him to sleep. He wanted him buried in a separate grave with a grave stone. I paid extra to have him buried in a plot where only 4 or 5 cats were buried together, rather than twenty. The rest I could not manage.
I cried as though it were Todd I had lost. I cried for him and for me. Mostly I cried for him. This too, he had missed. This too, he could never retrieve. It would live inside him forever. This knot of pain that he had missed this too. He could not go back and re-do it.
The weeks went by this December month and no one heard from Todd. I tried to talk Scott into believing we should report him missing. He would agree then change his mind then change it again. Then Scott started to see him drive by in his car always going in a direction he could not easily follow. He always saw him in the general area where Scott lived. As though in the throes of drug suicide Todd wanted to be near someone. Then I saw him one day. By the time I got turned around I could not find him. His car window had been broken and a piece of plastic covered it. He was dirty disheveled and bent forward intently over the steering wheel driving very slowly.
At least he was alive. I think he obviously left my home before he got so totally out of control he emptied it out. Another shred of strength and integrity that he could still conjure up in the midst of a total crack-crap journey. I collected these things.
As Christmas neared Scott received a call from Todd. He was in jail about 35 miles out of town. He wanted Scott to get his tools and a few things from his car because it was going to be impounded. Todd had been stopped for a traffic violation and he had a warrant out for him for failing to pay more than a few payments to the courts on his bad check charge in the last 4 years. The judge gave him the choice of going to jail for 4 months and have the checks paid off, or to work it off through community service as well as make payments.
Todd, who 4 years previously had begged to be kept out of jail, was now immune to such trivia in the life of a crack-head. He chose jail. There were 9 people in his cell. All but one was there for crimes related to crack.
The Holidays passed without him. Scott was the only one who visited him once. I have never visited Todd in jail.
We all took a rest for 4 months. He was alive and safe in jail for now. Except we could not help but speculate: Was this the magic answer as society seemed to think and others were sure of? Had he and I avoided this all these years only to find it did the trick where all else had failed?
Scott went to clean out his car and he called me. He 'd found bags of sales receipts and others thrown around in his car from a lot of different stores. We puzzled over this. We knew he had to be doing something to survive on crack alone. But what? He had been picked up for a traffic violation not theft. His body was so saturated with crack that driving had finally become too difficult.
We finally put together the small business enterprise he had devised to survive on his several month long journey. We speculated that he would collect sales receipts from somewhere, the trash or ground. Then steal the item and return it.
At that point my imagination began to work overtime and had he not been stopped on a traffic violation I could see him progressing to bank robbery. I talked to everyone in the court system trying to explain to them that my son was on an accelerating crime binge to get crack. Could they do something or anything? Could they help in getting him in a drug program. Their response was either one of boredom, disinterest, professed ignorance or just plain "no".
I moved on to his Probation Officer who had been in his life since he wrote the bad checks at the time I first found out he was a true crack-head. She was a very ignorant female. I explained, I analyzed, I philosophized, I cried, I begged and pleaded with her to treat Todd as a crack-head whose crimes for crack were going to get worse and to get him into a drug program or prison was close at hand.
She was so bored with the conversation she could have easily yawned. She was unimpressed, sarcastic and cynical, almost non-communicative. She reluctantly admitted she would be appearing in court about Todd shortly and she would 'mention' it to the judge. She doubted the judge would agree with me. I asked her did she want me to come and plead with the judge. She did not.
I also wrote a letter outlining everything we'd talked about and sent it for his file. It seems I was the only one who read it.
Nothing ever came of it. As Todd and his Probation Officer traveled together and Todd got more and more out of control on crimes and crack, I both felt that she treated Todd as though he were a privileged person who deliberately just for the fun of it like some jet set spoiled brat, did crack. To think that someone so privileged also had some special power over crack and could therefore just stop, la-tee-da. Not like her other non-privileged deprived social outcasts, who had long lists of legitimate reasons for their chose of drugs and crime.
In light of the facts, most of her caseload had to be drug related. Yet this woman was not only feeding her own biases as though from some TV soap opera, she could not have been more ignorant of drugs and related crime. At least to me that is how she presented herself.
Even in light of the fact that probation officers may be required to have a bit of an attitude, her attitude was fueled by her own personal fantasies and ignorance. It went way beyond the call of duty.
Todd had called his brother only that once from jail. Eventually he called me to ask me to find out how he could get back in school. Then asked if someone in the family could get him the daily newspaper. He was sitting in the cell all day and had read all the books in the shabby skimpy library. I did. I also sent him a few dollars 2 or 3 times. He budgeted with more discipline than I could have. His Grandmother sent him a small amount of money, as did his brother and sister (reluctantly after much thought). It was a very small amount compared to others there, who were seasoned residents, whose families considered this part of their life operating expenses: Sending along a few hundred dollars plus paying the criminal rates of $2.00 a minute from the only pay phone available for calling out collect. It seems that not only do we punish the criminal but those who are connected by blood.
