Thursday, November 29, 2007

Crack and

When Todd’s court day came, I went to it. Mostly out of my curiosity, because I had never been to someone's trial. The judge sentenced him to 12 months in jail with no time served (4 months) meant that he was to be in jail 13 months. Todd was able to get into a work release program. His father hired him to sweep floors at his factory. A manager picked him up each morning and I drove him back to jail each night. During that time, we really got to know each other. All we could really do was talk, but we did have some fun. Even took Sue “trick or treating”. A no…no but Todd always found a way to have good time and create memories.

My first experience with crack happened a few weeks after Todd got out of jail. Todd’s dad owns a hot tubs factory, a very fine line, #5 in the industry. A big hot tub show was happening in Atlantic City, NJ. Todd traveled there with his dad followed by a short crack vacation in Florida.

Todd had called me every night while in Atlantic City but when traveled to Florida to visit his grandmother the calls stopped. I knew he was to fly home soon and I had not heard from him so I called his grandma to ask about him and she told me he disappeared. I tried to get information but grandma, was too sad to talk. I thought something terrible happened; little did I know; something terrible did happen. I called his dad and had to hold the phone away from my ear he was so angry at Todd I think he could of killed him. I was very upset I had no idea what was going on. Todd’s dad just said he did it again… I kept asking what? He just screamed in the phone I’m so f**kn sick of it and slammed the phone down. I received a call back from Todd the day he was to fly out and he just said he’ll explain when he got home. My spirit was torn inside, I paced the floor until the minute he finally walked in the door which was several hours after he should of.

Seriously, as I am writing this, trying to recall the incidents seemed impossible. It’s all a blurb in the past. I will share the incidents that I remember. All the in-between stuff really does not matter. What matters is that you understand that I understand what you have been through or are going though. Hopefully by the time you finish reading this book you will find hope that you too can become a survivor. Hopefully you no longer are a victim of crack cocaine, by learning to live in victory over crack cocaine.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Miracles Can Happen...Even with Crackheads

Todd's miracle was a package deal. He did try to help himself and we learned how to help him; many people including a society of people, the counselors bravely walking through wilderness with no road map for crackheads. Pat at Bail Bonds Dept., whose last name I never knew, came into our lives so briefly yet was part of this miracle. I would not want to take one card form the house of cards for fear it would all tumble down. It is hard for me to separate any one part of all the things that helped Todd, and say this is the one that really did it. He traveled a long road with many people to even get miracle status. Perhaps he needed to. But for Todd, after collecting all he had collected on his journey, and taking this journey with all the people he did, his terror of the desire was the greatest obstacle and only GOD could remove that. And HE did.

My daughter said, "You had a lot to do with this. I do not know if it would have happened without you". Why didn't I feel that's true? I would stop and think when she said it, of what specifically did I do that made a difference? I never could pinpoint it. I do think it was not as people think it was. Similar, but not the same. Certainly there were things I did with no motivation other than help or cure Todd. But that could not be sustained for long in the chaotic ups and downs, disappointments and failures of having a crackhead son. What I did was sustain myself. Help myself to get through it. Made myself feel as good as I possibly could to endure it. Had he died, I would have been able to draw on this. As it was it got me through, and in the process helped him. It did not cure him. Only he could do that.

He was not entirely alone, either. Neither was I, because it was a very lonely time for both of us. To death, or to life, I had to take that walk with him, or I could not have lived with it.

AGAPE LOVE? It seems too perfect a feat for me. Maybe a mini Agape Love was achieved-sometimes.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

If I can...You certainly can!

They live in the underworld of the criminal, the hopeless, the ignored, the forgotten, and the lepers of our society. I searched for a link, any link to the warmth of human beings living a normal life, something to keep the memory alive. I welcomed every small and seemingly insignificant opportunity to bring him out of this black hole of life he lived in a as a crack-head and bring him into a brief moment of fresh air.

I never did give him money. Some in the family did at first, but not later.

We all believed there were easy answers. I did not bail him out of jail after the first time. I did not, nor did anyone buy him necessities of life. What little he had came at gift times. However, I must confess, we all over gave to him. And each gift was drenched with tears for a love we had so little opportunity to express.

And it went on for years. Would he make it this time? Next time?

After Todd's many grueling years of being a crack-head, the family would always ask me 'the big question' (like I had the answer) will he make it this time? Because it was I who said I was sure he'd make it one of these times. It was I who said he's starting over again, trying once again, or he's failed again.

