"ADDICTS ANONYMOUS:
Recovery From A Broken Will"
January 26, 1997
Cornerstone Community Church
Introduction
A. I am not an alcoholic, nor a drug addict, nor a workaholic, but I know as well as anyone what it means to be an addict. And, no, it's not because I'm addicted to TV or sports or chocolate or electronics stores. I know what it means to be an addict because I am addicted to sin.
B. I wish that weren't so. It's rather embarrassing to have to admit that, being a pastor and all. You even pay me to be good, right, and here I am standing in front of you admitting that I am addicted to thinking wrong thoughts and acting in wrong ways. But what gives me the freedom to admit my addiction is that I know I am in good company. The Bible tells us that all of us are addicted to sin. Even though we know that sin will ultimately do us more harm than good, and even though we know our sin will catch up to us sooner or later, and even though we often don't want to sin, we still sin.
C. And so we are here this morning not just to learn about the problems of "other people," about people who are addicted to alcohol or drugs or sex or work or gambling or food -- we are here to learn how we can all become free from our own addiction, our addiction to sin. In John's Gospel we read these words of Jesus: "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin." (John 8:34) And that "everyone" even includes "religious" people. One of the most religious and most devoted followers of Jesus who ever lived was a man named Paul. Listen to what Paul wrote about his addiction to sin:
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do ... As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me ... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do -- this I keep on doing.
Romans 7:14-19
D. In moments of sober reflection, we would all admit that we know exactly what Paul is talking about. We understand what it means to do something that is wrong even though deep down we really want to do the right thing. We know the frustration of feeling powerless to stop ourselves, to feel powerless to change. We may never have felt powerless to stop drinking, but have felt powerless to stop sinning.
E. But with that said, we must also face the fact that there are many people in our community and in our church who suffer with particular addictions that some of the rest of us don't have, and who likely know far more about the pain of being an addict than I can even imagine. Let me give you just some of the statistics to help us put the problem of addictive behavior into perspective:
- Six million Americans are addicted to cocaine. Americans consume more than 60% of all illegal and addictive drugs in the world. Three billion dollars is spent every year in the U.S. on drug paraphernalia.
- Ten million Americans are addicted to prescription drugs.
- Alcohol is the most widely used drug in America. Two-thirds of the American population drinks on a somewhat regular basis. A tenth of those who drink consume half the alcoholic beverages sold.
- 55 million Americans are addicted to nicotine. Every year 40% of all smokers try to quit. Statistically, most are unsuccessful.
- Between 60 and 80 million Americans are compulsive overeaters. Between 5% and 15% die from their overeating. Americans spend $20 billion every year on weight loss products.
- Eight percent of all women are bulimic (purging themselves by self-induced vomiting); one in every 250 women is anorexic. Ninety-eight percent of women say they would change their looks if they could, and many women have become addicted to plastic surgery.
- As part of the evidence of the sexual addiction of many Americans, consider the fact that 60 million Americans experience sexual abuse by the time they are 18 (one-quarter of the population).
- There are 12 million compulsive gamblers in the U.S. The suicide rate for compulsive gamblers is 20 times the national average.
- An estimated 15 million Americans are addicted to work. These are men and women who become physically ill when they are forced not to work. (This is one I really can't relate to.)
- Finally, it is estimated that every addict directly affects at least ten other people. In a Gallup Poll, 41% said they had suffered physical, psychological or social harm as the result of someone else's drinking.
F. To have an addiction is to be stuck, to be trapped, to be locked in a jail cell with no way out. But that's not the whole picture. According to Jesus, our sin and our addictions may have enslaved and may have locked us up and thrown away the key, but the truth for those of us who know Jesus is that we are locked in a room with open doors.
G. Think about that for a minute. Try to picture being locked in a room with open doors. When I was a kid I became fascinated with Harry Houdini, the greatest escape artist of our time. Houdini could escape from anything. No chains, no sealed boxes, no airtight jail cells could hold him. My favorite story about Harry Houdini is when a small town in England challenged Houdini to try to escape from their jail cell. Houdini boasted he could escape from any jail in the world, and this little English town took the dare. With much fanfare Houdini was shut into the cell while the townspeople and the media waited outside. Most people expected Houdini to make quick work of this challenge; that was certainly Houdini's expectation. But to Houdini's surprise, the door to this little jail cell proved to be harder than usual to crack -- much harder in fact. For an hour Houdini struggled to open the door, with no success. After a brief break, he went back to work. At the end of two hours Houdini was soaked in sweat, utterly exhausted, and -- to his embarrassment -- totally defeated. He could not open this door. In defeat Houdini slumped to the floor and fell against the door -- which to his surprise swung wide open. But the most surprising discovery was still to come. It turned out that Houdini had nothing to do with unlocking that door, because the door had never been locked to begin with. The jailer forgot to lock it. Harry Houdini, the world's greatest escape artist, had been locked in a room with an open door.
H. As addicts, whether we are addicted to some substance or some sin, we are locked in a room with open doors. Jesus has opened the doors for us, and made it possible for us to escape our slavery. But while freedom is possible, it is not automatic, not for any of us. So let's see what we can discover about how to get free from our addictions.
I. The Truth Will Set You Free: Understanding Addictive Behavior
A. Just before Jesus told his listeners that everyone who sins is a slave to sin, he said this: "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:31-32) With that hope in mind, let's spend just a few minutes discovering the truth about addictive behavior.
B. Let me give you a definition of "addiction." An addiction is any self-defeating behavior that a person cannot stop despite its adverse consequences. I've already given you some of the statistics on addictions and some example of addictions, but let's see if we can get a little more sophisticated in our understanding of the problem.
C. First, it is helpful to break down the general problem of addiction into some categories. One way to do that is to note the distinction between substance addictions and process addictions. Substance addictions are addictions to mood-altering substances that are deliberately taken into the body and which almost always create, over time, a physical dependence. I don't have any of those kind of addictions. I don't need to take anything to help me get through the day. As long as I have a gallon of Coke a day, I don't need anything to alter my moods.
D. Process addictions are different. Instead of being addicted to a substance, like caffeine or alcohol or drugs or food, process addictions are addictions to certain behaviors or actions. Gambling and workaholism are just two examples. Another example that might be too close to home for those of us who have grown up in churches is addiction to religion, which is one of the fastest growing addictions in America.
E. Another way of categorizing addictions is to note the distinction between hard addictions and soft addictions. Hard addictions are those addictions we all worry about and we all agree are harmful -- such as addictions to drugs or gambling. The soft addictions are the "socially-sanctioned" addictions, the addictions we sort of wink at and sometimes even laugh about. Workaholism is one of the soft addictions. We almost celebrate workaholism in the Silicon Valley. That's what it takes to get a start-up going -- hard work and long hours to the exclusion of everything else. Here's another soft addiction -- shopaholism. Since I generally hate going shopping, this is another way that's hard for me to relate to, yet on the other hand it really isn't. I've felt the rush of buying something new. I know the intoxication of walking into "The Good Guys" and hearing all these big screen TVs calling me, "Buy me, buy me!" Yet for many people -- male and female -- shopping is an obsession. They buy things they don't need or want because of the rush of buying.
F. So how do we can we tell whether we or someone we love has an addiction? How do we know when they've crossed the line from liking certain substances or behaviors to being addicted to them? And what kind of harm do our addictions cause us? Let me briefly give you five characteristics of addictive behavior and how they impact us.
G. First, addictive behavior is obsessive. When you obsess about something, you invest a great deal of time and emotional energy thinking about your obsession and planning your next "fix." You can't wait to do it again. The thought of not being able to do makes you anxious and panicky. My family will, I'm sure, be glad to tell you about some of my obsessions -- like my obsession with cleaning gutters and vacuuming in straight lines -- but my kids can have their own obsessions. One night Kelsey, our four year old, was pestering me and Brenda for dinner. We were both at our respective desks, and we kept telling her we would have dinner soon. Finally, little Kelsey, who weighs all of 35 pounds with her clothes on, stomped into my office and with a very stern voice announced, "If I don't get something to eat, I'm going to panic!" There you go, one of the signs of an addiction -- panic at the thought of not getting what you want.
H. Second, addictive behavior has negative consequences. A true addiction is harmful to the addict and to the people around him/her. Addictions cause us to live restricted, cramped lives, lives that have little room for people because they are full of our addiction. Addictions limit our capacity to love. Then there are the obvious consequences of addictions -- the destruction of our health, the financial drain, the draining of our energy, the guilt, the destructive things we do to the people around us, including the violence and the abuse of people we love.
I. Third, addictive behavior involves a loss of control. In a true addiction, once you have begun the activity, you find it next to impossible to stop. An alcoholic can't take just one drink; a gambler can't place just one bet; a television addict can't watch just one show.
J. Fourth, there is denial. The addict really believes he/she really is in control. They really believe they can stop anytime. The addict will minimize their problem, he will avoid talking about it, he will blame other people, he will rationalize, he will excuse it, cover it up, and just plain deny that he even does what he does. The experts on addiction, which I am not, are all agreed on this -- Denial is the biggest problem when it comes to overcoming addictions.
K. The fifth characteristic of addictive behavior is what is called tolerance and withdrawal. What this means is that the addict always wants and needs more and more of the substance (or process) in order to feel satisfied. The "high" a person once got from two drinks now takes five drinks. The "high" you once got from making a thousand dollars now takes a lot more, and so you risk more in the stock market or you work longer hours or you do whatever it takes to get more money because you've got to have more money to feel the high again.
L. And at bottom, what is so tragic about our addictions is that they make us less than human. It is not how God designed us to live. I've listed for you the five characteristics of addictive behavior, behavior that makes us less than human. Let me list for you the nine characteristics of a person who is fully human and fully alive, the person who is living life as God designed us to live it. This list comes, in fact, right from God:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Galatians 5:22-23
M. To be fully human and fully alive is to have self-control, to be in control of what you consume, what you think, what you do, and how you treat the people around you. And Jesus tells us that it is possible for us to walk out of the cell of our addiction and through the open door into a life of self-control and joy and peace and goodness if we so choose, that he can give us real help to make a real recovery from our addictions. So how do we do it? How do we who are locked in a room with open doors get free of the addictions that have dehumanized us and threatened to ruin our lives and the lives of the people we love?
II. The Truth Will Set You Free: Getting Real Help For A Real Recovery
A. Let me take you back to Romans 7, that chapter in the Bible where Paul talked about his slavery to sin and his inability to do the good he so much wanted to do. Let me show you how you concludes that chapter of his letter:
I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7:22-25
B. I want you to look closely at that phrase "body of death." Let me tell you what Paul was referring to. That phrase describes a particularly gruesome method of execution used by the Romans in Paul's day. A cadaver would be attached to a condemned person so that the prisoner could not get free from it. The rotting flesh of the carcass would begin to pollute the body of the prisoner. Eventually, the prisoner's own body would become diseased and infected and the prisoner would die a slow, painful death.
C. That, Paul said, is what his addiction to sin was doing to him. And that is what our addictions, including the addiction every one of us has to sin, do to us. Slowly but surely, they kill us. But Paul also discovered the good news that by his death on the cross for our sin and his resurrection from the dead, Jesus had set us free from the body of death. He has cut the cords that bind us to the body of death, he has unlocked the door of our jail cell. And so the first thing all of us who are addicts need to know and to believe is that there is hope. Because of what Jesus did, there is hope we can be free, there is hope we gain regain control of our lives, there is hope we can recover from the havoc and the misery of our addiction, there is hope we can live differently. No matter how far you've fallen, no matter how many years you have been tied to the body of death, no matter how many times you have tried to change and failed, you need to know that there is hope.
D. But as much as I would like to tell you that you can be free of your addiction if you just close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and say "There's no place like home, there's no place like home," the truth is that recovering from a broken will rarely happens overnight. For most of us, recovery is a process, a process of owning up to our addictions and taking responsibility for the hurt we have caused, a process of repenting of our sin and making amends for the damage we've done. And it is a process that only really works when it is done in a community, when it is done with the love and support of other people who can help you a step at a time to walk out the door Jesus has opened.
E. If you have been involved in any kind of recovery group, you know all about the Twelve Step Program. The Twelve Steps were developed by one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson, a doctor who by his own admission was a "drunk." But you may not know that the Twelve Steps are based directly on the Bible. Bill Wilson was a Christian who was inspired and helped in writing the Twelve Steps by his pastor, Rev. Sam Shoemaker, the pastor of Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City. We surely don't have time to talk about each of the Twelve Steps this morning, but let me simply list the basic concepts of the Twelve Steps as summarized by Lyman Coleman:
Step One - Move beyond denial
Step Two - Put our faith in God
Step Three - Repentance
Step Four - Take a moral inventory
Step Five - Admit our wrongs
Step Six - Desire for God to remove our wrongs
Step Seven - Ask God to remove our wrongs
Step Eight - List people we have damaged
Step Nine - Make amends with those we have damaged
Step Ten - Regularly take personal inventory
Step Eleven - Pray, read the Bible, meditate
Step Twelve - Share our experience with others
F. If you are struggling with an addiction, I strongly encourage you to take advantage of the real help that is available to you. There are scores of people who know exactly what you are struggling with and who would love nothing more than to help you begin the journey to wholeness and healing of the Twelve Step Process. We have literature for you in the lobby that you can take with that tells you how to get real help, that lets you know who you can call and where you can go. And you should also know there are many people sitting here this morning who are both qualified and willing to help, if you'll let them.
G. Let me leave you with this one last thought. When Jesus left this earth, his disciples were very scared. They were scared of being alone, they were scared that they would have to do all the things Jesus told them to do on their own, and they weren't sure they could do it. But Jesus didn't leave them alone, and he hasn't left us alone. He sent his Holy Spirit to live in us, to give us the power and the strength and the courage and the will to break free from our addictions. In 2 Timothy 1:7 the Bible says, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." If you are a follower of Jesus, you don't ever need to say, "I just don't have any self-control. I just don't have any discipline." If you are a follower of Jesus, you have the Holy Spirit living in you, and he is a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline. He is your real help for real recovery.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Friday, February 04, 2005
How It Is Without CrackCocaine In My Life
How it is; is nice, very nice, incredibly nice, and phenomenally nice. Life without crack cocaine is life. Outside of death, which is a weird event in itself, nothing could spin me away from the truth I know about crack cocaine. Kind of the same no kidding when one finally gets the God concept! You mean there is a God? No kidding! There is only one. We cannot serve two God’s, so crack’s gotta go. Simple as that.
How it is; is scary and terrifying. Especially since 911. Scary in the evil sense. Terrifying in the you never know sense.
How it is; is I believe even more now that crack cocaine is the devil’s candy. Nothing else has ever worked for me to resist this stuff. As long as it works to resist is all that matters.
How it is; is now I have a wonderful family. I have three beautiful daughters, ages 9,3,and 2. I am happily married to a woman who if she could put up with all that came at her and still want me…there is a God just based on that. I live in a beautiful home in a nice quiet neighborhood and now have healthy financial responsibilities along with being in shock from how good life is now. I just have to keep thinking about all the money spent to smoke crack cocaine...all the money spent…all the money spent…all the money spent…
How it is; is I have been free from crack cocaine for several years. I still work a program. It is my program for me and it works and that is all that matters. I do not go out and party, I do not do much else but go to work about 8½ to 9 hours a day, come home, settle the kids down and get some fun in, eat dinner and do the evening duties and routines that have been established by our family. This works for me. It is only part of my program because “my program” changes to life’s needs, whatever those are at the time of need.
There does come a time when crack cocaine does not dominate your entire mind. It could take some time to get there. It still trickles in little pitiful almost thoughts to try and trip you up, and probably always will. He never knows when he might get one again, but not me.
Just thinking of all the wasted time on smoking crack cocaine is staggering. Now I get the most out of the time a day gives. Today I am not rushed to get more and more and more of anything, especially crack cocaine. Having a new peaceful heart allows me the good fortune of not doing the crack cocaine spin. I am able to keep my balance. Looking back it is hard to come up with why crack cocaine had such a hold on me, except that it is the devil’s candy.
I did not run to alcohol or other drugs to compensate for the loss of crack cocaine. There is no other substance that gripped me like crack cocaine did. In other scenarios where someone should not either drink or maybe do prescription drugs or any other drug is an individual situation. Not all people who fall victim to crack cocaine are alcoholics or addicts. This fact goes completely the opposite direction of the addiction disease treatment plans. A lot of crack-heads are other heads of something…so to say it is just a possession for them is probably one or two steps away from being reality to them in their lives. In some cases or maybe most concerning certain other mood altering substances, zero usage is the way. Most will have to find out for themselves. I will never agree to someone going clean and slurping down just a 6-pack every night, soon to be just a few more…
Now that my life is activated, my wife and myself (had a social life before our last 2 children) have fun. Sometimes we toast with wine, and sometimes we pop a cold one. Most of the time we do neither. We believe in the sanctity of our marriage. We sit out on the deck in our cool back yard and enjoy cooking burgers on the grill while the girls share turns jumping on the trampoline that has a cannot fall through surround attached to it, like a huge play-pen.