After he had bought toothpaste and deodorant, Todd spent most of his pitiful little money on food. Everyone gave him whatever vegetables they had and rice when they had it, and he lived on that. He was rail thin when he immerged 4 months later. Many times he traded his paper or money for someone's vegetables and rice. He was promised a job making $7.00 a week, which never materialized. So foraging for reading material and vegetables were his main objectives each day. Both of which certainly must have had a profound effect on his ability to dump the lure of crack when he got out. He sent me the following article he had written for the jail newspaper.
What Re-Hab Means To Me
Rehabilitation comes from a desire, not a need. Without a true desire, it cannot be done. It takes a lot of work. If we would put as much effort into Re-Hab as we do in chasing our "hit", it would be so simple, really. But we don’t. Maybe for awhile at first, then we think we are strong and clean, shit happens. Lies, excuses, relapse. The breakdown of the word rehabilitation is helping me. I hope it can help at least one other person, too.
R- Recognize the problem of your addiction.
E- Eliminate anything or anyone that supports your addiction.
H- Honest. Be honest. Truth heals all lies in time.
A- Accept the fact you cannot control any addiction.
B- Believe in a stronger power, rather than your weakness.
I- Improve working on small simple skills.
L- Like yourself. Be happy with how the mirror looks back at you.
I- Isolate. Better to be alone and positive, than negative in a crowd.
T- Terrorize yourself with thoughts of all the disasters caused by addiction.
A- Attitude. Keep a positive attitude.
T- Talk about being addicted. Hearing thoughts out loud can be therapeutic
I- Introspection. Analyze yourself. Force yourself to achieve goals.
O- Offer help to someone in need. It is amazing how this feels.
N- Never give up, and pray.
Maybe this time was all I would allow myself after reading it. It seemed almost child-like in its simplicity. Crack-heads can be child-like at times. Looking for a cure for crack-heads all by yourself can make you child-like, vulnerable, confused while searching for how to be a good person again.
I did wait anxiously for him to get out. I tried to find some special interim housing he could go into right from jail. There was not any available. He would have to come to my house again.
Scott drove 40 miles to pick him up at midnight so he would not have spend one more night in jail. He slept on my living room floor. My spare bedroom was rented.
The next day he was a whirlwind of energy and organization. Within three days he had gotten housing and a job as a waiter. Within two weeks he was gone. There was no doubt that he had changed and that he had motivation and resolution than he had had in a long time. In the past this had meant success for him in whatever he did.
I thought the hotel was the end of the road, but found there are endless dead ends. Each one worse than the one before. The place he now resides was for people in temporary need of shelter, or so the paper said.
Both male and female were housed here in three floors above a row of business in a decaying area. All one block from a renovated glamorous downtown. A great many of the residents level of seriousness about their life involved around hanging out on the sidewalk and congregating in someone’s room and yelling out the window at people. There may well have been a lot of people there who one never saw because they truly were looking for work and a place to live and locked up in their rooms when they were not. Rent was from zero to whatever you could afford. Todd paid $25.00 a week. You could stay only temporarily, then you had to move on. So a lot of people who considered this their permanent residence, moved out for a few days and then back in making sure their personal possessions were kept at a minimum to accommodate this lifestyle.
The place smelled of unwashed everything or badly washed everything or impossible to wash everything. It was stifling hot in winter and summer was a dark dimly lit cavern teaming with surly hyper bodies whose language had long ago lost trust and hope. At least jail tried to keep up with the sociopaths they knew for sure that they had housed there. Here because you were not in jail. The premise was you were therefore not dangerous, and not having any mental hospitals, we are caring for our mentally ill on the street, and this place was one of the more blatant dumping grounds for those with serious mental problems. These who were not getting gov’t money, a gov’t room or jail or prison.
I did not go up there, ever. I sat across the street and waited until Todd came out, however long it took. My doors locked and car running. Except, one night at midnight.
I called him at work about something, and discovered he had not shown up. The people at work were sure that something terrible must have happened to him if he did not come to work, me too. He had been happy with his job and very dependable. It was too soon for him to fall off the wagon, especially with his present level of motivation and enthusiasm. I did not think of crack. I thought of dead in his room at the place he lived.
All day I became more panicked. I called the emergency room number several times because that was the only way to reach them by phone. No one had seen him. By late evening I was beyond polite inquiry. I called and insisted someone go look in his room. They could not do that unless they got the manager down there to do it. I asked them to knock on his door. While doing this someone said they had seen him that day. Scott refused to go down in that area at midnight, or go into that building and advised me not to.