I would always answer the same, "I do not know"! And I would count off the good things on my finger for them, like a magic potion.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

It All Sucks When It Comes To Crack

I could mourn the crack addiction. I could pray for it to leave. I could try to contribute to its death. I could pretend it was not here, year after year, or that it might always be here.
Maybe even that death might take it away, as well as my son, or that there is and was a quick and easy answer.

I was there to share another starting over again. There was never any doubt he had to try again. Just as I knew he would make it, maybe this time or maybe next time. How to retrieve his fast dwindling boxes of worldly possessions was always first on my list of 'enabling actions'. In this moment of a zombie-like existence, while entering back into the real world, when only a moment ago deep into hell, he would have let someone saw off any leg of choice, truly believing he did not deserve this added aid to re-enter the world of 'normal'. I knew starting over again required some semblance of material possessions to function at least with a little dignity and being able to have some personal moments to weave the days together. He would sleep on my davenport and go to the mall to sit and wait for me to get out of work. He was not allowed in my house anymore when I was not there.

When he became angry at his bleak life, I reminded him that this was the life of a crackhead. When he sighed that he could not walk through another Michigan winter, I again reminded him this is the walk of a crack-head. I said these without bitterness, and without anger or judgment, just a quiet reminder of the sad facts. I wished I could make it not so. But I did not know how. Only Todd could figure out how for himself.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

It Was So Bad...

It was so bad:
It is embarrassing to even tell myself. The memories now are the kinds that make you put your head in your hands and say in breathy sighs, “Oh my God”.

It was so bad I should have died. The physical abuse to myself was horrendous. The price I pay later in life I truly hope has some grace bestowed upon it.

It was so bad I lost every worldly item one could imagine. I had stuff at one time. A whole bunch of stuff. Lots of stuff. Really good stuff. Lost it all. I guess not really lost, more like willing to pawn, sell or trade for crack.
I lost respect for myself. I hated myself. I would get so angry at screwing up again. I would go to meeting after meeting. I would go in and out of treatment centers. I believed I would never get rid of this crack-crap! I had resigned to a life with this hell. Let me see if I can make some kind of life, and have the “Devil’s Candy”, too. This can’t be done.

The only true meaning to the word can’t is….You CAN”T mix a life and crack-cocaine. CAN’T be done. CAN’T smoke crack and have a life of any substance. CAN’T be done.

What a moron I was to my mother. What a creep I was to my father. What an idiot I was to everyone. What a looser I was to my family. What a complete fool I was in God’s eyes.

It Was So Bad...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Our Girls

To Sue: You too, my lovely daughter, are a crack cocaine survivor. God is good. He allows us to move on and forget some of the bad things we’ve lived through. I love you. I know “Toddy” loved you first. You will always be his first and our first. I am so proud of you.

To Sarah & Staci: You’re both too young to understand, but in time you will. I thank God for both of you and for allowing both your dad and I to be in your lives. God has great plans for both of you and I am privileged to be apart of that.

To those still suffering in the crack cocaine madness:


You may think it is hopeless, but hope anyway. You may think you are losing, but never, never surrender. Believe me you can win this battle. My family is living proof. You can not only win the battle, but together we will win the war! What a sight, an entire army of ex crack addicts and heir battle weary loved ones….a blessed people traveling out of the darkness into the light. Survivors all, moving towards the lives they have fought so hard to live.

This is my survival story……….yours is waiting to be written.

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Difference Between

The difference between night and day, long and short, male and female, jail and treatment, mom and dad, stupid and smart, good and evil, acute stage and chronic stage, Christian and Jew, love and hate, up and down, me and you, Sept. 10th and Sept. 11th, life and death could be so thin, it is not visible to the human eye.
For me just the simple difference between right and wrong explains, and everyone has experiences with these two.
To be truly strong, cross over the line of selfish pride. Be humble before you are humbled. Swallow your pride. Make the first move to reconcile a situation, even though your feelings of you being absolutely right are so strong you do not want to back down. This only blocks looking at a difference. Get past the “who is right” and the “who is wrong”. It becomes unimportant when communications seize to exist. What becomes important is returning to being creating equal and allowing life to flow honestly without snags of bickering, or finger pointing, or the I am right ‘so there’ attitude. Self centered pride brings on total blindness to even knowing when to humble ourselves. The arrogant attitude of being prideful hardens our awareness of the need to be truly humble. Once we think or feel we should only apologize or recognize and if that is all we feel we should do…we will overlook actually seeing the need to feel humility, or the need to be truly humble in certain situations or to a certain person. Instead we pridefully just say “I’m sorry” and go about our business. When what we really need to do is show submissive respect for a difference or for a different point of view, or even respect for the opposite of what you think, even if you feel you are right, but humbly admit your are wrong for not respecting or recognizing that maybe there is no right or wrong, just a difference.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Who and What To Believe?