When life is about truth, honesty and faith, is when it gets real peaceful. Inwardly peaceful. The outside worldly stuff keeps its usual pace. Family. That one word is what life is all about, in any kingdom. My family, your family, their family, God’s family. All levels. I guess this is the one crack-crap thing that is to me the first clear warning sign that something is definitely wrong. When the family structure decays from crack cocaine, this is the casting of the crew. You are being picked for a performance. By destroying the family, our strength and structure are seriously diminished. This allows the candy to appear so sweet. The instant wow this is so intensely good……and the race is now on. How it is…great.
How it is; is scary and terrifying. Especially since 911. Scary in the evil sense. Terrifying in the you never know sense.
How it is; is I believe even more now that crack cocaine is the devil’s candy. Nothing else has ever worked for me to resist this stuff. As long as it works to resist is all that matters.
How it is; is now I have a wonderful family. I have three beautiful daughters, ages 9,3,and 2. I am happily married to a woman who if she could put up with all that came at her and still want me…there is a God just based on that. I live in a beautiful home in a nice quiet neighborhood and now have healthy financial responsibilities along with being in shock from how good life is now. I just have to keep thinking about all the money spent to smoke crack cocaine...all the money spent…all the money spent…all the money spent…
How it is; is I have been free from crack cocaine for several years. I still work a program. It is my program for me and it works and that is all that matters. I do not go out and party, I do not do much else but go to work about 8½ to 9 hours a day, come home, settle the kids down and get some fun in, eat dinner and do the evening duties and routines that have been established by our family. This works for me. It is only part of my program because “my program” changes to life’s needs, whatever those are at the time of need.
There does come a time when crack cocaine does not dominate your entire mind. It could take some time to get there. It still trickles in little pitiful almost thoughts to try and trip you up, and probably always will. He never knows when he might get one again, but not me.
Just thinking of all the wasted time on smoking crack cocaine is staggering. Now I get the most out of the time a day gives. Today I am not rushed to get more and more and more of anything, especially crack cocaine. Having a new peaceful heart allows me the good fortune of not doing the crack cocaine spin. I am able to keep my balance. Looking back it is hard to come up with why crack cocaine had such a hold on me, except that it is the devil’s candy.
I did not run to alcohol or other drugs to compensate for the loss of crack cocaine. There is no other substance that gripped me like crack cocaine did. In other scenarios where someone should not either drink or maybe do prescription drugs or any other drug is an individual situation. Not all people who fall victim to crack cocaine are alcoholics or addicts. This fact goes completely the opposite direction of the addiction disease treatment plans. A lot of crack-heads are other heads of something…so to say it is just a possession for them is probably one or two steps away from being reality to them in their lives. In some cases or maybe most concerning certain other mood altering substances, zero usage is the way. Most will have to find out for themselves. I will never agree to someone going clean and slurping down just a 6-pack every night, soon to be just a few more…
Now that my life is activated, my wife and myself (had a social life before our last 2 children) have fun. Sometimes we toast with wine, and sometimes we pop a cold one. Most of the time we do neither. We believe in the sanctity of our marriage. We sit out on the deck in our cool back yard and enjoy cooking burgers on the grill while the girls share turns jumping on the trampoline that has a cannot fall through surround attached to it, like a huge play-pen.
When life is about truth, honesty and faith, is when it gets real peaceful. Inwardly peaceful. The outside worldly stuff keeps its usual pace. Family. That one word is what life is all about, in any kingdom. My family, your family, their family, God’s family. All levels. I guess this is the one crack-crap thing that is to me the first clear warning sign that something is definitely wrong. When the family structure decays from crack cocaine, this is the casting of the crew. You are being picked for a performance. By destroying the family, our strength and structure are seriously diminished. This allows the candy to appear so sweet. The instant wow this is so intensely good……and the race is now on. How it is…great.
Saturday, January 29, 2005
A Scriptural Journey...defining CrackCocaine
I find power and relief in the printed word, in both reading and writing, more in the writing than the reading. When my despair was below hitting bottom, I started writing anything that came to mind. I also started reading all I could, especially when the words felt healing. Then to be able to write words that felt healing and then to add playing guitar notes that seemed to blend together and these felt soothing, all this seemed to be what I was supposed to be doing. At the time I had no idea what it all meant but it felt like peaceful spiritual progress was being made in ever so teeny tiny microscopic baby steps…and the positive forces of life were leading me down into new territory and I was very willing to go.
When I describe scriptures and their meaning to me, this is part of how “my program” works for me. When I read scriptures and a meaning jumps out at me, I go with it. Most probably do not go along with a pastoral translation, but as long as words are not added or subtracted or changed then whatever meaning penetrates the evil crack stench bubble, than so be it. If it works then maybe God meant just that meaning for just you to believe and practice. All that really matters is that crack disappears from the face of the earth, and with the power of printed scriptures for us to benefit from, seek and you will find the right meaning for you the user or you the victim.
The first scripture that I read that actually felt real and that it might be true or at least I was desperately hoping could be true was Psalm 34. I was living in a rat and cock-roach infested rooming hotel. Every drug addict, pimp and easy crack babe were no further than 50 feet away at any given moment. After reading Psalm 34 I felt a very slight faint glimmer of possible hope. It was so small you would miss it if your heart was not actually crying out for relief from the madness of smoking crack cocaine. It was years later that I was crack-free. I am hoping in my heart I can save people some time with my truths exposed. Anything could help, a word, a song, a person who has been there and knows the truth. PSALM 34 - “I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. Come, my children, listen, to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; the face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken. Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems his servants; no one who takes refuge in him, will be condemned”. I really wanted what this was saying. I needed to have it or I would die. This only planted a less than mustard seed in my heart. I soon turned my back again and went for the madness of smoking crack. The words in Psalm 34 spoke to my heart daily. I chose to ignore them. The hope was there, but the sweetness of the devil’s candy was overpowering. What a journey this would be.
I sought scriptures that could place some semblance in the madness surrounding my zero life. I had tried everything else, nothing was or seemed to help or work in ridding my soul of this horrible contamination from the devil’s candy. God’s word penetrated the evil crack stench bubble that up until now had been able to block any attempt to be crack-free.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened”. Matthew 7:7-8
*The initiative has to come from oneself. No one else can implement this. No matter how much desire or simply wanting the end stage or magic poof cleanness, none of this will likely happen on our time. Our time is just that-our time. The frustrating part is asking without instant results. In fact with crack the complete opposite seems or actually does occur. The instant I asked from the heart, it still took 3 more years (on my time) to be free completely from crack. Evidently my lessons were not done yet. The door was opened, I just had to hang on and trust God and keep going through that door until it closed behind me.
Jesus said, “What is impossible with men is possible with God”. Luke 18:27
I was around treatment people all 105 of them and being drilled that we are addicts and alcoholics period. Nothing more nothing less. This seemed very phony. I did not relate to this way of thinking. I gave it my best attempt, but just could not convince myself that this is it and that is all it is! I always felt it was a contamination of some sort, unable to identify it but felt it was. It definitely was stronger and more power than a room full of people preaching treatment and meetings and zero about the truth of the spiritual binding element that crack cocaine has, but then maybe they did not know from lack of true experience with the crack-bite and not from some page from a clinical textbook, page 402, section 13. Realizing it IS the devil’s candy allows my faith to overcome this sweetness of deception. It still is a daily spiritual battle; but now because of my faith in God, I have trust in HIS deliverance.
“Daughter your faith has healed you, go in peace and be free from your suffering”.
Mark 5:34
This scripture had me running out a door to get to a safe place. I went to yet another ‘treatment’ place, and it was a very horrifying experience for my soul and spirit. I will not say the name exactly, merely because in case someone is getting the “help” they need to get clean. This place was a “Challenge” especially for teens…I do not want to bury this places policies, but at the time I was there, it was a mess. I was there less than 15 minutes and joined the prayer group in the gym. Within minutes people were falling back on the floor kind of flopping and speaking in what they were calling tongues. The hair on the back of neck was completely standing straight up, stiffly. Some new arrivals came into the room and within minutes a few of them were flopping and speaking in the “hahbah hahbah aahhcktoo hahbah” stuff. Huh? What the heck is all this I asked quite bluntly. I was there to get better and really needed it and really wanted it, and now this phony stuff. I was told that this speaking is the manifestation of the ‘Holy Spirit”. I said yeah and…I was then told if you do not speak like this then you do not have the ‘Holy Spirit’ in you!! HUH? What a mess. I am here less than 30 minutes and this is not good. I was also a vegetarian at the time, and kindly asked for an extra banana or a salad and someone can have my calico beef slice of whatever it was, or they could have my gray hotdog and could I get maybe an extra yogurt or something. I was told quite sternly, when you are here long enough (this was a year program) you WILL eat what we serve or go hungry. This is bad. Real bad! How am I going to make it through this for a year. I went out to the back forty where we could go for walks. I completely broke down. I wanted to get better but this was not the place or program for me to do it. I was hurting so bad. I could not leave. That would be failure and everyone would think I do not want to stop smoking crack. This is a mess. No one would answer my calls and no outside world things were allowed. One day cleaning walls that were not dirty, but had to clean anyway, lunch was ready…hmmm….gray hot dogs, a huge mound of cheetos, 1 green apple and water with no ice. I was loosing it and very, very hungry. I had not eaten very much. I tried to find things to eat but you could not switch food with someone who might like too. I am really hungry. I left the lunch line and ran up to my room that housed 45 men in bunk beds 38 inches apart. I cried as silently as one could. With tears flooding my eyes I read Mark 34:5. I wanted to leave. They would not let me. They brought me into the office and had numerous people pray over me and speak (or whatever it was) in tongues. I was numb from remembering an earlier incident in the gym on a Saturday night about 9:30 PM , when a guy grabbed my shoulders and started squinting and chanting and sweating and shaking kind of jolting me while he did the tongue thing. I threw his hands away and got in his face and asked him what the hell he was doing? He said praying for you. If this is how you pray for me, forget it, I do not need that! All this was too creepy for me. Now I am in this office with these weird people speaking in this tongue garbage, holding me hostage, at least that is how I felt. Finally, four hours later I got my $10 from my personal money and they brought me down to the bus station to get back home, even though I had no home. When I called my family to please pick me up at the bus station, it was, well pretty bad. They thought I left because I did not want to stop using crack…when in reality I left to save my soul and spirit. I felt very weird there, like a spell was being cast on me..?! I know it does not sound right…but my truths have set me free and maybe they can help set someone else possessed free. What an experience.
“but I know you. I know that you do not have the love of God in your hearts”.
John 5:42
Not just lip service, from the heart. This is just a place that we get to from grace, mercy and perseverance. When we fall in love, we have little control over our hearts. We are also more vulnerable to getting our hearts crushed when our hearts are fixed on something and that something lets us down. God will never let you down. When our hearts fall in love with God, our focus becomes content and candy proof. Ask God from the heart to start the journey to being crack-free, and trust it will be done. This does not mean out of desperation from a crisis, this means after a clean period of time from crack, maybe 30 days or so, or better yet just time enough for your soul to neutralize, so acceptance can enter.
“I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism, but accepts men from every nation who fears him and do what is right”.
Acts 10:34-35
No crack-head is left out of God’s grace & mercy. The ‘fallen angel’ loves this lie. I felt that I was left out. I kept thinking ‘I’m a crack-head and will never rid myself of this insidious stuff”. I kept hoping God’s grace will go to whoever fears HIM, and does the right thing; like maybe me? A radio personality states it true when she says, “Now go do the right thing”! How true! God accepts us as from wherever, and HE will deliver our souls from the devil’s candy, when our faith has more space in our head than our desire or even just thoughts of smoking crack cocaine. The fear of God has to outweigh the fear of the consequences of smoking crack cocaine period!
“but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance: perseverance, character; and character, hope”.
Romans 5:3-4
There is that word, hope. Hope I can quit. I am sorry and regret that my lessons from smoking crack cocaine hurt my family, friends, my daughter, my wife. Hopefully from my perseverance to keep trying to find what would work for me, will help balance my life now. Why I am here today is directly from Susan and Camille. My daughter and my wife. There have been a lot of people affected by my crack-crap, my mother stressed herself to help find a way, my sister and I lost a chunk from our seamless brother sister relationship, my father just plain buried me early to avoid the reality that it might truly have happened, my brother stayed neutral and now that is a very good thing because I have a good relationship with my brother instead of loosing a chunk here too, I even exposed my crack cocaine behavior to my 80 year old grandmother and to my uncles family, and I am sure that there are others that have all tried and contributed to helping Todd. With even just a little faith in me I am sure pulled some weight. Prayers do get answered. I prayed right in the middle of the despair pit for a daughter and a woman to marry. Both were given to me. I am blessed to have Susan and Camille in my life. Both are phenomenal women, and I believe sent to answer my prayer.
“You shouldn’t stop giving yourselves to each other except when you both agree to do so. And that should be only to give yourselves time to pray for a while. Then you should come together again. In that way Satan will not tempt you when you can’t control yourselves”.
1 Corinthians 7:5
This is obvious. Life for us now is; Camille deals with the victims, and I deal with the user. We separated ourselves to pray for the madness to stop…we got back together…we are giving of ourselves…it says Satan WILL NOT TEMPT…this IS true…it may not feel like it, but we persevered and have faith…faith is the trigger for releasing God’s awesome power…
When I describe scriptures and their meaning to me, this is part of how “my program” works for me. When I read scriptures and a meaning jumps out at me, I go with it. Most probably do not go along with a pastoral translation, but as long as words are not added or subtracted or changed then whatever meaning penetrates the evil crack stench bubble, than so be it. If it works then maybe God meant just that meaning for just you to believe and practice. All that really matters is that crack disappears from the face of the earth, and with the power of printed scriptures for us to benefit from, seek and you will find the right meaning for you the user or you the victim.
The first scripture that I read that actually felt real and that it might be true or at least I was desperately hoping could be true was Psalm 34. I was living in a rat and cock-roach infested rooming hotel. Every drug addict, pimp and easy crack babe were no further than 50 feet away at any given moment. After reading Psalm 34 I felt a very slight faint glimmer of possible hope. It was so small you would miss it if your heart was not actually crying out for relief from the madness of smoking crack cocaine. It was years later that I was crack-free. I am hoping in my heart I can save people some time with my truths exposed. Anything could help, a word, a song, a person who has been there and knows the truth. PSALM 34 - “I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. Come, my children, listen, to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; the face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken. Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems his servants; no one who takes refuge in him, will be condemned”. I really wanted what this was saying. I needed to have it or I would die. This only planted a less than mustard seed in my heart. I soon turned my back again and went for the madness of smoking crack. The words in Psalm 34 spoke to my heart daily. I chose to ignore them. The hope was there, but the sweetness of the devil’s candy was overpowering. What a journey this would be.
I sought scriptures that could place some semblance in the madness surrounding my zero life. I had tried everything else, nothing was or seemed to help or work in ridding my soul of this horrible contamination from the devil’s candy. God’s word penetrated the evil crack stench bubble that up until now had been able to block any attempt to be crack-free.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened”. Matthew 7:7-8
*The initiative has to come from oneself. No one else can implement this. No matter how much desire or simply wanting the end stage or magic poof cleanness, none of this will likely happen on our time. Our time is just that-our time. The frustrating part is asking without instant results. In fact with crack the complete opposite seems or actually does occur. The instant I asked from the heart, it still took 3 more years (on my time) to be free completely from crack. Evidently my lessons were not done yet. The door was opened, I just had to hang on and trust God and keep going through that door until it closed behind me.
Jesus said, “What is impossible with men is possible with God”. Luke 18:27
I was around treatment people all 105 of them and being drilled that we are addicts and alcoholics period. Nothing more nothing less. This seemed very phony. I did not relate to this way of thinking. I gave it my best attempt, but just could not convince myself that this is it and that is all it is! I always felt it was a contamination of some sort, unable to identify it but felt it was. It definitely was stronger and more power than a room full of people preaching treatment and meetings and zero about the truth of the spiritual binding element that crack cocaine has, but then maybe they did not know from lack of true experience with the crack-bite and not from some page from a clinical textbook, page 402, section 13. Realizing it IS the devil’s candy allows my faith to overcome this sweetness of deception. It still is a daily spiritual battle; but now because of my faith in God, I have trust in HIS deliverance.
“Daughter your faith has healed you, go in peace and be free from your suffering”.