I told them I was coming down and exactly how I was planning on doing that. There was no parking in front of the building and so I would pull up on the sidewalk and park directly in front of the door. Someone would have to come down and escort me from my car inside the locked building.
The young man waiting for me was shivering patiently. He was polite, sweet and concerned. He also looked very down and out from the main stream of life, with mismatched clothes and uncombed hair. He was very, very large. He unlocked the door and went up into the cavernous darkness to the desk explaining to me that he was the one who had seen Todd go out of the building at suppertime. This would have been several hours after he should have been at work. I was totally mystified and feared the worst, but not crack.
The man on the front desk was engrossed in schoolbooks and TV bored and sleepy. I kept him engaged in conversion hoping to find something about Todd. As I was getting ready to leave, at least convinced that Todd was alive, he had something to say to me. I could tell he had not intended to say it, and he leaned over the counter to talk in a low voice. "I have been on crack. I am trying to get my life together. Todd…well…he may still be messed up, but do not ever give up on him. My mother never gave up on me".
I went down the stairs with my escort thinking I was not a crazy intruder into a world crazier yet, but just another mother of a crack-head. I was stunned. Drugs, again so soon? I kept thinking it was not, though. But what?
Todd did show up at work the next afternoon. He had been hit over the head from behind with a butt of a gun one block from where he lived and his money stolen. He lay on the sidewalk for some time, semi-conscious. No one stopped. When he finally got up, he could not remember anything, least of all work. He wandered around in a daze for several hours. Got on a bus and rode someplace just to get out of the area. He finally went home and lay down. His head ached so he went out to get some pain pills. He became afraid to go back because he was sure the people who hit him lived there also. He did not call anyone or me in the family. He went instead to a motel for the night. Compared to crack, this seemed one of life’s smaller endangerments. He had a large lump on his head for days. I got him to at least call a doctor who told him if his concussion were serious he would have worse symptoms by then.
Todd also has a scar on his lip where someone had crept up on him while he was waiting at a red light, reached inside his open window and hit him with a pen sticking out the end of his hand. What caused it is not important. Why it happened of course is because he was either too high to notice someone creeping up on him or some place he would not be if he were not a crack-head.
Neither time did I point this out to him. By then I knew that crack-heads already know this. It does not always help them stop.
A very dear friend of mine had raised three beautiful intelligent talented boys. One is a crack-head. He was almost shot one night when one of his "buddies" disagreed with something he said and shot at him sitting in a chair across the room. Fortunately the man was too high to aim well and the bullet crossed over his lap and went into the arm of the chair. Another time he tried to break up a fight and was stabbed.
At present he has been off crack for 5 months (1994) and attending a group organization called CA. Here no one is allowed to OD on a continuous story of how bad they were on crack. You can only talk about solutions. Eat your heart out. An AA for crack-heads.
Todd was too afraid to go back to where he lived so he came to my house again. Very soon an older lady who had been working at the restaurant for many years approached him and told him she sometimes rented out one of her rooms. She was retired and did not need to work, but worked as few hours a week just to keep busy.
She told him he could move in. She also knew he was a crack-head. By then so did several people at work. The charge for the room was very, very low. She set to work immediately to mother him. She cooked huge greasy American fare for him, although she knew he was a partial vegetarian. Perhaps she thought it was the lack of meat and potatoes, which caused his crack-crap. She claimed to have a relative with a child who was a crack-head. They had excellent insurance and simply sent them away to be cured. She assured me that she knew how bad crack-heads could be.
The restaurant Todd worked at was quaint Mexican Restaurant with beautiful and unusual d├ęcor inside. It had been a very successful neighborhood restaurant for many many, years. He liked his job and the people he worked with. This had not been true for many years. He made excellent money. We could not help ourselves, we were all very hopeful. Every one of us spent a lot of time with him that summer. My mother came to visit for the summer and we all went out to eat and to the movies almost every weekend. She bought him several articles of clothing.
The months passed from April when he had gotten out of jail and into the last of the summer. He was always where he was supposed to be and he was always available to find. He seemed positive and happy. He started to make friends at work. He talked about going back to school.
I breathed no sigh of relief, gave no shout of victory. I was hopeful but not convinced. He was changed no doubt about it. He was stronger than he had been in years. He had some of the old zest and organization and confidence and resolve he always use to have. I felt that he was near to stopping. He had grown slowly towards it and I felt every step he had taken to get there. But, I was still unsure if this was that one and only never to be forgotten, blessed, jump-off point of no return to crack.