No decision should be made without knowledge of all the available facts. By examining the facts and looking through eyes of truth, we can conclude that there is some sort of true resolution from this madness. There has to be. What to believe? I can say this; do not believe anything a crack-head says. As long as the contamination is there, there is zero trust regardless of how sweet it seems, and until non-users get it straight on how ‘this’ stuff destroys the soul and spirit, and it could depend on how “you” respond to this stuff and its behavior…as in you could be the person that says the word that penetrates the “bubble”, or could steer them in a new direction that could enlighten one…or could be the one to keep a thin string of the reality of life in the grips of the poor contaminated soul and plant that seed of hope and help nurture it slightly from a loving distance.
My hunger for truth ended up being very difficult to hear and see. It hurt. I can only imagine my hurt was way less than some hurt I caused from my desire to smoke crack. I believe all crack-heads can rid themselves from the power of the lure and uncontrollable urge to smoke crack no matter what happens from smoking crack. I believe every person possessed and addicted to crack can quit. I believe all cocaine addicts can leave it alone forever. I believe if you shoot up cocaine and maybe even mix it with heroin; you too can forever stop poking your skin.

Once you expose the lie it becomes harder to keep it a secret. The secret is when you know the truth and that is what you can believe. I have told you the truth. Now you do know. It can develop into and become just a simple decision to quit. But…not until you have faith in what you do believe, and faith in God, and faith that now you know you do not have to smoke crack, and faith that smoking crack is not what God wants you to be doing with your time; but…most of all have faith in yourself. You can quit forever; that is what to believe.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Guitar Dreams from Devil's Candy by Todd Wm. Gibson

How much joy can I express in printed words that describe the ultimate high in life…to play music that moves the soul and spirit; a life long dream since I was 6 years old. I have had vivid dreams of recording a record or an album (a CD nowadays). The year of 2002 was the year a life long dream was fulfilled. I recorded a CD in my new basement on my home computer recording studio that I am very proud of. The melodies are soothing harmonic melodies. Some originated from right in the midst of the crack despair and hoping to find some peace. Then some emotions from other events surfaced through the guitar while I was messing around and my door to serenity was wide open and I was running through it this time.
When I was 5 years old I saw a guitar in the window of a store called D & C- 5 & 10 store. It costs $4.95. I went home and soon earned the money. My mother brought me to buy it and that was the start. She bought a book that had some pictures of chords and exercises and she showed me how to pluck the top string with a pick and strum down on the rest…pluck-strum strum, it was a C chord or at the time sort of a C chord. I liked it and was on my way to playing guitar. I had lessons and played in a lot of places in life by the time I was 13.

At the age of 29 I smoked crack. Playing guitar was not on life’s list anymore. I pawned my one prize possession in life…my 1958 double cut away Sunburst finish with circle fret marks Gibson ES-330 or 335, I am not positive which number exactly, but it was a dream guitar bought by my parents for my 11th birthday from just a guy going to Vietnam and was so sad to sell it. They bought it for $150. I pawned it for the last time for $75, to smoke crack, and I never was able to get it back. I have nightmares about this. It is a deep regret of mine as far as a thing I wished I really had now that I have actually done a CD. I still cry over this one. Life’s irony. The thought of not having my guitar and the reason why, keeps me humble. Just another bad crack memory.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

God's Touch

There is no doubt that the music that is on my site comes from God's touch. I have played guitar since I was 5 years old. I pawned my prize 1958 Gibson ES 335 double cut away Sunburst finish dotted fret guitar for stupid crack...never getting it back. I now have 4 wionderful guitars...but still to this day have nightmares on letting that guitar go for crack. My mom got me that guitar in 1969 for $125 from a guy going to Vietnam who cried over selling it to go there. I truly hope whoever has it...has the blessing of that guitar. It had such a sweet sound...and now that I have my own music...I do not have my prize guitar. See what crack does...steals everything. My guitars that I do have now have the same blessings from how I got them, the strings I use to the sound I do get from them. I am blessed with wonderful guitars with the horrible and sad memories of giving in to crack by letting my prize guitar go...and just to smoke crack! Now that ought to tell you the power and pull of crack...and...crack cocaine is PISSIN me off!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Why the 75 Day Program?