Mark 5:34
This scripture had me running out a door to get to a safe place. I went to yet another ‘treatment’ place, and it was a very horrifying experience for my soul and spirit. I will not say the name exactly, merely because in case someone is getting the “help” they need to get clean. This place was a “Challenge” especially for teens…I do not want to bury this places policies, but at the time I was there, it was a mess. I was there less than 15 minutes and joined the prayer group in the gym. Within minutes people were falling back on the floor kind of flopping and speaking in what they were calling tongues. The hair on the back of neck was completely standing straight up, stiffly. Some new arrivals came into the room and within minutes a few of them were flopping and speaking in the “hahbah hahbah aahhcktoo hahbah” stuff. Huh? What the heck is all this I asked quite bluntly. I was there to get better and really needed it and really wanted it, and now this phony stuff. I was told that this speaking is the manifestation of the ‘Holy Spirit”. I said yeah and…I was then told if you do not speak like this then you do not have the ‘Holy Spirit’ in you!! HUH? What a mess. I am here less than 30 minutes and this is not good. I was also a vegetarian at the time, and kindly asked for an extra banana or a salad and someone can have my calico beef slice of whatever it was, or they could have my gray hotdog and could I get maybe an extra yogurt or something. I was told quite sternly, when you are here long enough (this was a year program) you WILL eat what we serve or go hungry. This is bad. Real bad! How am I going to make it through this for a year. I went out to the back forty where we could go for walks. I completely broke down. I wanted to get better but this was not the place or program for me to do it. I was hurting so bad. I could not leave. That would be failure and everyone would think I do not want to stop smoking crack. This is a mess. No one would answer my calls and no outside world things were allowed. One day cleaning walls that were not dirty, but had to clean anyway, lunch was ready…hmmm….gray hot dogs, a huge mound of cheetos, 1 green apple and water with no ice. I was loosing it and very, very hungry. I had not eaten very much. I tried to find things to eat but you could not switch food with someone who might like too. I am really hungry. I left the lunch line and ran up to my room that housed 45 men in bunk beds 38 inches apart. I cried as silently as one could. With tears flooding my eyes I read Mark 34:5. I wanted to leave. They would not let me. They brought me into the office and had numerous people pray over me and speak (or whatever it was) in tongues. I was numb from remembering an earlier incident in the gym on a Saturday night about 9:30 PM , when a guy grabbed my shoulders and started squinting and chanting and sweating and shaking kind of jolting me while he did the tongue thing. I threw his hands away and got in his face and asked him what the hell he was doing? He said praying for you. If this is how you pray for me, forget it, I do not need that! All this was too creepy for me. Now I am in this office with these weird people speaking in this tongue garbage, holding me hostage, at least that is how I felt. Finally, four hours later I got my $10 from my personal money and they brought me down to the bus station to get back home, even though I had no home. When I called my family to please pick me up at the bus station, it was, well pretty bad. They thought I left because I did not want to stop using crack…when in reality I left to save my soul and spirit. I felt very weird there, like a spell was being cast on me..?! I know it does not sound right…but my truths have set me free and maybe they can help set someone else possessed free. What an experience.
“but I know you. I know that you do not have the love of God in your hearts”.
John 5:42
Not just lip service, from the heart. This is just a place that we get to from grace, mercy and perseverance. When we fall in love, we have little control over our hearts. We are also more vulnerable to getting our hearts crushed when our hearts are fixed on something and that something lets us down. God will never let you down. When our hearts fall in love with God, our focus becomes content and candy proof. Ask God from the heart to start the journey to being crack-free, and trust it will be done. This does not mean out of desperation from a crisis, this means after a clean period of time from crack, maybe 30 days or so, or better yet just time enough for your soul to neutralize, so acceptance can enter.
“I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism, but accepts men from every nation who fears him and do what is right”.
Acts 10:34-35
No crack-head is left out of God’s grace & mercy. The ‘fallen angel’ loves this lie. I felt that I was left out. I kept thinking ‘I’m a crack-head and will never rid myself of this insidious stuff”. I kept hoping God’s grace will go to whoever fears HIM, and does the right thing; like maybe me? A radio personality states it true when she says, “Now go do the right thing”! How true! God accepts us as from wherever, and HE will deliver our souls from the devil’s candy, when our faith has more space in our head than our desire or even just thoughts of smoking crack cocaine. The fear of God has to outweigh the fear of the consequences of smoking crack cocaine period!
“but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance: perseverance, character; and character, hope”.
Romans 5:3-4
There is that word, hope. Hope I can quit. I am sorry and regret that my lessons from smoking crack cocaine hurt my family, friends, my daughter, my wife. Hopefully from my perseverance to keep trying to find what would work for me, will help balance my life now. Why I am here today is directly from Susan and Camille. My daughter and my wife. There have been a lot of people affected by my crack-crap, my mother stressed herself to help find a way, my sister and I lost a chunk from our seamless brother sister relationship, my father just plain buried me early to avoid the reality that it might truly have happened, my brother stayed neutral and now that is a very good thing because I have a good relationship with my brother instead of loosing a chunk here too, I even exposed my crack cocaine behavior to my 80 year old grandmother and to my uncles family, and I am sure that there are others that have all tried and contributed to helping Todd. With even just a little faith in me I am sure pulled some weight. Prayers do get answered. I prayed right in the middle of the despair pit for a daughter and a woman to marry. Both were given to me. I am blessed to have Susan and Camille in my life. Both are phenomenal women, and I believe sent to answer my prayer.
“You shouldn’t stop giving yourselves to each other except when you both agree to do so. And that should be only to give yourselves time to pray for a while. Then you should come together again. In that way Satan will not tempt you when you can’t control yourselves”.
1 Corinthians 7:5
This is obvious. Life for us now is; Camille deals with the victims, and I deal with the user. We separated ourselves to pray for the madness to stop…we got back together…we are giving of ourselves…it says Satan WILL NOT TEMPT…this IS true…it may not feel like it, but we persevered and have faith…faith is the trigger for releasing God’s awesome power…
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Agape Love in 75 Days
There are many ways to stop smoking crack-cocaine. As simple as this seems, it really is true. Crack-cocaine lies. It convinces you that you can have IT and a life, you just have to work it out…again…and again…and again.
This booklet is in a format that without a doubt saved my life. When I was jotting down all these notes, I had no idea it would come to this. As we know GOD has weird ways to get us where HE wants us to be. HIS way works.
It takes 75 days to completely get the spiritual possession (not the secular addiction) of crack-cocaine out. The secular addiction is an on going life long dilemma as long as we buy into we can never completely get rid of an addiction. Well this is not true. This is from our experiences and truths. Clinically it can take about 75 hours. This is not a clinical battle. The spiritual and mind possession can tempt and prod you for quite awhile longer than this format is set up to do. When you do get to the end of the 75 days, the plan and goal is to be exposed to the real truths about crack-cocaine and to have disarmed it to the point that it has started to leave you alone so you can work your program and fight the spiritual battle of your life, for your life. The following pages are set up to be a daily guide. Each day will have one spiritual issue with a scripture of reinforcement. My daughter Sue says we should do these as memory verses. I agree. We also have a quip of the day. There will be more than one spiritual issue per day coming at you, but our focus is on how to accomplish one issue at a time. Each day away from crack-cocaine brings us closer to being completely free from crack. With a true desire and the understanding of where this stuff is really coming from and its only mission to destroy; this understanding and desire will bring you the strength necessary for success. Our measure of success is in our 1st belief and to quote: We believe in each success, not every failure. Success is what you make of it. When contaminated, an hour can be great success.
I do suggest that when a fall, slip, relapse, or picking up again, or whatever term works for you…IMMEDIATELY get back up and go to where you LEFT off…and do it again and again and again until you get it right. Ultimately it goes full circle…and remember…it took me 3 years AFTER I knew what I know now as the truth revealed to my soul as to what this stuff really is…this approach works for me and crack-cocaine will never penetrate me again…this is ONE thing I do know for sure about crack-cocaine… BUT do not worry…I am not too confident…it is just when you do finally get how to do this…it is simple.
from Agape Love by Marilyn Lyon
Todd called me as soon as he was able to tell me the news. Pat the social worker at the Bail Bond Dept. had already called me to tell me she had appeared in court and Todd was definitely going into a Re-Hab Program. Todd and I waited anxiously for an opening to come up. He was euphoric but very nervous and very serious.
He had wished for a long-term residential program for so long and thought it to be hopeless. Now that this had arrived he was terrified that it too would not work. He was terrified that he was hopeless. He was moving neared to that place where crack-heads can not stop and can not live as a crack-head any more.
He finally heard of an opening and was scheduled to move in immediately. He called and gave me a list of things he needed me to buy at the store, and which of his clothes he needed. I had already packed his bag. It had been waiting for weeks. When I arrived with toiletries from the store he had made a list of the cost of each one and totaled them including tax.
"I can get a job and a pass to go to work after I have been here a month. I will pay you back from my first check". And he did.
I visited him every Saturday afternoon for 2 hours. He was both serious and euphoric with energy, zest, confidence and dedication. The old Todd was back. He was very happy and impressed with his caseworker that was on the premises every day. She was able to put what was best for the patient 1st. She gave him many books to read and he devoured each one, taking notes on them! He would bring the book and his notebook to the visiting room when I visited and talked about each one in detail. He even had me get the books I had read from the library and let her read them. Todd was ready to take any program, good or bad into his heart and try and make it work.
He talked non-stop for 2 hours every week. It seems he had lucked out at this facility, which housed people from a large area, even out of state. It involved some serious felony prisoners and all types of substance abuse. Consequently the program was broad and varied. The reading material covered a range of ideas about crack. The lectures were balanced with a variety of types of people with a variety of approaches to various abuses. Meetings were held with a format ranging from AA's to a newer more free-form supportive more positive approach. Todd soon found leaders he admired and identified with. Something that had never happened at meetings he had gone to before.
He was both terrified at the thought of leaving the facilities and impatient to have a life again. He took to heart one of the main aspects of the program, which was whatever is bothering you, whoever is bothering you, however small and insignificant, please, please tell us immediately. Your happiness and peace is very important to us. Your recovery is #1 in our life. We will do anything to help you get there. He became an avid complainer. It always worked. This was his first taste in 6 years of wanting to live his life in a certain way and having control over something that was making this difficult or impossible.
Of all the things he devoured here, that one helped him to take the biggest step. Control over his life control over crack.
While he put everything under a microscope, in every aspect of his life, he began to separate the people around him. Those who were not interested those who were weak and those who 'might' make it. This was another mark off point for him. Seeing himself and seeing those around him just as they really are.
People in the program assured him continually that his recovery was his recovery. Whatever program worked, was the right one. Whatever people helped him, were the right people. He was the free agent here who could design and find exactly what he needed. He was OK. He did not have to fit into an AA program. He could find his own personal program. If someone designated as help, and this person did not say things that had meaning to him, he had the right to reject them and find other people. In spite of this TLC, Todd constantly admired those counselors who also had, a you can not bullshit me, I know all the moves tough and brutally honest, and even a little cynical. He recognized this combination as real tough love.
The counselors did not spend a lot of time on how lethal crack was, or how desperate the life of a crack-head was. Most were pretty well aware of by now. There were those there who did not want to know. The why's were left a lot to the individual to find. The what's were stressed. Not so much here is a list of how to's, but what could work for you. In the midst of a monolithic mortally lethal substance epidemic, with no road maps, were these brave souls-the counselors and addicts were trying to find their way out of the wilderness together. That is what made it work. Together. Crack-heads do not need experts to write out a program in stone. They need people to work with them through this wilderness, pooling resources as if they were a combat unit shedding real tears when one of them did not make it.
I studied his body language. I studied his words. I studied his program and for the first time I was content. I would not hook myself into making stone chiseled proclamations. It would be 9 months out of the program before any of us would say, "I think he is going to make it". But I felt something shift in him. There was new grease in the gears.
He felt it too and there were days when he knew positively that he could do it. And days when he was terrified to be out there alone again. He wanted to leave every day and get restarted on recapturing life again, but he was terrified too. As though some monster from "Alien" was out there looking for any organization of society to eliminate, and it was just him and this slimy grotesque animal to battle it out. He counted the days to his release and clung more tightly to what was around him!
It seemed that no matter how strong he was, how armed, how padded, there was still this terror of this monster out there. Was he really strong enough, armed enough, and padded enough? What was enough? It was the nightmare of all nightmares. It was the creature of all creatures.
It was that his brother Scott who came down every Sunday to pick him up and drop him off at a church. By then Scott believed only GOD could give any real guarantees in Todd's life and none of us cared who gave Todd the key, we just wanted him to have it. We were all dedicated in our own way to try and bring it all into Todd's life, to try.
If you ask Todd what was the key that finally took away that terror that still lurked inside him, even with the Re-Hab Program working miracles in his life, he will tell you he prayed and prayed for GOD to take away the desire for crack. Because this was the terror inside him even with all the tools, the strength and the steps to help him, he was terrified that the desire was still there and might be more powerful.
Until one day he walked out of the church and the desire was gone. He said from that day on, "I never think of crack. I have no thoughts about it and am not interested in it. I have no reason to or no need to ever do it again.
The terror inside him was so great, this miracle to Todd was above and beyond anything else. His need to have; no thoughts or interest or desire for crack, as well as the emotional and intellectual tools and so eliminate the terror of a monster that had gripped his life for 6 years was so important to him that there were no miracles above this one.
I can live with that. Certainly I believe most completely in miracles, and GOD"S power. I also believe GOD helps those who help themselves and who know what to do with that help and who truly needs it. And HE helps those who help others.
Todd's miracle was a package deal. He did try to help himself and we learned how to help him. Many people including a society of people, the counselors bravely walking through wilderness with no road map for crack-heads. Pat at Bail Bonds Dept., whose last name I never knew, came into our lives so briefly yet was part of this miracle. I would not want to take one card form the house of cards for fear it would all tumble down. It is hard for me to separate any one part of all the things that helped Todd, and say this is the one that really did it. He traveled a long road with many people to even get miracle status. Perhaps he needed to. But for Todd, after collecting all he had collected on his journey, and taking this journey with all the people he did, his terror of the desire was the greatest obstacle and only GOD could remove that. And HE did.
My daughter said, "You had a lot to do with this. I do not know if it would have happened without you". Why didn't I feel that's true? I would stop and think when she said it, of what specifically did I do that made a difference? I never could pinpoint it. I do think it was not as people think it was. Similar, but not the same. Certainly there were things I did with no motivation other than help or cure Todd. But that could not be sustained for long in the chaotic ups and downs, disappointments and failures of having a crack-head son. What I did was sustain myself. Help myself to get through it. Made myself feel as good as I possibly could to endure it. Had he died, I would have been able to draw on this. As it was it got me through. And in the process helped him. It did not cure him. Only he could do that.
He was not entirely alone, either. Neither was I, because it was a very lonely time for both of us. To death, or to life, I had to take that walk with him, or I could not have lived with it.
AGAPE LOVE? It seems too perfect a feat for me. Maybe a mini Agape Love was achieved-sometimes.
This booklet is in a format that without a doubt saved my life. When I was jotting down all these notes, I had no idea it would come to this. As we know GOD has weird ways to get us where HE wants us to be. HIS way works.
It takes 75 days to completely get the spiritual possession (not the secular addiction) of crack-cocaine out. The secular addiction is an on going life long dilemma as long as we buy into we can never completely get rid of an addiction. Well this is not true. This is from our experiences and truths. Clinically it can take about 75 hours. This is not a clinical battle. The spiritual and mind possession can tempt and prod you for quite awhile longer than this format is set up to do. When you do get to the end of the 75 days, the plan and goal is to be exposed to the real truths about crack-cocaine and to have disarmed it to the point that it has started to leave you alone so you can work your program and fight the spiritual battle of your life, for your life. The following pages are set up to be a daily guide. Each day will have one spiritual issue with a scripture of reinforcement. My daughter Sue says we should do these as memory verses. I agree. We also have a quip of the day. There will be more than one spiritual issue per day coming at you, but our focus is on how to accomplish one issue at a time. Each day away from crack-cocaine brings us closer to being completely free from crack. With a true desire and the understanding of where this stuff is really coming from and its only mission to destroy; this understanding and desire will bring you the strength necessary for success. Our measure of success is in our 1st belief and to quote: We believe in each success, not every failure. Success is what you make of it. When contaminated, an hour can be great success.
I do suggest that when a fall, slip, relapse, or picking up again, or whatever term works for you…IMMEDIATELY get back up and go to where you LEFT off…and do it again and again and again until you get it right. Ultimately it goes full circle…and remember…it took me 3 years AFTER I knew what I know now as the truth revealed to my soul as to what this stuff really is…this approach works for me and crack-cocaine will never penetrate me again…this is ONE thing I do know for sure about crack-cocaine… BUT do not worry…I am not too confident…it is just when you do finally get how to do this…it is simple.
from Agape Love by Marilyn Lyon
Todd called me as soon as he was able to tell me the news. Pat the social worker at the Bail Bond Dept. had already called me to tell me she had appeared in court and Todd was definitely going into a Re-Hab Program. Todd and I waited anxiously for an opening to come up. He was euphoric but very nervous and very serious.
He had wished for a long-term residential program for so long and thought it to be hopeless. Now that this had arrived he was terrified that it too would not work. He was terrified that he was hopeless. He was moving neared to that place where crack-heads can not stop and can not live as a crack-head any more.
He finally heard of an opening and was scheduled to move in immediately. He called and gave me a list of things he needed me to buy at the store, and which of his clothes he needed. I had already packed his bag. It had been waiting for weeks. When I arrived with toiletries from the store he had made a list of the cost of each one and totaled them including tax.
"I can get a job and a pass to go to work after I have been here a month. I will pay you back from my first check". And he did.
I visited him every Saturday afternoon for 2 hours. He was both serious and euphoric with energy, zest, confidence and dedication. The old Todd was back. He was very happy and impressed with his caseworker that was on the premises every day. She was able to put what was best for the patient 1st. She gave him many books to read and he devoured each one, taking notes on them! He would bring the book and his notebook to the visiting room when I visited and talked about each one in detail. He even had me get the books I had read from the library and let her read them. Todd was ready to take any program, good or bad into his heart and try and make it work.
He talked non-stop for 2 hours every week. It seems he had lucked out at this facility, which housed people from a large area, even out of state. It involved some serious felony prisoners and all types of substance abuse. Consequently the program was broad and varied. The reading material covered a range of ideas about crack. The lectures were balanced with a variety of types of people with a variety of approaches to various abuses. Meetings were held with a format ranging from AA's to a newer more free-form supportive more positive approach. Todd soon found leaders he admired and identified with. Something that had never happened at meetings he had gone to before.
He was both terrified at the thought of leaving the facilities and impatient to have a life again. He took to heart one of the main aspects of the program, which was whatever is bothering you, whoever is bothering you, however small and insignificant, please, please tell us immediately. Your happiness and peace is very important to us. Your recovery is #1 in our life. We will do anything to help you get there. He became an avid complainer. It always worked. This was his first taste in 6 years of wanting to live his life in a certain way and having control over something that was making this difficult or impossible.
Of all the things he devoured here, that one helped him to take the biggest step. Control over his life control over crack.
While he put everything under a microscope, in every aspect of his life, he began to separate the people around him. Those who were not interested those who were weak and those who 'might' make it. This was another mark off point for him. Seeing himself and seeing those around him just as they really are.
People in the program assured him continually that his recovery was his recovery. Whatever program worked, was the right one. Whatever people helped him, were the right people. He was the free agent here who could design and find exactly what he needed. He was OK. He did not have to fit into an AA program. He could find his own personal program. If someone designated as help, and this person did not say things that had meaning to him, he had the right to reject them and find other people. In spite of this TLC, Todd constantly admired those counselors who also had, a you can not bullshit me, I know all the moves tough and brutally honest, and even a little cynical. He recognized this combination as real tough love.
The counselors did not spend a lot of time on how lethal crack was, or how desperate the life of a crack-head was. Most were pretty well aware of by now. There were those there who did not want to know. The why's were left a lot to the individual to find. The what's were stressed. Not so much here is a list of how to's, but what could work for you. In the midst of a monolithic mortally lethal substance epidemic, with no road maps, were these brave souls-the counselors and addicts were trying to find their way out of the wilderness together. That is what made it work. Together. Crack-heads do not need experts to write out a program in stone. They need people to work with them through this wilderness, pooling resources as if they were a combat unit shedding real tears when one of them did not make it.
I studied his body language. I studied his words. I studied his program and for the first time I was content. I would not hook myself into making stone chiseled proclamations. It would be 9 months out of the program before any of us would say, "I think he is going to make it". But I felt something shift in him. There was new grease in the gears.
He felt it too and there were days when he knew positively that he could do it. And days when he was terrified to be out there alone again. He wanted to leave every day and get restarted on recapturing life again, but he was terrified too. As though some monster from "Alien" was out there looking for any organization of society to eliminate, and it was just him and this slimy grotesque animal to battle it out. He counted the days to his release and clung more tightly to what was around him!
It seemed that no matter how strong he was, how armed, how padded, there was still this terror of this monster out there. Was he really strong enough, armed enough, and padded enough? What was enough? It was the nightmare of all nightmares. It was the creature of all creatures.
It was that his brother Scott who came down every Sunday to pick him up and drop him off at a church. By then Scott believed only GOD could give any real guarantees in Todd's life and none of us cared who gave Todd the key, we just wanted him to have it. We were all dedicated in our own way to try and bring it all into Todd's life, to try.
If you ask Todd what was the key that finally took away that terror that still lurked inside him, even with the Re-Hab Program working miracles in his life, he will tell you he prayed and prayed for GOD to take away the desire for crack. Because this was the terror inside him even with all the tools, the strength and the steps to help him, he was terrified that the desire was still there and might be more powerful.
Until one day he walked out of the church and the desire was gone. He said from that day on, "I never think of crack. I have no thoughts about it and am not interested in it. I have no reason to or no need to ever do it again.
The terror inside him was so great, this miracle to Todd was above and beyond anything else. His need to have; no thoughts or interest or desire for crack, as well as the emotional and intellectual tools and so eliminate the terror of a monster that had gripped his life for 6 years was so important to him that there were no miracles above this one.
I can live with that. Certainly I believe most completely in miracles, and GOD"S power. I also believe GOD helps those who help themselves and who know what to do with that help and who truly needs it. And HE helps those who help others.
Todd's miracle was a package deal. He did try to help himself and we learned how to help him. Many people including a society of people, the counselors bravely walking through wilderness with no road map for crack-heads. Pat at Bail Bonds Dept., whose last name I never knew, came into our lives so briefly yet was part of this miracle. I would not want to take one card form the house of cards for fear it would all tumble down. It is hard for me to separate any one part of all the things that helped Todd, and say this is the one that really did it. He traveled a long road with many people to even get miracle status. Perhaps he needed to. But for Todd, after collecting all he had collected on his journey, and taking this journey with all the people he did, his terror of the desire was the greatest obstacle and only GOD could remove that. And HE did.
My daughter said, "You had a lot to do with this. I do not know if it would have happened without you". Why didn't I feel that's true? I would stop and think when she said it, of what specifically did I do that made a difference? I never could pinpoint it. I do think it was not as people think it was. Similar, but not the same. Certainly there were things I did with no motivation other than help or cure Todd. But that could not be sustained for long in the chaotic ups and downs, disappointments and failures of having a crack-head son. What I did was sustain myself. Help myself to get through it. Made myself feel as good as I possibly could to endure it. Had he died, I would have been able to draw on this. As it was it got me through. And in the process helped him. It did not cure him. Only he could do that.
He was not entirely alone, either. Neither was I, because it was a very lonely time for both of us. To death, or to life, I had to take that walk with him, or I could not have lived with it.
AGAPE LOVE? It seems too perfect a feat for me. Maybe a mini Agape Love was achieved-sometimes.
Saturday, January 15, 2005
The House That Crack Built...12 Year Old Article by Kent Dixon
This is a great read describing crackcocaine from the actual user view. Crack is so difficult to describe...and this article is one of the best I have read. Hope you enjoy it as much!
"There's a lot of talk about Crack these days but not much about the house that Crack lives in. So we the inmates of the Clark County Jail will take you on a tour of the Crack House himself.
So come on up here on the porch of this old house, it sure ain't no home. More like Grand Central Station with all the people coming and going. People laughing, people crying, people just hanging out--no matter the temperature. Guy standing on the porch in zero weather hugging his elbows--people wonder what's the matter with him?
Crack cocaine. He sold the coat off his back to the Dopeman for crumbs. Mere crumbs.
He could use that coat indoors: crack houses usually about as cold as they are bare. Electricity and gas . . . luxuries. No electricity equals no stove, no cooking, no TV, no popcorn. No hot tea. No ice tea. (No ice.) No phone ringing. Lots of fast food wrappers laying around or maybe crammed into a box or trash can, not that anyone ever empties it.
The couch sits squat to the floor instead of on its legs, sure sign where the decorator found it, in the dump. Also a table for important items: a glass stem, hollow like a straw, or maybe a metal one--these are your "pipes"--and a full Bic lighter, some empty Bics, a box of Chore Boy steel wool (for filters).
A candle for when the sun's gone and the Bics are empty. Matches for the candle so the Bics aren't wasted. Broken hangers or car antenna for cleaning out the pipes. No clocks, don't need them. Crack time is when's my next hit.
Come on in a little further. There's probably a hall, empty condom package on the floor, and here's a kitchen. The table is bare except for razor crumbs from cutting or shaving the rock, too small to see though though sure enough they'll be somebody down under that table on all fours looking. Maybe two or three of them.
An empty plate, an empty baggy box. An empty refrigerator if there is one. Empty cupboards, empty shelves, it's an empty place. On those occasions where it is somebody's home, it's almost empty and on its way to being trashed, gutted, shot up, busted out, and the occupant maybe beaten, maybe prostituted, maybe evicted--at least one of those, only a matter of time. That's because a crack house is nothing more'n a temporary site with one sole purpose: money.
Money for the dealer, from $100/hour for a little guy, to maybe $400 to $500 when everything is set up just right and all players are behaving. Maybe $1,000 on a good day, maybe $2,500 if you know how to satisfy the choicest clientele. I'm talking hourly now, and conservative. And money for the occupant, too. Don't forget him. Money or something much much better than money. Which is crack, poor fool.
THE PLAYERS
The more crack sales, the hotter the spot and the hotter the spot, the more faces you see, 10 or 15 people milling around at any one time. The hotter the spot, the more risk; the more risk, the more precautions necessary, which leads to the first player:
The Doorman--the one responsible for the door. Who is it? Say it's you. You don't leave your post without consent. After a couple of days you get pretty funky. You're a geeker (hooked smoker) and your wage is crack. And you get plenty extra on the sly, too, as middle man, breaking crumbs off other people's dope. Till you get caught.
So comes a knock and you open your door and your customer comes in. You ask them what they want. They tell you 20. Or 25 or 30 or 40...dollar amounts, a quarter rock ($25) being about this [ ] size and a little thicker, though not always. You take this money and count it and turn around and walk off in back to:
The Dopeboy--the main man, dopeman, the dealer, who does not want to be seen (hence the Doorman). Dopeboys travel in packs, three, four, five or six of them, for fear of being robbed. Each has his own stock--they're just together for security--and they take turns at the crack house, the balance hanging out in a "Safehouse" somewhere, a temporary and quiet abode, in this town usually on the north side in the university area or northwest along the park.
Called dopeboys because that's what they are, on average from 16 to 22 years old. I've seen them as young as 14, and rushers can be in grade school, 11 and 12 year olds. I know this 8 year old running for his folks, which is smart. You think they send an 8 year old to jail?
Back to the man. You, Doorman, hand him, the Dopeboy, the customer's money, and he hands you the dope and back you go to the customer at the door. He examines the product and nine times out of ten he ain't satisfied.
You repeat the routine, and more often than not the Dopeboy will give back the same piece of dope or one smaller, which you return to the customer and he complains. But as negotiations do not appear to be going his way, he takes it.
A frequent variation: Doorman breaks off a little bit on his way back to the customer, like maybe a $5 hit. Customer may or may not notice this little premium. Now if that customer is me--I know what's happening--Doorman hands me that tampered rock I say, No, man, give me back my money if he can't do better than that.
So he steps out of sight, puts back the piece he took off, and brings it back to me. I usually laugh and take it, but there have been times I said no again. Then he has to take it back to the Dopeman broken up. That's where some serious ass-kicking comes in. Hey, I'm smoking, you really think I give a shit after the sonofabitch tries to rip me off?
The Hit Man--a necessary feature. He guards the Dopeboy's back, his 44 magnum never far from reach. You meet that muzzle at the door, you've got no illusions the dopeboys are playing around. Believe me, they're not playing. Shoot first, ask questions later, after they pack up and find another spot. Where it starts up again, and goes on all night, all next day, twenty-four/seven.
The Rushers--the ones who run up to any and every car or even to ordinary people passing by: Hey, you looking? Come on, I'll get you hooked. Usually there's four or five of them, yelling and haggling and just rushing the shit out of the poor customer--he gives his money away just to get them out of his face! They'll rush anyone. I've seen these assholes run up to the wrong car and get cuffs slapped on them--comical as hell. These suckers get a $20 piece for every $100 they take to the Dopeman.
Then we have our Fake Rushers--these MF's are nuts. Somebody cruising, Fake Rusher stops him: Uh, man, I'm rushing for this old dude but he won't serve you but I can get you hooked.
So the Dumb-ass gives the Fake Rusher his money, so he goes in and buys a piece and goes out a different door while Dumb-ass just sits, and then you see him circle the block about a hundred times and all you can do is shake your head and laugh. Funny part is, the s.o.b. fakers never get caught. I call them Free Smokers.
Fleecers--"fleece" is fake crack, wax or soap or anything that can be made to look like crack and also burn like crack--which sizzles and crackles. You get the name there, but you sure don't get high off of fleece.
Fleecers are usually rushers who have built up some trust with their Dopeman, who then will give them say $100 worth of crack and tell him to get back to him, say $70. This is smart because it cuts down on the traffic at the door. It also causes debts, whippings, and sometimes loss of life. Simple fact is, the rusher smokes, so he messes up the dopemen's money by smoking up their dope, the whole $100 dollars worth, so he winds up selling wax or some other counterfeit that looks real but isn't.
It's not too hard to tell--wax tastes like wax and crack like crack. But there are a lot of dummies out there, giving real money for fake crack. A good disguise is novocaine in the fleece; that numbs your lips like the real thing, so you don't know sometimes till you light up and suck good, and wait, and wait some more, and guess what?--you been ganked.
The PFs and PF Whores--PFs stands for personal favors. These crack ladies, forgive me saying so, will do anything they're told for a hit, and what limit is there to a 19 year old dopeboy showing off how sick he can think? If you got a dirty mind, then stretch it as far as you can. They say women are more susceptible in this regard, will let themselves sink lower, but don't fool yourself: a man want crack bad enough, he'll be giving PFs in a wink. Self-respect is one of the first things traded for crack, somewhere in there just before your mother.
When I got out of the joint in '87, my mother put me on her bank account to help me get it together. I got it together alright, I smoked through her whole life savings in about three months. Man in this jail here sold his 11 year old daughter for a hit. You understand now? You get into this thing, nothing else matters eccept the next hit. And you could have a bathtub full of cocaine, too, and you'd be thinking, damn, what if I run out?
Tell you what else, if you're going to try the stuff, the fun is up front. There comes your rush, and that's a little like making love to God with every cell in your body, but then you spend the rest of your life on drugs chasing down that first high. It never gets that good again. Three months in jail gets you back a little bit closer God with Thee, because there ain't much yank in this jail--lucky to get chewing gum--so your tolerance drops back toward normal. But there's always that first time memory taunt-ing you.
MANUFACTURE
We're in some disagreement here on how they get cocaine from the cocoa leaf, but at some point the really big guys--your millionaire French connection types--they start cutting their pure white powder with additives like baby laxative or lidocaine (numbs the lips); baking soda's a common ingredient. This is called "stepping on it." Everybody below this international set, they're also stepping on it so pretty soon it's about quarter strength. They call the pure stuff "400% pure"--you toke in some of that by mistake, you dead. Len Bias dead.
Meanwhile every middleman has doubled his original amount and trebled his money. Tell me another commodity that can do that. It's magical. And then we got our chief executives and CIA's thinking they can manipulate this scene. They're in over their heads up against that crowd, just rich tourists fat for the trussin', while we get slammed and rot in jail. Ain't it the way
So your punk rusher out there gets lucky and lands a quantity of this powder, about 200% pure, and he steps on it. He might freebase with it but that's less popular now because it costs more and it's so strong it's kind of a luxury. It's a whole different market compared with the $5 and $10 sells of crack--we're talking Woolworths now, not Tiffanys. We're talking playground lunch money.
So nouveau dopeboy dissolves his precious snow in ether (because coke does not dissolve in water though most your additives do), and he adds his baking soda (make it set up, solid) and mixes up his little paste in his mayonnaise jar or whatever's handy and then cooks it in a double boiler or right over the flame except that's not always cool because of the ether (ask Richard Pryor), so the method of choice is to nuke it in your microwave for x many minutes until it starts "rocking up."
Bing, you got crack now. You scrape out your little quarter moon shape (the tipped mayo jar), cut it up into chunks, maybe a couple of $50s on down to little dime sizes (not too many: the more $50s you move, the less traffic), and if you're a dopeboy you don't even think to smoke it. They may be young but they're not stupid.
But the ones that are, they set the little rock on top of their little glass dick--another name for pipe or stem, because it gives so much pleasure, and runs the show too--and scorch it with their Bics, it being the fumes from the sizzling crack set on the tip of your upright stem that you inhale. Good idea to put some Brillo or Chore Boy at the bottom of your stemto keep you from sucking a hot piece of dope into your lung.