Where do you start with such a horrible insidious substance? How can I possibly just say words on how to end your madness with crack cocaine and expect that to just happen? Because of the harsh reality of what a stupid punk crackhead I had become, gives me the ability to do just that, give you words to attack crack so you too can conquer crack cocaine and be free forever just like I am. With crack, ya know when ya know.

I nearly lost my soul from smoking crack cocaine. Through that I found incredible power against crack cocaine in writing. I wrote everything down on paper. All my thoughts, food intake and quality, physical accomplishments, cool words that I read, phrases I heard spoken, scriptures I somehow was pointed to, feelings of being a complete and lost crackhead and hating that description of me, some trivial ideas of grandeur for some kind of life for me, names and places of interest, plans for success, charts of my existing life in treatment barracks, fantasies of love and family, stupid idiot behaviors witnessed by me and anything in any category you come up with in a facility that facilitates crackheads. This process lasted 87 days from the 90 day alternative-to-jail-program I happen to be in. I found power in writing words. For some unexplained reason, the power felt like it was going directly against crack. Even then I was not sure how to explain this and was quickly labeled “never to get better for asking questions and stating feelings”. I just had this compelling power being aimed directly at crack cocaine through writing and hope started to manifest. My narrow crack-existence was now opening up. I was writing more and finding the old Todd as God created me. I was experiencing this weird feeling of power over crack cocaine for the first time in my crack-filled life.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Foundation of DVC Ministry

I sat down after Christmas Day and wrote this to my son.

Everyone in the family wants you to know we are here if you need us. This is not just your problem, it is our problem together. We are all experiencing 'the crack crap' as well as the emotional and mental dysfunction it causes.

We do not know everything but we know enough. We do not have the answer or answers. We will constantly seek for them or it. We stumble and falter and briefly give up. But we get back up and begin again.

Our support may seem meaningless to you especially as we travel further along in this and try and choose the support in areas we have learned is not helpful to you. Our support will have to come in your faith that it is there, and it does mean something.

We have made mistakes collectively and individually. We believe in the successes not the failures. Divine intervention needs its place, not just when all else fails, but to believe that there is an answer.

I felt very much alone writing this. I needed to write it. I knew the family in their hearts did feel this way, but had really given up on him. Why then could not I?

I also found George Medzerian' s book. It opened a door inside me that would allow me to continue being a partner in my son's fight with crackcocaine. It gave me a role and function, which made sense. A way I could live with his crack-crap. The new point of view allowed this.

George Medzerian is an adjunct professor at the University of West Florida.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Must Do List

1. Research and Study both our websites: and

2. Listen to Recorded Radio Shows every day: 75 Day Radio Show List Page

3. Join our Freedom Forum and write in it daily: Freedom Forum

4. Follow The Crack Don’ts exactly as described: The Crack Don'ts

5. Believe our 13 Beliefs have the power to conquer crack: 13 Beliefs

6. Purchase our Guaranteed Quit Crack Power Tools: Quit Crack

7. Get your FREE Journal and use it daily: FREE Journals

8. Call us for instructions before a crack episode catastrophe. Contact Us

9. Recruit a Crack Attacking Team: Questions and Answers

10. Listen to Todd's music: Todd's Music

Friday, November 09, 2007

The Crack Monster

Feeling possessed by the crack-bite is the loneliest, darkest, sickest, most ugly gnawing and truly captivating all consuming demonic place to be.

It is not in any religion that an answer can be found. Answers start to formulate when we develop a relationship with printed words of powerful healing truths.

Smoking crack cocaine will devour everything and everybody that is willing to let it. Crack cocaine holds no boundaries. It does not care about your age, your race, or your status and could care less as to what you do and how you live.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Devil's Candy

It is just as it was and will always be just as it is.

It is amazing to me now, that person that I used to
be. I am so thankful that I have an opportunity to
share what has been given to me. I am very blessed
to be alive and able to extend myself through my
truths and experiences to reach out and tell the truth
about crack-cocaine. Everything imaginable to
prevent me from doing this has manifested. Simply
realizing where the “Devil’s Candy” IS coming from,
helps in understanding the spiritual battle over my
soul and spirit. At times it is an onslaught. Like a
wave of evil. Presented in such a sweet form of candy
to the neurotransmitters in one’s brain…

Monday, November 05, 2007

A State of Mind...if you have one left.

Agape Love; unconditional love, a perfect feat of
balance. Not just a state of mind, but a state of doing.
One we often dream of obtaining. One, we can easily
assume we live in naturally. Seems most of us do not
get the opportunity to practice it.
I stumbled unaware into it. At the time I was so
absorbed in the terror and desperation of events,
surrounding my crack-head son. Agape Love as a
motivation or end result was not even on my mind.

Crack-cocaine does take you over and
possess your body, soul and spirit. Crack-cocaine
goes as far as completely possessing and then
destroying your body, mind and spirit.
Giving in to the urges to smoke crack-cocaine is
such a vicious cycle controlled by powers that want
nothing more than to possess and destroy all life,
even by flying planes filled with people into
buildings filled with more people.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Must Be Easier to Smoke Crack than Donig Our Program Exactly

Hmmm...seems our program is too tough.
I have thought about fluffing it up but am not sure exactly what that would mean. Could mean we give in and crackheads are ultimately right. Even though they have never gone without crack for more than at least a year ? probably less... the answers are just flowing, for example: I have been clean again (after a close-killing-binge) for less than 25 days and I get to drive a vehicle. Even though it was stated how difficult it is on the job to be vehicle-less, this was from either boredom or someone not willing to assist in following this program exactly. "Those that do not support how (I) need to do this program must step back"...this means YES we might be bored and alone which again is going against this program.
CONCLUSION: The DVC Minsistry Program works to be free forever from the possession of crack cocaine...BUT it is way too difficult to do.
Hmmm...seems our program is to tough.
The CrackConqueror

Friday, November 02, 2007

75 Days

How the 75 Day Program Works

This program may take more than once to fully detoxify the possession of crack cocaine from your soul.

1. NOT following the rules and instructions exactly as described in this program will directly affect the outcome and results of learning how to squash the crack cocaine urges.

2. Believe crack cocaine is the devils candy and act like it.

3. Understand and accept this is a spiritual battle for your soul.

4. Learn the crack-attacking scriptures, and attack crack with them.

5. Carry the 75 Day Booklet with you at ALL times. No excuse’s not to.

6. Practicing faith and earning trust are essential components in our actions, words, willingness to change and being able to see those results.

7. We expect and accept anything that works to attack crack only.

8. Do not be ashamed or shy about saying the powerful words of healing truths in this booklet loud enough for anyone to hear, including the enemy.

9. Spend more time doing this 75 Day Program a day than thinking, searching, lying, conniving or anything else going towards or about crack cocaine.

10. Do not go ahead. Stay on the day you are on. You may go back to a different day to find power over crack cocaine, but DO NOT GO FORWARD. After the first time through this book, if a second, third or more times are needed, then you can use any day that helps after doing the days in order (like the first time through), then using any other day after for extra power.

11. Get really pissed-off at crack cocaine. Get so angry it will be okay to yell at crack cocaine. Go ahead and yell at crack. Try it and start attacking crack.

12. Commit to God’s word and to this 75 Day Program until you’re free from crack cocaine possession forever. This program will work when you work it. It has never failed me and it will not fail you. You can fail the program but the program will NOT fail you.

13. REMEMBER: Stopping the madness of smoking crack cocaine sometimes gets worse before it gets better. Knowing this helps in how long it will take for you to get serious about finding a life crack-free! The stranglehold from crack cocaine tightens before it loosens, especially now that this journey has begun.

Crack cocaine can be conquered and destroyed forever!

Let your journey begin!

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Day 2

Right at this moment you are away from the madness. Create a file of this feeling in your head and file this reality feeling away for future reference.

The time you are spending starting this journey to better your life is not wasted. Any time spent on crack cocaine in any capacity is wasted. You might be feeling like all this is a waste of time, but it is at this moment not a waste of time. Time spent on crack cocaine wastes so much time and right now you have no way of knowing exactly how much. No more wasting time on crack cocaine.

~ 1 Peter 4:3 ~
For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry.

Quip of the day: Instead of counting your days, make each day count.