REAL ESTATE
I tell you something about how you acquire a crack house because that's one of the saddest things, seeing someone take over and just ruinate your house, often as not children involved. So these boys from Detroit or Dayton or New York or where have you, they come into town in their jalopy (inconspicuous) and find a good rusher (with only high paying customers, $50 and up), and it doesn't take him long to find somebody where lots of people are ready to spend their whole welfare and paychecks to statisfy their needs; and they tell him, Hey, you find us a spot and we'll throw you out something. So he's feeling out the real estate before they can even drive off.
So how much can you pay, someone wants to know. "Oh," says the geeker, "tell you what. Let us stay here and see how the flow is. If the spot's hot, we'll negotiate."
And guess whose terms it's on. (The homeowner smokes.) Not long, not long, the Dopeman takes over that house. Starts slow, pay $50/day rent or sometimes $25 cash and a quarter rock. Then they find someone in the group to mess around with the woman whose house it is, and sooner or later her credit runs out and they stop paying and start misusing the place.
They bring in other guys, call you names slap you around, beat you up, have parties, break out the windows, shoot bullets through the walls, no notion of picking up all their garbage, no concern that your kids are now stepping around girls turning tricks for $5 hits--sometimes they make them have sex with every guy in the house for nothing. I saw one dopeboy so lowdown he made a crack whore satisfy his German shepherd. You're on the bottom floor of hell here. Most of these women have babies. Crack is stronger. Lots of times I brought food and gave it to a woman's kids because I felt so bad at seeing their neglect.
HELL
I had a home, a fiancee, and kids, one of them mine, but because of one prior way back when I was 19, I'm being put away. I see my mistake and wish not to make it again, but I am away, 9 to 15, which means 4 or 5 at best and no fiancee waiting for me, not likely--would you wait 5 years, for a crackhead?--just me by myself starting over. It's my fault, but that doesn't make the comeback any easier.
Worse thing is, after all these programs and all my regret, you put that shit in front of me...Crack is hell. Once you've been there and been slammed, and maybe finally get clear, you ain't really clear because there's this other second hell of staying off the shit. Your every thought: How'm I going to stay off, or failing that, how'm I going to get more.
Talking about this has got me down, so I want to tell you a little truth, bring you down a little. You know how they say the ozone holes can't repair--or is it the greenhouse effect, I mix the two up--but I understand it's already a disaster, they just can't tell if the icebergs are going to melt in 50 years or 500, but the tragedy has struck, just a matter of time till we're all eight feet under water.
That's your greenhouse effect. Your crack house effect is the same thing. You see what I'm saying: the war on drugs is over. We lost. You see if I'm not right, 'cept it won't take 500 years to tell about the crack war. It's close to home, right there in your schools. All those new prisons, they're for your kids.
So you're in here with me, you understand? We're both victims. And that's our real story, of you and me and the crackhouse. What's mine is yours, brother. And you can have it.
The inmates' share of the proceeds from publication of this story will be used to fund a documentary video intended to draw community funds for a federal matching grant to build a halfway house in Springfield. The inmates call it the "House that Crack Built."
AFTERWORD BY KENT H. DIXON
"The House that Crack Built" began with a grant from the Lilly Foundation. I was given one course release from my normal teaching load to do some kind of community service, that I, and subsequently my students, could perform. I'd always admired writers who had taught in prisons, and I was told our local jail was safer than prison (it is), so I worked up a creative writing course in the county jail. The course is now run entirely by Wittenberg University students, in partial fulfillment of their community service requirement.
My particular writers were in the jail's "Freedom: Drug and Alcohol Abuse Program." Weekly with each group (men and women separate), I spent a couple hours in the jail's multi-purpose chapel, coaxing them to write in every strategy and genre I could think of--fiction, poetry, drama, family histories, personal narratives, letters of release to Mr. Crack or King Heron.
We talked a lot, the sessions usually resembling a kind of group therapy. But I couldn't keep it all straight--Chore Boys and Dope Boys, geekers and fleecers, gank and yank--so one day I asked them to take me on a tour, on paper, of a crack house, and gradually the material for the article accumulated--written testimony, personal anecdote, question and answer, some of it taped, some even videotaped.
I patched and weaved the whole thing together, drawing from memory and tapes as well as the stack of blue books, unified it in one voice, theirs, and gave that voice a bit more of a singular personality than was possible from the polyphony of different informants and writing styles. When I read it now, I mostly hear one particular inmate, call him Jimmie. He's speaking for, or over, or alongside the maybe 30 other inmates who contributed to the article over the better part of a year.
These days, this approach is no longer acceptable journalism and a bit experimental yet for ethnography. My drug felon with a heart is not only a composite, but a composite in a first-person point of view; so where I made transitions between the inmates' testimonies, or bent a phrase toward a witticism I remembered from group, or just generally burned and dodged and grabbed to constitute my "voice" and its narrative, I'm engaged in a double fudge, two fictions making, I maintain, one general truth.
The new journalism criticism doesn't concern me--every portrait's a composite, of the writer and his subject just for starters. To the anthropologists, I would like to suggest, with Marjory Wolf (A Thrice Told Tale), that compressing "poly-vocality" into one voice is no more or less true than some other mode; it's just another perspective, like field notes on the one hand or fiction on another, sociology on a third--a Vishnu-like truth with eight or ten hands. The inmates were true, collectively, to what they know, but were they always accurate? I'm still skeptical about $2,000 per hour being a "conservative" estimate, and I've never interviewed a dopeboy (that I knew of); but people on the law enforcement side are inclined to believe those figures.
But even if this information isn't accurate, it's at least what those who live this life believe, and that's not just a handful of believers. This document as it now stands was edited, amended, and modified perhaps a dozen times over more than a year, by different generations of "natives" (an inmate's average incarceration is 90 days) who didn't even know the primary authors. It's a generalized portrait that more than a hundred crack addicts, independently, finally felt was accurate".
Read commentary:*Cracking Down by John J. Dilulio, Jr.*Ethnodrama and Reality by Mercer L. Sullivan
Kent Dixon Copyright © 1993 by The American Prospect, Inc. Preferred Citation: Kent Dixon, "The House That Crack Built," The American Prospect vol. 4 no. 14, June 23, 1993
"There's a lot of talk about Crack these days but not much about the house that Crack lives in. So we the inmates of the Clark County Jail will take you on a tour of the Crack House himself.
So come on up here on the porch of this old house, it sure ain't no home. More like Grand Central Station with all the people coming and going. People laughing, people crying, people just hanging out--no matter the temperature. Guy standing on the porch in zero weather hugging his elbows--people wonder what's the matter with him?
Crack cocaine. He sold the coat off his back to the Dopeman for crumbs. Mere crumbs.
He could use that coat indoors: crack houses usually about as cold as they are bare. Electricity and gas . . . luxuries. No electricity equals no stove, no cooking, no TV, no popcorn. No hot tea. No ice tea. (No ice.) No phone ringing. Lots of fast food wrappers laying around or maybe crammed into a box or trash can, not that anyone ever empties it.
The couch sits squat to the floor instead of on its legs, sure sign where the decorator found it, in the dump. Also a table for important items: a glass stem, hollow like a straw, or maybe a metal one--these are your "pipes"--and a full Bic lighter, some empty Bics, a box of Chore Boy steel wool (for filters).
A candle for when the sun's gone and the Bics are empty. Matches for the candle so the Bics aren't wasted. Broken hangers or car antenna for cleaning out the pipes. No clocks, don't need them. Crack time is when's my next hit.
Come on in a little further. There's probably a hall, empty condom package on the floor, and here's a kitchen. The table is bare except for razor crumbs from cutting or shaving the rock, too small to see though though sure enough they'll be somebody down under that table on all fours looking. Maybe two or three of them.
An empty plate, an empty baggy box. An empty refrigerator if there is one. Empty cupboards, empty shelves, it's an empty place. On those occasions where it is somebody's home, it's almost empty and on its way to being trashed, gutted, shot up, busted out, and the occupant maybe beaten, maybe prostituted, maybe evicted--at least one of those, only a matter of time. That's because a crack house is nothing more'n a temporary site with one sole purpose: money.
Money for the dealer, from $100/hour for a little guy, to maybe $400 to $500 when everything is set up just right and all players are behaving. Maybe $1,000 on a good day, maybe $2,500 if you know how to satisfy the choicest clientele. I'm talking hourly now, and conservative. And money for the occupant, too. Don't forget him. Money or something much much better than money. Which is crack, poor fool.
THE PLAYERS
The more crack sales, the hotter the spot and the hotter the spot, the more faces you see, 10 or 15 people milling around at any one time. The hotter the spot, the more risk; the more risk, the more precautions necessary, which leads to the first player:
The Doorman--the one responsible for the door. Who is it? Say it's you. You don't leave your post without consent. After a couple of days you get pretty funky. You're a geeker (hooked smoker) and your wage is crack. And you get plenty extra on the sly, too, as middle man, breaking crumbs off other people's dope. Till you get caught.
So comes a knock and you open your door and your customer comes in. You ask them what they want. They tell you 20. Or 25 or 30 or 40...dollar amounts, a quarter rock ($25) being about this [ ] size and a little thicker, though not always. You take this money and count it and turn around and walk off in back to:
The Dopeboy--the main man, dopeman, the dealer, who does not want to be seen (hence the Doorman). Dopeboys travel in packs, three, four, five or six of them, for fear of being robbed. Each has his own stock--they're just together for security--and they take turns at the crack house, the balance hanging out in a "Safehouse" somewhere, a temporary and quiet abode, in this town usually on the north side in the university area or northwest along the park.
Called dopeboys because that's what they are, on average from 16 to 22 years old. I've seen them as young as 14, and rushers can be in grade school, 11 and 12 year olds. I know this 8 year old running for his folks, which is smart. You think they send an 8 year old to jail?
Back to the man. You, Doorman, hand him, the Dopeboy, the customer's money, and he hands you the dope and back you go to the customer at the door. He examines the product and nine times out of ten he ain't satisfied.
You repeat the routine, and more often than not the Dopeboy will give back the same piece of dope or one smaller, which you return to the customer and he complains. But as negotiations do not appear to be going his way, he takes it.
A frequent variation: Doorman breaks off a little bit on his way back to the customer, like maybe a $5 hit. Customer may or may not notice this little premium. Now if that customer is me--I know what's happening--Doorman hands me that tampered rock I say, No, man, give me back my money if he can't do better than that.
So he steps out of sight, puts back the piece he took off, and brings it back to me. I usually laugh and take it, but there have been times I said no again. Then he has to take it back to the Dopeman broken up. That's where some serious ass-kicking comes in. Hey, I'm smoking, you really think I give a shit after the sonofabitch tries to rip me off?
The Hit Man--a necessary feature. He guards the Dopeboy's back, his 44 magnum never far from reach. You meet that muzzle at the door, you've got no illusions the dopeboys are playing around. Believe me, they're not playing. Shoot first, ask questions later, after they pack up and find another spot. Where it starts up again, and goes on all night, all next day, twenty-four/seven.
The Rushers--the ones who run up to any and every car or even to ordinary people passing by: Hey, you looking? Come on, I'll get you hooked. Usually there's four or five of them, yelling and haggling and just rushing the shit out of the poor customer--he gives his money away just to get them out of his face! They'll rush anyone. I've seen these assholes run up to the wrong car and get cuffs slapped on them--comical as hell. These suckers get a $20 piece for every $100 they take to the Dopeman.
Then we have our Fake Rushers--these MF's are nuts. Somebody cruising, Fake Rusher stops him: Uh, man, I'm rushing for this old dude but he won't serve you but I can get you hooked.
So the Dumb-ass gives the Fake Rusher his money, so he goes in and buys a piece and goes out a different door while Dumb-ass just sits, and then you see him circle the block about a hundred times and all you can do is shake your head and laugh. Funny part is, the s.o.b. fakers never get caught. I call them Free Smokers.
Fleecers--"fleece" is fake crack, wax or soap or anything that can be made to look like crack and also burn like crack--which sizzles and crackles. You get the name there, but you sure don't get high off of fleece.
Fleecers are usually rushers who have built up some trust with their Dopeman, who then will give them say $100 worth of crack and tell him to get back to him, say $70. This is smart because it cuts down on the traffic at the door. It also causes debts, whippings, and sometimes loss of life. Simple fact is, the rusher smokes, so he messes up the dopemen's money by smoking up their dope, the whole $100 dollars worth, so he winds up selling wax or some other counterfeit that looks real but isn't.
It's not too hard to tell--wax tastes like wax and crack like crack. But there are a lot of dummies out there, giving real money for fake crack. A good disguise is novocaine in the fleece; that numbs your lips like the real thing, so you don't know sometimes till you light up and suck good, and wait, and wait some more, and guess what?--you been ganked.
The PFs and PF Whores--PFs stands for personal favors. These crack ladies, forgive me saying so, will do anything they're told for a hit, and what limit is there to a 19 year old dopeboy showing off how sick he can think? If you got a dirty mind, then stretch it as far as you can. They say women are more susceptible in this regard, will let themselves sink lower, but don't fool yourself: a man want crack bad enough, he'll be giving PFs in a wink. Self-respect is one of the first things traded for crack, somewhere in there just before your mother.
When I got out of the joint in '87, my mother put me on her bank account to help me get it together. I got it together alright, I smoked through her whole life savings in about three months. Man in this jail here sold his 11 year old daughter for a hit. You understand now? You get into this thing, nothing else matters eccept the next hit. And you could have a bathtub full of cocaine, too, and you'd be thinking, damn, what if I run out?
Tell you what else, if you're going to try the stuff, the fun is up front. There comes your rush, and that's a little like making love to God with every cell in your body, but then you spend the rest of your life on drugs chasing down that first high. It never gets that good again. Three months in jail gets you back a little bit closer God with Thee, because there ain't much yank in this jail--lucky to get chewing gum--so your tolerance drops back toward normal. But there's always that first time memory taunt-ing you.
MANUFACTURE
We're in some disagreement here on how they get cocaine from the cocoa leaf, but at some point the really big guys--your millionaire French connection types--they start cutting their pure white powder with additives like baby laxative or lidocaine (numbs the lips); baking soda's a common ingredient. This is called "stepping on it." Everybody below this international set, they're also stepping on it so pretty soon it's about quarter strength. They call the pure stuff "400% pure"--you toke in some of that by mistake, you dead. Len Bias dead.
Meanwhile every middleman has doubled his original amount and trebled his money. Tell me another commodity that can do that. It's magical. And then we got our chief executives and CIA's thinking they can manipulate this scene. They're in over their heads up against that crowd, just rich tourists fat for the trussin', while we get slammed and rot in jail. Ain't it the way
So your punk rusher out there gets lucky and lands a quantity of this powder, about 200% pure, and he steps on it. He might freebase with it but that's less popular now because it costs more and it's so strong it's kind of a luxury. It's a whole different market compared with the $5 and $10 sells of crack--we're talking Woolworths now, not Tiffanys. We're talking playground lunch money.
So nouveau dopeboy dissolves his precious snow in ether (because coke does not dissolve in water though most your additives do), and he adds his baking soda (make it set up, solid) and mixes up his little paste in his mayonnaise jar or whatever's handy and then cooks it in a double boiler or right over the flame except that's not always cool because of the ether (ask Richard Pryor), so the method of choice is to nuke it in your microwave for x many minutes until it starts "rocking up."
Bing, you got crack now. You scrape out your little quarter moon shape (the tipped mayo jar), cut it up into chunks, maybe a couple of $50s on down to little dime sizes (not too many: the more $50s you move, the less traffic), and if you're a dopeboy you don't even think to smoke it. They may be young but they're not stupid.
But the ones that are, they set the little rock on top of their little glass dick--another name for pipe or stem, because it gives so much pleasure, and runs the show too--and scorch it with their Bics, it being the fumes from the sizzling crack set on the tip of your upright stem that you inhale. Good idea to put some Brillo or Chore Boy at the bottom of your stemto keep you from sucking a hot piece of dope into your lung.
REAL ESTATE
I tell you something about how you acquire a crack house because that's one of the saddest things, seeing someone take over and just ruinate your house, often as not children involved. So these boys from Detroit or Dayton or New York or where have you, they come into town in their jalopy (inconspicuous) and find a good rusher (with only high paying customers, $50 and up), and it doesn't take him long to find somebody where lots of people are ready to spend their whole welfare and paychecks to statisfy their needs; and they tell him, Hey, you find us a spot and we'll throw you out something. So he's feeling out the real estate before they can even drive off.
So how much can you pay, someone wants to know. "Oh," says the geeker, "tell you what. Let us stay here and see how the flow is. If the spot's hot, we'll negotiate."
And guess whose terms it's on. (The homeowner smokes.) Not long, not long, the Dopeman takes over that house. Starts slow, pay $50/day rent or sometimes $25 cash and a quarter rock. Then they find someone in the group to mess around with the woman whose house it is, and sooner or later her credit runs out and they stop paying and start misusing the place.
They bring in other guys, call you names slap you around, beat you up, have parties, break out the windows, shoot bullets through the walls, no notion of picking up all their garbage, no concern that your kids are now stepping around girls turning tricks for $5 hits--sometimes they make them have sex with every guy in the house for nothing. I saw one dopeboy so lowdown he made a crack whore satisfy his German shepherd. You're on the bottom floor of hell here. Most of these women have babies. Crack is stronger. Lots of times I brought food and gave it to a woman's kids because I felt so bad at seeing their neglect.
HELL
I had a home, a fiancee, and kids, one of them mine, but because of one prior way back when I was 19, I'm being put away. I see my mistake and wish not to make it again, but I am away, 9 to 15, which means 4 or 5 at best and no fiancee waiting for me, not likely--would you wait 5 years, for a crackhead?--just me by myself starting over. It's my fault, but that doesn't make the comeback any easier.
Worse thing is, after all these programs and all my regret, you put that shit in front of me...Crack is hell. Once you've been there and been slammed, and maybe finally get clear, you ain't really clear because there's this other second hell of staying off the shit. Your every thought: How'm I going to stay off, or failing that, how'm I going to get more.
Talking about this has got me down, so I want to tell you a little truth, bring you down a little. You know how they say the ozone holes can't repair--or is it the greenhouse effect, I mix the two up--but I understand it's already a disaster, they just can't tell if the icebergs are going to melt in 50 years or 500, but the tragedy has struck, just a matter of time till we're all eight feet under water.
That's your greenhouse effect. Your crack house effect is the same thing. You see what I'm saying: the war on drugs is over. We lost. You see if I'm not right, 'cept it won't take 500 years to tell about the crack war. It's close to home, right there in your schools. All those new prisons, they're for your kids.
So you're in here with me, you understand? We're both victims. And that's our real story, of you and me and the crackhouse. What's mine is yours, brother. And you can have it.
The inmates' share of the proceeds from publication of this story will be used to fund a documentary video intended to draw community funds for a federal matching grant to build a halfway house in Springfield. The inmates call it the "House that Crack Built."
AFTERWORD BY KENT H. DIXON
"The House that Crack Built" began with a grant from the Lilly Foundation. I was given one course release from my normal teaching load to do some kind of community service, that I, and subsequently my students, could perform. I'd always admired writers who had taught in prisons, and I was told our local jail was safer than prison (it is), so I worked up a creative writing course in the county jail. The course is now run entirely by Wittenberg University students, in partial fulfillment of their community service requirement.
My particular writers were in the jail's "Freedom: Drug and Alcohol Abuse Program." Weekly with each group (men and women separate), I spent a couple hours in the jail's multi-purpose chapel, coaxing them to write in every strategy and genre I could think of--fiction, poetry, drama, family histories, personal narratives, letters of release to Mr. Crack or King Heron.
We talked a lot, the sessions usually resembling a kind of group therapy. But I couldn't keep it all straight--Chore Boys and Dope Boys, geekers and fleecers, gank and yank--so one day I asked them to take me on a tour, on paper, of a crack house, and gradually the material for the article accumulated--written testimony, personal anecdote, question and answer, some of it taped, some even videotaped.
I patched and weaved the whole thing together, drawing from memory and tapes as well as the stack of blue books, unified it in one voice, theirs, and gave that voice a bit more of a singular personality than was possible from the polyphony of different informants and writing styles. When I read it now, I mostly hear one particular inmate, call him Jimmie. He's speaking for, or over, or alongside the maybe 30 other inmates who contributed to the article over the better part of a year.
These days, this approach is no longer acceptable journalism and a bit experimental yet for ethnography. My drug felon with a heart is not only a composite, but a composite in a first-person point of view; so where I made transitions between the inmates' testimonies, or bent a phrase toward a witticism I remembered from group, or just generally burned and dodged and grabbed to constitute my "voice" and its narrative, I'm engaged in a double fudge, two fictions making, I maintain, one general truth.
The new journalism criticism doesn't concern me--every portrait's a composite, of the writer and his subject just for starters. To the anthropologists, I would like to suggest, with Marjory Wolf (A Thrice Told Tale), that compressing "poly-vocality" into one voice is no more or less true than some other mode; it's just another perspective, like field notes on the one hand or fiction on another, sociology on a third--a Vishnu-like truth with eight or ten hands. The inmates were true, collectively, to what they know, but were they always accurate? I'm still skeptical about $2,000 per hour being a "conservative" estimate, and I've never interviewed a dopeboy (that I knew of); but people on the law enforcement side are inclined to believe those figures.
But even if this information isn't accurate, it's at least what those who live this life believe, and that's not just a handful of believers. This document as it now stands was edited, amended, and modified perhaps a dozen times over more than a year, by different generations of "natives" (an inmate's average incarceration is 90 days) who didn't even know the primary authors. It's a generalized portrait that more than a hundred crack addicts, independently, finally felt was accurate".
Read commentary:*Cracking Down by John J. Dilulio, Jr.*Ethnodrama and Reality by Mercer L. Sullivan
Kent Dixon Copyright © 1993 by The American Prospect, Inc. Preferred Citation: Kent Dixon, "The House That Crack Built," The American Prospect vol. 4 no. 14, June 23, 1993
Friday, January 14, 2005
Crack-Head 101
I need money for….
Request: Lunch
Answer: No you don’t here is your sack lunch
Request: Gas
Answer: No you don’t I filled your tank
Request: Cigarettes
Answer: No you don’t here is a pack
Request: I got to pay the dealer back or he’ll kill me
Answer: not if you don’t go back there
CrackCocaine
Request: Lunch
Answer: No you don’t here is your sack lunch
Request: Gas
Answer: No you don’t I filled your tank
Request: Cigarettes
Answer: No you don’t here is a pack
Request: I got to pay the dealer back or he’ll kill me
Answer: not if you don’t go back there
CrackCocaine
Is it the devils candy?
We believe it is.
Here are:
13 Beliefs For Living Life CrackCocaine Free
1. We believe in each success, not every failure.
2. We believe we have made mistakes, collectively and individually.
3. We believe we all experience the “crack-trap” both mentally and emotionally.
4. We believe that when we stumble and falter, we get back up again and again.
5. We believe we do not know everything about crack-cocaine, but we know enough.
6. We believe we do not have the answer or answers, but will constantly seek for them.
7. We believe this is not just your problem because it becomes everyone’s problem.
8. We believe true support will come from faith in a power greater than the evil from crack-cocaine: we shall call this power GOD.
9. We believe a safe residence, having proper clothes to wear and eating decent food does matter.
10. We believe it is ‘my program’ and however ‘my program’ gets me to a crack-cocaine free life, is all ‘my program’ needs to accomplish.
11. We believe once ‘my program’ gets me to a crack-cocaine free life again, we must continue to update ‘my program’ and never believe it is completely over because the devil’s candy bit us once, and now we do know the truth.
12. We believe this journey to living our without crack-cocaine could be the most difficult life long journey we will ever have to travel.
13. We believe divine intervention is there for all of us who were possessed or still are possessed by the devil’s candy and believe faith in GOD triggers the power over crack-cocaine possession.
1. We believe in each success, not every failure.
2. We believe we have made mistakes, collectively and individually.
3. We believe we all experience the “crack-trap” both mentally and emotionally.
4. We believe that when we stumble and falter, we get back up again and again.
5. We believe we do not know everything about crack-cocaine, but we know enough.
6. We believe we do not have the answer or answers, but will constantly seek for them.
7. We believe this is not just your problem because it becomes everyone’s problem.
8. We believe true support will come from faith in a power greater than the evil from crack-cocaine: we shall call this power GOD.
9. We believe a safe residence, having proper clothes to wear and eating decent food does matter.
10. We believe it is ‘my program’ and however ‘my program’ gets me to a crack-cocaine free life, is all ‘my program’ needs to accomplish.
11. We believe once ‘my program’ gets me to a crack-cocaine free life again, we must continue to update ‘my program’ and never believe it is completely over because the devil’s candy bit us once, and now we do know the truth.
12. We believe this journey to living our without crack-cocaine could be the most difficult life long journey we will ever have to travel.
13. We believe divine intervention is there for all of us who were possessed or still are possessed by the devil’s candy and believe faith in GOD triggers the power over crack-cocaine possession.
Nothing gets in the way of crackcocaine once it has possession. Standard treatment does not address the extreme possession that does occur during crackcocaine use. From experiences and truths, we need to be careful if we treat crackcocaine just like any other drug. Crackcocaine does take you over and possess your body, soul and spirit. Crackcocaine goes as far as completely possessing and then destroying your body, mind and spirit.
Giving in to the urges to smoke crackcocaine is such a vicious cycle controlled by powers that want nothing more than to possess and destroy all life, even by flying planes filled with people into buildings filled with more people.
Giving in to the urges to smoke crackcocaine is such a vicious cycle controlled by powers that want nothing more than to possess and destroy all life, even by flying planes filled with people into buildings filled with more people.
The following example (Day 1) is set up to be a daily guide. To use a familiar phrase…we are going to look at this one day at a time. Each day will have one spiritual issue with a scripture to re-enforce along with a quip of the day. There will be more than one spiritual issue per day coming at you, but our focus is on how to accomplish one issue at a time. Each day away from crackcocaine brings us closer to being completely free from crack. With a true desire and the understanding of where this stuff is really coming from and its only mission to destroy; this understanding and desire will bring you the strength necessary for success. Our measure of success is in our 1st belief and to quote: We believe in each success, not every failure. Success is what you make of it. When contaminated, an hour can be great success.
I do suggest that when a fall, slip, relapse, or picking up again, or whatever term works for you…IMMEDIATELY get back up and go to where you LEFT off…and do it again and again and again until you get it right. Ultimately it always goes full circle…and remember…it took me 3 years AFTER I knew what I know now as my truth revealed to my soul as to what this stuff really is…it worked for me and will never penetrate me again…this is ONE thing I do know for sure about crack-cocaine… BUT do not worry…I am not ‘too’ confident…it is just when you do finally get how to do this…it is simple.
I do suggest that when a fall, slip, relapse, or picking up again, or whatever term works for you…IMMEDIATELY get back up and go to where you LEFT off…and do it again and again and again until you get it right. Ultimately it always goes full circle…and remember…it took me 3 years AFTER I knew what I know now as my truth revealed to my soul as to what this stuff really is…it worked for me and will never penetrate me again…this is ONE thing I do know for sure about crack-cocaine… BUT do not worry…I am not ‘too’ confident…it is just when you do finally get how to do this…it is simple.
DAY
1
This day is the beginning of changing your current life. This is just the beginning.
RELAX.
Close your eyes and gently visualize the opposite of the madness that got you to try this method. Find the relax mode inside yourself. Breathe deep and slow and on one time of doing this hold it in for10 long seconds and force yourself to let it out VERY slow. Repeat this as often as necessary to keep as relaxed as possible under the circumstances.
~1 Corinthians 3:1,2~
1
This day is the beginning of changing your current life. This is just the beginning.
RELAX.
Close your eyes and gently visualize the opposite of the madness that got you to try this method. Find the relax mode inside yourself. Breathe deep and slow and on one time of doing this hold it in for10 long seconds and force yourself to let it out VERY slow. Repeat this as often as necessary to keep as relaxed as possible under the circumstances.
~1 Corinthians 3:1,2~
And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ. 2 I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able.
Quip of the day: Dear GOD, please help me become the person my dog thinks I am.
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..there was a crack in my life, crackcocaine that is. www.crackcocainerecovery.com
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Crack: Treating Cocaine Addiction...by George Medzerian PH.D. Treatment programs have attempted to deal with this, not expanding the cookie cutter to include users and abusers, but by trying to classify all clients as if they are latter-stage alcohol addicts, using standard treatment methods developed for this group. This has not worked well. Now the field faces a need to develop alternative strategies to work with diverse types of addicts and to go beyond the generic treatment methods used with classic gamma alcoholics. It is time to face the challenge of treating the crack addict...the person, not the addiction. A clients total abstinence from drugs does not necessarily mean that the chemical dependency treatment has been successful. Successful recovery involves adequate functioning in daily life. Abstinence is a precursor to functionality, not a substitute for it. Don't impose a treatment on the client. Offer a choice of options. This gives the client a sense of control, even while under direction. Practice and believe in empathy. It is still the leading factor in productive therapeutic relationships. Not long ago, a film entitled "Disease Concept of Alcoholism" was routinely shown in treatment programs in the United States. In this film, a strong argument for the disease concept was presented by a physician who alluded to biochemical research on alcoholism. It was claimed that the brain of an alcoholic is different from that of a nonalcoholic. The alcoholic brain allegedly generates THIQs, which increase a person's compulsion to drink beverage alcohol. Even rats who hate to have a drink will crave booze when injected with these THIQs and THQs, by-products of alcohol metabolism. A frequent interpretation of this film by counselors is that it proves that the etiology of alcoholism is strictly biochemical, hence, is an uncontrollable disease in which the victim or society plays no role in development. This can be a counterproductive assumption because it minimizes the interactive social, cultural, psychological and developmental factors that contribute to the prevalence of a disease. My optimism for controlling this addiction may seem to contradict the Twelve-Step program belief that crack addicts are powerless over crack and alcoholics are powerless over alcohol. It does not conflict. Crack addicts are powerful over crack, but not their addiction to crack. By controlling their drugging, by learned abstinence, the addicts do have power over the addiction. This is the Twelve-Step approach, a Zen paradox: The best way to become strong over crack addiction is to allow yourself to be weak. The best way to become addiction free is to allow yourself to be an addict.
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..there was a crack in my life, crackcocaine that is. www.crackcocainerecovery.com
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Agape Love by Marilyn R. Lyon I baked cakes, cookies and fudge and left them on the dinning room table as if Better Homes and Garden were coming over for dinner. I actually thought that maybe from the sight of them might trigger some inner desire for the good life and this crack-crap would disappear. Like a testimony to us. Or a reminder we are just normal people here. We are OK people. I moved through my day job behind a wall. I no longer felt connected to the world. Or at the very least, felt that if I were to get connected I would first need to confess. And I began to. From day one I felt it was my failure not his. So I tried not to say it out loud for a long time. By then it became a way of life. How could I not say it? I have a crack-head son and I have become addicted too! I struck out angrily against the smallest injustice on my part time job. I had endless heated emotional discussions on the most controversial subjects on every break. I joined two writer's groups and forced myself out the door three times a month. I was vehemently critical of those who wrote stuff about isn't life just too wonderfully simple for everyone. At Christmas that year I ate peanut-butter sandwiches and soup for a month so I could over-buy for Todd. I cooked three ducks for Christmas dinner which required days of hanging and basting with two different sauces while doing separate rubs and basting while cooking. My other son Scott took us out as a surprise one evening and bought the largest and most expensive tree in the store. I put up lights everywhere in the house. I made satin ribbons for the tree and bought color-coordinated decorations. See, we are just like Family Circle. I got his two guitars out of the pawnshop, with his money I was keeping. Some other guitars too much was owed on to get out of hock. The one I prized was an electric Gibson that I had purchased when he was only eight years old and already showing a lot of ability as a musician. It was now a collector's item. Todd emerged from his room Christmas morning scrubbed, perfumed, best dressed and full of loud happy spirits as everyone was arriving. I invited a female friend of many years to the family and her children over for Christmas weekend. He sat pale and quiet in a rocking chair all day, responding with restrained sadness, but a tinge of warmth when spoken to. Everyone was having a great time around him. We were all having a great time for Todd. I could have cast him in bronze sitting there, and it would not have changed anything. It did not change anything this Christmas day. I do not think I was angry or bitter that such surface things did not make everything better. In my heart I knew it was for me that I did it for. Busy work for me, grounding for me. There was so little I could do that I was not already doing. None of which was producing magic. I was looking for that old Todd. But he did not appear that long fall and winter. We were on a mad schedule of meetings and the brief trip into the land of experts on crack-heads and still no Todd. The family floated in and out looking somewhat stunned and inept. I often called on them. Do something. Talk to him! But I could see they were floundering in ignorance as much as I. My oldest son Scott felt he should be Todd's friend during this period of my hard tough love. I wanted him to be angrier, more insistent, more threatening, more everything.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
E-Mails, letters and real dialog about the DevilsCandy
...When you read these remember that when you follow the program it works. When you think you can do whatever you want, the program will not work. Ultimately it is YOUR program, and YOUR program needs to work for YOU and ONLY YOU. When it does work for YOU, then it works for ALL those around YOU trying and wanting crackcocaine to disappear. We continue to suggest that no "other" substances be used while breaking free from the strangle-hold crack has you. This does not mean these current life patterns will be forever....they might be...but it does become YOUR decision as to how YOU will live YOUR life crackfree. For some, once the crack is gone from their soul and spirit, they live a fulfilling life with a social element that may include dinning with wine, or celebrating with spouses, or just plain having a beer with the boys during the SuperBowl or after the company softball game. This is in no way an endorsement for any drinking or drugging, it is just a way of saying YOU can have YOUR life back and have it to a point that YOU can make decisions that will be in-line with YOUR program for living YOUR life free from crackcocaine and make RATIONAL decisions based on YOUR crackfree life not based on the fear of either "relapsing" or never being free from the grip that crackcocaine gets on YOU.
#1...Hi Camille and Todd! First and foremost, I want to say thank you for all your help. Barry and I went through the 75 days successfully. Things were great! Barry and I started new hobbies. 1 in particular was going to the gym. It helped get through staying clean. He committed himself and stuck to all the rules.
After it was over, he decided he was going to celebrate his birthday. Sadly with booze and weed. Sigh.... I couldn't do much about that. So, now I'm scared it's going to start all over again. A week went by and after searching for jobs, he found one. Yeah, good right? Well, the environment there was, well, not favorable for him to stay clean and sober. They treated him to lunch and gave him money. So off he went to buy booze and weed again. We discussed that he was going to have to quit. Today he was to go there and resign, which he did (I scouted his E-Mail). Unfortunately they have probably paid him out and my guess is he won't be coming home tonight. I ordered the Devils candy Book and it will be here soon.
This is tough because after he few slips, he is seriously contemplating moving away. If he does, it's probably for the best because it will be because he still wants to party. There is no other reason for me to fathom. He also does not want to put us through any more headaches. My friend has denied me her place to escape to when he's wasted and that's probably for the best too. I don't know what when or how, but that's what's happening now. I can't help but think this will happen again. It's hard for me to keep tabs on his comings and goings because of my responsibilities with work and my daughter. I'm not going to always be able to prevent him from slipping and I know it. I'm really just fed up with it all and don't want to deal with it anymore. He doesn't want me to be his "mother" nor do I want to be. I just can't believe after things went so well that he would go back to his addictions so easily. I'm sad for him. I love him and want him to be well. Not much else to say. This might be the end of the line. But, most of us say that and keep going through it. I'm trying to be strong, but my daughter is tired of seeing him drunk and messed up too. Today she asked if we have to go home after I picked her up. She was worried and it made me really really upset to hear how it's affected her. I have to seriously look into counseling for us and will do so weather he stays and continues to clean up again or leaves. It's so much to bear. I don't know how you held it all together Camille. You have so much more responsibility with 3 kids and a home. I admire your strength. Anyways, I'll go now. I just wanted to update you guys. Take care. Hope all is well and will talk to you soon.
Love, Savoia (Savoy...lol, that's for you Todd)
#2...Todd,
In the quest to conquer cocaine addiction, is it ok for a crack addict to
drink? My boyfriend who is trying to conquer crack addiction seems to think
anytime he chooses since he is 45 years old is ok, he didn't hurt anyone or
anything. He just gave me a check the other day he cashed last week of $750
because he had cashed it and had temptations. He still holds the atm card
and has access to his money, because he doesn't want to be controlled. I so
much long to help, but am very hurt tonight because he gets upset everytime
I question him when he decides to drink. I am seriously considering giving
up on this relationship of three years. I have waited two years for him to
stop and even tells me how he can't drink when I'm not here and how he
messed up over the last month almost every weekend for a month. I was gone
to Florida with a job, and he used every Saturday night or Sunday evening.
Made it to work everytime he did it on a Sunday evening, but does that make
it ok, does that mean he is getting better?
Any advice would help!
Thank you,
Vivian
#3...Hi Camille, I have a question Hope u or Todd can answer for me, can someone on crack change drug- like go to snorting crank or cocaine and get the same effect, or will they still have to seak out crack because of the buzz? Please Reply, Just Curious, Karen Zepeda
#4... Just a note to let you know that your Web Site is very much appreciated.
My financee is determined to get away from his demons. I have been researching and came across your site. While I already knew a lot of the information you had, your site has reinforced what I am going to have to do.
Thank you so much!
Betty Ensor Thomas
#5...Camille,
Tell Todd I said, he's awesome.
I really appreciated his program last night.
He said some things last night that I needed to hear.
I guess my love for Ben has sometimes clouded over in my mind his addiction to crack.
I have an email out to his lawyer, and I'm trying to get the facts of his case and the charges up against him.
I suppose Hope told you about Stone Hawk.
Unless the State of Tennesee decides to pay for it, I won't be sending him there.
If you or Todd know of any program that can be suggested, let me know.
I'm not gonna do anything but point the DA or Judge to the fact my son has a problem and needs help.
I'm not gonna hand carry Ben, he needs to step out on his own where this is concerned.
Love you guys and thanks for everything.
As soon as I can get some things settled financially, I want that CD Todd played last night. It was great. Maybe someday he and I can jam together. I'm a drummer. I love jazz.
Tom
THE FOLLOWING EMAIL IS A WEIRD ONE...FIRST HE IS SCREAMING FOR HELP, NEXT HE CLAIMS HIS LIFE IS IN DANGER IF WE HELP OR WRITE HIM BACK...OF COURSE I DID WRITE HIM BACK...I TRULY HOPE HE IS OK..AND WHEN HE REALLY NEEDS HELP...WE WILL BE HERE WAITING FOR HIS RETURN. CRACK IS CRACK...SAD BUT TRUE!
#6...From: steven cherry Sent: Tuesday, October 19, 2004 11:14 AMTo: todd@devilscandy.comSubject: I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
my name is steve.i am addicted to crack real bad.i don't need to go into all the things i've done to get high.but lately i just get high when i get paid. yes i still have a job.when i don't have any money i won't get high probally because i dont want to go back to jail.this is why this thing is driving me so crazy.if there is anything you can tell me to help please help me! please!
RESPONSE: Todd Gibsonwrote:
Hello this is todd,
Sorry I took so long to replya little more info will help us formulate a plan 4 u 2 start your journey
How long
Married
What HAS worked
Any jail or treatment
Do u no safe people
Where are u located
What I CAN tell you is crack can be conquered and u can be free forever from the possession of crackis it easy NOis it possible YES
Have u looked thru our web sites http://www.devilscandy.com/ and http://www.crackcocainerecovery.com/ u need to go ALL the way thru them...then we have common ground to start at...hope is here now BUT I do need more info to help u...ALSO we do a live radio show on Thursday night 930pm eastern time zone...come listen and start the journey...PEACE...Todd
AND THEN HIS RESPONSE: From: steven cherry Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:15 AMTo: todd@devilscandy.comSubject: RE: I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
No longer need your help. Please don't write me again my life depends on it. I swear-DON'T EVER WRITE OR CONTACT ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!
HERE WE HAVE AN INTERESTING ONE....WANTS TO STOP SMOKING CRACKCOCAINE WITHOUT THE POWER OF GOD OVER CRACKCOCAINE....GOOD LUCK!!
#7...From: Duke Swan
Sent: Wednesday, October 27, 2004 3:02 AM
To: todd@devilscandy.com
Subject: but im an atheist todd
wtf i dont believe in god i dont accept god but i want to quit using
THIS ONE IS FROM SOMEONE WE HAVE NOT HEARD FROM IN 8 WEEKS AS OF 1-6-05...THE LAST CONVERSATION I HAD WITH HIM WAS WHEN HE TOLD ME HE WENT TO THE STORE FOR "A PACK OF MATCHES" TO LIGHT HIS CIGARETTES BECAUSE HIS WIFE WOULD KILL HIM IF HE LIT THEM ON THE STOVE....ONCE HE ARRIVED AT THE STORE-HE "RAN" INTO A PUNK CRACKDEALER WHO HE OWED $800 OR SO HE SAID AND THAT IF HE DID NOT GIVE THE PUNK CRACKDEALER HIS CAR...HE WOULD GET BEAT UP REAL BAD AND HE HAS BEEN BEAT UP REAL BAD BEFORE AND DID NOT WANT TO HAVE THAT HAPPEN. I CALLED HIM ON HIS "STORY" WHICH WAS BULL...AND HAVE NOT HEARD FROM HIM SINCE! HOPE YOU ARE OK...WILLIAM. CRACK IS CRACK...SAD BUT TRUE! THE CRACKLIES AT THEIR BEST!!
#8...Hey Todd, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you and your willingness to share your experiences. I received the CDs and am truly grateful. My mother brought your books down to me this weekend and with them reality is starting to set in. Last night 10/23 I had several dreams about crack with one so realistic I awoke only to find myself plotting a way to leave the house and get fired up. I used your 3 minute rule and talked myself into going back to sleep, it really felt good waking up this morning in my bed and not stumbling in as I know that would have happened. I relate to your book and have a new outlook on life although I know times will be tougher. It's an ongoing battle that is happening even as I sleep. Anyway, thanks a lot. I'll talk to you again soon.
William Morgan
#9...I am not absolutely sure. What can I do to be sure? All the signs and symptons are there. But no concrete evidence.
My son was mentally abused by his father, he went through a divorce a father who committed suicide all in one year. He has no life now. He lives with me, he cannot keep a job, I cannot keep a dollar, he steals my checks, money, anything he can get his hands on. His room looks like a pig sty. It reaps of marijuana. He smokes weed with cigars, every trash can in the house is full of it every day.
He is 28. Where do I go for help. Where do I start. How do I begin.
#10...Camille,
Last week was awesome. The 75 day program is sooo spot on. On Friday, I had a big blow. I thought I had made my sales quota and over for the week. At 5:00pm I found out they were not all new sales. Half were renewals. Which meant after all my efforts, I would still get minimum wage vs 3.00 an hour increase for the week!
Then Saturday Lynn took me into work. The traffic tried to keep us from getting there. So we took another route. Oh Boy! There was a RR crossing stopping us. There was NO TRAIN! We looked at each other, identified the problem, & started laughing. Right then, I mean Right then,.... the crossing guard arms of the RR track raised. AMAZING ! ! Also, Saturday I made my quota for the week in sales to raise my hourly & receive great commission.
There was more to last week. This was the most amazing.
I apologize for the delay in getting back to yall. Today is 21 days!! Yahoo!!
I need to get to work now. Talk to yall soon. Thanks again. Have a wonderful & prosperous day. CLEAN ! ! Our number is 281-xxx-xxxx, for future reference.
Trish
This email came from someone who just cut into our site...started blabbing really bad remarks about our site and how we go about this ministry...even though everything is right there for all to see...this person felt compelled to cut us down while stating words right from our site...like DUH lady if you do not like us then go somewhere else...her first letter is not here...it is not worthy of printing in this blog...the response and the "other" letters I will post here.
#11...From: lesley cohen
Sent: Tuesday, October 12, 2004 9:29 AM
To: camille@crackcocainerecovery.com
Subject: RE: group post
Just because I have an opinion,does not mean that I am a fool. You have no
love to give. I feel so sorry for you. You have nazi like tendencies. You
BAN people from expressing themselves? How dare you. Good luck to YOU.
From: "Camille Gibson"
To: "'lesley cohen'"
Subject: RE: group post
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 2004 23:07:18 -0400
..you are an opiniated fool...take your "opinions" elsewhere...your
banned good-bye...good-luck
From: lesley cohen
Sent: Monday, October 11, 2004 10:37 PM
To: camille@crackcocainerecovery.com
Subject: RE: group post
Oh my goodness...someone has anger issues! I will pray for you...a
release from your anger. How dare you say that 12 step programs are a
"cult" . I was not "putting you down" I was expressing an opinion. The fact that you
"block" people from free expression, makes me wonder who is in the
"cult"...get a hold of your ego! I wish you another 24 hrs...if you
cannot achieve serenity at least you can be sober. Please do not send
me any more information...I am no longer interested in a group that has
people governing over what can and cannot be read. It frightens me that this is
happening. Your anger is alarming. Why don't you try allowing people to
form their own opinions....your "rejection"of my ideas makes me feel
sad. I will talk about this in my group. I hope that you can get over your anger.
***Hello this is todd,
While I do respect ALL forms of "recovery" and "treatment" I do not
and will not allow a direct "put-down" of our web-site. If you would
like to post your opinion of how a person should "recover" fine and
dandy, but leave your "personal" jabs out, if you do not like our approach then do not come
to this group if all you can do is jab. Meetings help a lot of people
BUT not everyone, even if they "do not work it" as it should be. Not
that it is any of your business or obvious concern we are currently helping and have
hundreds of people COMPLETELY free from crackcocaine, and that is
what we do, that is all. If you have noticed when you are not jabbing
at our "completely damaging" web site we direct those who suffer from
alcohol or "other" drug abuse to other people and places to deal with
those substances first. We deal with crackcocaine and that is all and if it offends
you that we do separate crack as being "more" evil than other drugs, then there
is nothing more that I can say to you. All of who and what we
are, is in our web-sites. And from the sound of it, it does not go along with
how YOU are staying clean. Not everyone needs the same way..oh yeah if you
are into the 12 step cult as that being THE ONLY WAY, then I feel sorry for you
on that level..as far as you being clean, that is great. That is the
mission, it is just that God has put my path to connect with those who do not,
will not or cannot respond in the traditional ways. Of course all of that is in
our "completely damaging" web site that you probably just quickly
glanced over. THIS WILL BE THE LAST POST TO YOU ON THIS
SUBJECT. Further disrespect for our site, methods and hundreds of people who HAVE found THEIR freedom from crackcocaine...your posts will not
go through and you will be banned from group. I somehow imagine that
will be OK with you since you have the ONLY WAY to get and stay clean
from crackcocaine, or as we say conquer crackcocaine forever
and be completely free from crackcocaine possession
forever...PERIOD..Todd
#1...Hi Camille and Todd! First and foremost, I want to say thank you for all your help. Barry and I went through the 75 days successfully. Things were great! Barry and I started new hobbies. 1 in particular was going to the gym. It helped get through staying clean. He committed himself and stuck to all the rules.
After it was over, he decided he was going to celebrate his birthday. Sadly with booze and weed. Sigh.... I couldn't do much about that. So, now I'm scared it's going to start all over again. A week went by and after searching for jobs, he found one. Yeah, good right? Well, the environment there was, well, not favorable for him to stay clean and sober. They treated him to lunch and gave him money. So off he went to buy booze and weed again. We discussed that he was going to have to quit. Today he was to go there and resign, which he did (I scouted his E-Mail). Unfortunately they have probably paid him out and my guess is he won't be coming home tonight. I ordered the Devils candy Book and it will be here soon.
This is tough because after he few slips, he is seriously contemplating moving away. If he does, it's probably for the best because it will be because he still wants to party. There is no other reason for me to fathom. He also does not want to put us through any more headaches. My friend has denied me her place to escape to when he's wasted and that's probably for the best too. I don't know what when or how, but that's what's happening now. I can't help but think this will happen again. It's hard for me to keep tabs on his comings and goings because of my responsibilities with work and my daughter. I'm not going to always be able to prevent him from slipping and I know it. I'm really just fed up with it all and don't want to deal with it anymore. He doesn't want me to be his "mother" nor do I want to be. I just can't believe after things went so well that he would go back to his addictions so easily. I'm sad for him. I love him and want him to be well. Not much else to say. This might be the end of the line. But, most of us say that and keep going through it. I'm trying to be strong, but my daughter is tired of seeing him drunk and messed up too. Today she asked if we have to go home after I picked her up. She was worried and it made me really really upset to hear how it's affected her. I have to seriously look into counseling for us and will do so weather he stays and continues to clean up again or leaves. It's so much to bear. I don't know how you held it all together Camille. You have so much more responsibility with 3 kids and a home. I admire your strength. Anyways, I'll go now. I just wanted to update you guys. Take care. Hope all is well and will talk to you soon.
Love, Savoia (Savoy...lol, that's for you Todd)
#2...Todd,
In the quest to conquer cocaine addiction, is it ok for a crack addict to
drink? My boyfriend who is trying to conquer crack addiction seems to think
anytime he chooses since he is 45 years old is ok, he didn't hurt anyone or
anything. He just gave me a check the other day he cashed last week of $750
because he had cashed it and had temptations. He still holds the atm card
and has access to his money, because he doesn't want to be controlled. I so
much long to help, but am very hurt tonight because he gets upset everytime
I question him when he decides to drink. I am seriously considering giving
up on this relationship of three years. I have waited two years for him to
stop and even tells me how he can't drink when I'm not here and how he
messed up over the last month almost every weekend for a month. I was gone
to Florida with a job, and he used every Saturday night or Sunday evening.
Made it to work everytime he did it on a Sunday evening, but does that make
it ok, does that mean he is getting better?
Any advice would help!
Thank you,
Vivian
#3...Hi Camille, I have a question Hope u or Todd can answer for me, can someone on crack change drug- like go to snorting crank or cocaine and get the same effect, or will they still have to seak out crack because of the buzz? Please Reply, Just Curious, Karen Zepeda
#4... Just a note to let you know that your Web Site is very much appreciated.
My financee is determined to get away from his demons. I have been researching and came across your site. While I already knew a lot of the information you had, your site has reinforced what I am going to have to do.
Thank you so much!
Betty Ensor Thomas
#5...Camille,
Tell Todd I said, he's awesome.
I really appreciated his program last night.
He said some things last night that I needed to hear.
I guess my love for Ben has sometimes clouded over in my mind his addiction to crack.
I have an email out to his lawyer, and I'm trying to get the facts of his case and the charges up against him.
I suppose Hope told you about Stone Hawk.
Unless the State of Tennesee decides to pay for it, I won't be sending him there.
If you or Todd know of any program that can be suggested, let me know.
I'm not gonna do anything but point the DA or Judge to the fact my son has a problem and needs help.
I'm not gonna hand carry Ben, he needs to step out on his own where this is concerned.
Love you guys and thanks for everything.
As soon as I can get some things settled financially, I want that CD Todd played last night. It was great. Maybe someday he and I can jam together. I'm a drummer. I love jazz.
Tom
THE FOLLOWING EMAIL IS A WEIRD ONE...FIRST HE IS SCREAMING FOR HELP, NEXT HE CLAIMS HIS LIFE IS IN DANGER IF WE HELP OR WRITE HIM BACK...OF COURSE I DID WRITE HIM BACK...I TRULY HOPE HE IS OK..AND WHEN HE REALLY NEEDS HELP...WE WILL BE HERE WAITING FOR HIS RETURN. CRACK IS CRACK...SAD BUT TRUE!
#6...From: steven cherry Sent: Tuesday, October 19, 2004 11:14 AMTo: todd@devilscandy.comSubject: I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
my name is steve.i am addicted to crack real bad.i don't need to go into all the things i've done to get high.but lately i just get high when i get paid. yes i still have a job.when i don't have any money i won't get high probally because i dont want to go back to jail.this is why this thing is driving me so crazy.if there is anything you can tell me to help please help me! please!
RESPONSE: Todd Gibson
Hello this is todd,
Sorry I took so long to replya little more info will help us formulate a plan 4 u 2 start your journey
How long
Married
What HAS worked
Any jail or treatment
Do u no safe people
Where are u located
What I CAN tell you is crack can be conquered and u can be free forever from the possession of crackis it easy NOis it possible YES
Have u looked thru our web sites http://www.devilscandy.com/ and http://www.crackcocainerecovery.com/ u need to go ALL the way thru them...then we have common ground to start at...hope is here now BUT I do need more info to help u...ALSO we do a live radio show on Thursday night 930pm eastern time zone...come listen and start the journey...PEACE...Todd
AND THEN HIS RESPONSE: From: steven cherry Sent: Friday, October 29, 2004 11:15 AMTo: todd@devilscandy.comSubject: RE: I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
No longer need your help. Please don't write me again my life depends on it. I swear-DON'T EVER WRITE OR CONTACT ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!
HERE WE HAVE AN INTERESTING ONE....WANTS TO STOP SMOKING CRACKCOCAINE WITHOUT THE POWER OF GOD OVER CRACKCOCAINE....GOOD LUCK!!
#7...From: Duke Swan
Sent: Wednesday, October 27, 2004 3:02 AM
To: todd@devilscandy.com
Subject: but im an atheist todd
wtf i dont believe in god i dont accept god but i want to quit using
THIS ONE IS FROM SOMEONE WE HAVE NOT HEARD FROM IN 8 WEEKS AS OF 1-6-05...THE LAST CONVERSATION I HAD WITH HIM WAS WHEN HE TOLD ME HE WENT TO THE STORE FOR "A PACK OF MATCHES" TO LIGHT HIS CIGARETTES BECAUSE HIS WIFE WOULD KILL HIM IF HE LIT THEM ON THE STOVE....ONCE HE ARRIVED AT THE STORE-HE "RAN" INTO A PUNK CRACKDEALER WHO HE OWED $800 OR SO HE SAID AND THAT IF HE DID NOT GIVE THE PUNK CRACKDEALER HIS CAR...HE WOULD GET BEAT UP REAL BAD AND HE HAS BEEN BEAT UP REAL BAD BEFORE AND DID NOT WANT TO HAVE THAT HAPPEN. I CALLED HIM ON HIS "STORY" WHICH WAS BULL...AND HAVE NOT HEARD FROM HIM SINCE! HOPE YOU ARE OK...WILLIAM. CRACK IS CRACK...SAD BUT TRUE! THE CRACKLIES AT THEIR BEST!!
#8...Hey Todd, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you and your willingness to share your experiences. I received the CDs and am truly grateful. My mother brought your books down to me this weekend and with them reality is starting to set in. Last night 10/23 I had several dreams about crack with one so realistic I awoke only to find myself plotting a way to leave the house and get fired up. I used your 3 minute rule and talked myself into going back to sleep, it really felt good waking up this morning in my bed and not stumbling in as I know that would have happened. I relate to your book and have a new outlook on life although I know times will be tougher. It's an ongoing battle that is happening even as I sleep. Anyway, thanks a lot. I'll talk to you again soon.
William Morgan
#9...I am not absolutely sure. What can I do to be sure? All the signs and symptons are there. But no concrete evidence.
My son was mentally abused by his father, he went through a divorce a father who committed suicide all in one year. He has no life now. He lives with me, he cannot keep a job, I cannot keep a dollar, he steals my checks, money, anything he can get his hands on. His room looks like a pig sty. It reaps of marijuana. He smokes weed with cigars, every trash can in the house is full of it every day.
He is 28. Where do I go for help. Where do I start. How do I begin.
#10...Camille,
Last week was awesome. The 75 day program is sooo spot on. On Friday, I had a big blow. I thought I had made my sales quota and over for the week. At 5:00pm I found out they were not all new sales. Half were renewals. Which meant after all my efforts, I would still get minimum wage vs 3.00 an hour increase for the week!
Then Saturday Lynn took me into work. The traffic tried to keep us from getting there. So we took another route. Oh Boy! There was a RR crossing stopping us. There was NO TRAIN! We looked at each other, identified the problem, & started laughing. Right then, I mean Right then,.... the crossing guard arms of the RR track raised. AMAZING ! ! Also, Saturday I made my quota for the week in sales to raise my hourly & receive great commission.
There was more to last week. This was the most amazing.
I apologize for the delay in getting back to yall. Today is 21 days!! Yahoo!!
I need to get to work now. Talk to yall soon. Thanks again. Have a wonderful & prosperous day. CLEAN ! ! Our number is 281-xxx-xxxx, for future reference.
Trish
This email came from someone who just cut into our site...started blabbing really bad remarks about our site and how we go about this ministry...even though everything is right there for all to see...this person felt compelled to cut us down while stating words right from our site...like DUH lady if you do not like us then go somewhere else...her first letter is not here...it is not worthy of printing in this blog...the response and the "other" letters I will post here.
#11...From: lesley cohen
Sent: Tuesday, October 12, 2004 9:29 AM
To: camille@crackcocainerecovery.com
Subject: RE: group post
Just because I have an opinion,does not mean that I am a fool. You have no
love to give. I feel so sorry for you. You have nazi like tendencies. You
BAN people from expressing themselves? How dare you. Good luck to YOU.
From: "Camille Gibson"
To: "'lesley cohen'"
Subject: RE: group post
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 2004 23:07:18 -0400
..you are an opiniated fool...take your "opinions" elsewhere...your
banned good-bye...good-luck
From: lesley cohen
Sent: Monday, October 11, 2004 10:37 PM
To: camille@crackcocainerecovery.com
Subject: RE: group post
Oh my goodness...someone has anger issues! I will pray for you...a
release from your anger. How dare you say that 12 step programs are a
"cult" . I was not "putting you down" I was expressing an opinion. The fact that you
"block" people from free expression, makes me wonder who is in the
"cult"...get a hold of your ego! I wish you another 24 hrs...if you
cannot achieve serenity at least you can be sober. Please do not send
me any more information...I am no longer interested in a group that has
people governing over what can and cannot be read. It frightens me that this is
happening. Your anger is alarming. Why don't you try allowing people to
form their own opinions....your "rejection"of my ideas makes me feel
sad. I will talk about this in my group. I hope that you can get over your anger.
***Hello this is todd,
While I do respect ALL forms of "recovery" and "treatment" I do not
and will not allow a direct "put-down" of our web-site. If you would
like to post your opinion of how a person should "recover" fine and
dandy, but leave your "personal" jabs out, if you do not like our approach then do not come
to this group if all you can do is jab. Meetings help a lot of people
BUT not everyone, even if they "do not work it" as it should be. Not
that it is any of your business or obvious concern we are currently helping and have
hundreds of people COMPLETELY free from crackcocaine, and that is
what we do, that is all. If you have noticed when you are not jabbing
at our "completely damaging" web site we direct those who suffer from
alcohol or "other" drug abuse to other people and places to deal with
those substances first. We deal with crackcocaine and that is all and if it offends
you that we do separate crack as being "more" evil than other drugs, then there
is nothing more that I can say to you. All of who and what we
are, is in our web-sites. And from the sound of it, it does not go along with
how YOU are staying clean. Not everyone needs the same way..oh yeah if you
are into the 12 step cult as that being THE ONLY WAY, then I feel sorry for you
on that level..as far as you being clean, that is great. That is the
mission, it is just that God has put my path to connect with those who do not,
will not or cannot respond in the traditional ways. Of course all of that is in
our "completely damaging" web site that you probably just quickly
glanced over. THIS WILL BE THE LAST POST TO YOU ON THIS
SUBJECT. Further disrespect for our site, methods and hundreds of people who HAVE found THEIR freedom from crackcocaine...your posts will not
go through and you will be banned from group. I somehow imagine that
will be OK with you since you have the ONLY WAY to get and stay clean
from crackcocaine, or as we say conquer crackcocaine forever
and be completely free from crackcocaine possession
forever...PERIOD..Todd
#12...From: Linda Sent: Tuesday, October 05, 2004 8:07 AMTo: camille@devilscandy.comSubject: Hello again
Todd and Camille,
Just a note to say Good Morning and Marie just called me early, and told me that she sure did enjoy talking to you last night. She appreciated so much you taking the time to call and talk to her. William did not come home last night, but walked in the door about 6:30 am this morning, but was straight. It shocked her to see that he was not all high, she ask him about last night, he said that he went looking for stuff, but could not find it, so he slept in his truck and was going to work this morning, she said he looked able to work today. She also told me that you were praying that he did not find anything, and as we know God is good, and he couldn't find alot last night. He may have got hold of a little, but not much. Anyway we were both pleased to hear that. She will do what you said as far as getting the guns to my house or his dads. I am not married to his dad anymore, but my husband Terry, his step dad, is a very compassionate person and wants to see him clean also. She was feeling much better after talking to you. We both agreed that you and Camille are heaven-sent to our family. She ask me how I found you, and I can't even remember the details, except that I went to the Lord and ask for someone to be put in his path and our path that understood what he is going through, what Marie is going through, and what I am going through. I did not feel comfortable going to my pastor, or even close friends, who has not been through all of this.
So I have kept this to myself, and tried to deal with it, and Marie also. But I know that God put you in our path, and I know that for a fact.
I can now say that as I begin to understand things better, that I can see a ray of hope. I am looking at this addiction differently now, I am not mad at William, but I am getting furious at the monster that is inside of him, at first I didn't see it as a monster, but only as his bad habit, but now I look at it different. And I can say NO to monsters, and not let them control my life. As Camille told me in an e-mail, I will not live the crack-cocaine life, I will not let it control my house. I take control of its contents.
Thanks again for taking the time to call Marie. I love her very much, and my grandbaby. I guess also I am afraid that I won't see my grandson as much, but she is moving here close to me. At first she was talking about staying there in Richmond, 100 miles away, and told me that I would not see my grandbaby as much if her and William split up, I was heart broke, but now she has changed her mind and is coming my way. Please write if you have time.
Linda
#13...We live in Toronto Canada Todd
Our phone number is 416 xxx-xxxx and his email is whitegary@.......
I appreciate any information you have as we have been through all the treatments centres and he has been in AA NA off and on for 15yrs.
I have been in Alanon for 5yrs off an on but have been working my program consistantly for the last 6months I also have my 12yr old daughter in Alateen.
I know what you mean about some alanons though about leaving and i dont want to but im near the end of my rope thats why i signed on to your show.
Our address is
Toronto Ontario
M4E 3C6
Thank you so much for responding back so soon
Have a good day
sherry
#14...Camille,
Thanks to you and Todd for taking time to speak with me last night, I am very grateful for your guidance and support. And I'm sure Shannon will be as well in the long run. In your email you had asked for his jail address. I would greatly appreciate it if you would send him an encouraging card or letter, I think he's really like that. His address is:
Michael
Knoxville, TN 37918
I'll be in touch again soon, after my next visit with him. Talk to you then.
Crystal
This is an interesting one...we did a phone intervention with this family, and for the most part they did not feel they should do a whole lot about Roger...they said "well he is not smoking as much"...well now the update on Roger is he is living at Mom's house...has a 4 month "layoff" from a very good job....and apparently the family STILL is not convinced Roger has a crack problem....time will tell!
#15...From: Br51stew@.... Sent: Tuesday, September 21, 2004 1:46 PMTo: camille@crackcocainerecovery.comSubject: (no subject)
Thank you and Todd for your concern about my son, Roger. I have followed the suggestions that Todd gave to me when we last talked in August. We have made excellent progress with Roger and feel that it has not been necessary for professional intervension over the telephone.Again you have my thanks for all your help.Betty Stewart
This is from Chris Farley's brother...Chris died from cocaine and alcohol.
#16...From: Thinklaughlive@aol.com [mailto:Thinklaughlive@aol.com] Sent: Friday, September 17, 2004 12:53 PMTo: camille@devilscandy.comSubject: The Chris Farley Foundation
Camille,
Certainly, add our website link to your sites. It looks like you and Todd have done some wonderful work.
Our philosophy is to use the power of humor to resist and heal. So I'm sure it can be a value to your work as well. All the best.
Keep it up and we wish you well.
Tom Farley
The Chris Farley Foundation
Think. Laugh. Live.
#17...From: Denise Hutton Sent: Wednesday, September 15, 2004 1:15 PMTo: todd@devilscandy.comSubject: RE: I am at a roadblockImportance: High
Camille,
Thank you again for all of your help and words of wisdom. I am just so hurt and sad and tired, I have been trying to help him for the past 6 months out of our one year relationship. He is so sweet and charming and kind when he is not high and I truly love him alot, but I just do not want to continue to be abused by his addiction anymore. I do not mean physically...I mean mentally...he has and would never hurt me or my son. He cries and says he wants to quit...he by his own discord went to a rehab recently for 30+ days and was clean for 40 days and whenever he left their facility despite their advice to stay, it only took one week...not even and there he was at it again. I just am so confused I know that alot of the reason he is like that is because he never had anyone to guide him even as a child, I think that he can be better and since we began dating he has become a much nicer and better person,but what if I continue to try and try only to bring myself and my son more and more disappointment. How can you tell if someone really wants to quit or if they are just saying that to keep you around?
Denise L. Hutton
#18...From: Karla Stroman
Sent: Monday, December 20, 2004 4:48 PM
To: camille@devilscandy.com
Subject: RE: "Jerry's story"
Hi Camille and Todd!
I needed to drop you a note to say that things were going quite well with Jerry until last night when I asked him who was text messaging him and he blew up at me and said he doesn't feel comfortable in this house. I think that he wants to leave again. I know that this process cannot be easy and I surely am a rookie at dealing with someone stopping using crack just as I was a rookie at ever experiencing crack in my life in any way. What is the best thing for me to do? He's angry at me for making him leave for those five weeks and he only wants to talk to people who have "been there", where he is. What do I do now? Karla
Update:
Thank you for the "blog". I listened to it this morning at my office.
I'm going to send it to my home e-mail and ask Jerry to listen to it. I messed up. I thought I was strong enough to not be manipulated by him anymore but I messed up. I don't know what to say about the situation other than I broke down and it was so wonderful the first few days. I would like him to tell you what he has been doing. I hope that he'll call you very soon.
I know it's not a joke. I just didn't do it right.
I'm so sorry that I was weak.
Karla
MY RESPONSE: 1-6-05
Hello this is todd,
I know that YOU know it is not a joke...I just needed to WAKE u up...and it sounds like it worked...glad u wrote...we love you and care about you and understand how difficult this is...we are here for you in whatever way we can be...our 1st belief...we believe in each success...not every failure! Pick yourself up...dust yourself off...go forward where you left off...AND ATTACK CRACK...you CAN do this without attacking Jerry...PEACE...Todd
PS come to the show tonite 930pm EST...I will be addressing how to follow the program and what to do when we fall....Todd
Karla's Response: Thanks for your love and encouragement. I will listen tonight and I will ask Jerry to listen with me if he is home from his meeting. God Bless! Karla
So there you go. Just a small taste of some of the emails we get and how we respond. Hope you enjoyed the truth....Todd
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