Crack Editor

There are many ways to stop smoking crack-cocaine. As simple as this seems, it really is true. Crack-cocaine lies. It convinces you that you can have IT and a life, you just have to work it out…again…and again…and again.
This booklet is in a format that without a doubt saved my life. When I was jotting down all these notes, I had no idea it would come to this. As we know GOD has weird ways to get us where HE wants us to be. HIS way works.
It takes 75 days to completely get the spiritual possession (not the secular addiction) of crack-cocaine out. The secular addiction is an on going life long dilemma as long as we buy into we can never completely get rid of an addiction. Well this is not true. This is from our experiences and truths. Clinically it can take about 75 hours. This is not a clinical battle. The spiritual and mind possession can tempt and prod you for quite awhile longer than this format is set up to do. When you do get to the end of the 75 days, the plan and goal is to be exposed to the real truths about crack-cocaine and to have disarmed it to the point that it has started to leave you alone so you can work your program and fight the spiritual battle of your life, for your life. The following pages are set up to be a daily guide. Each day will have one spiritual issue with a scripture of reinforcement. My daughter Sue says we should do these as memory verses. I agree. We also have a quip of the day. There will be more than one spiritual issue per day coming at you, but our focus is on how to accomplish one issue at a time. Each day away from crack-cocaine brings us closer to being completely free from crack. With a true desire and the understanding of where this stuff is really coming from and its only mission to destroy; this understanding and desire will bring you the strength necessary for success. Our measure of success is in our 1st belief and to quote: We believe in each success, not every failure. Success is what you make of it. When contaminated, an hour can be great success.
I do suggest that when a fall, slip, relapse, or picking up again, or whatever term works for you…IMMEDIATELY get back up and go to where you LEFT off…and do it again and again and again until you get it right. Ultimately it goes full circle…and remember…it took me 3 years AFTER I knew what I know now as the truth revealed to my soul as to what this stuff really is…this approach works for me and crack-cocaine will never penetrate me again…this is ONE thing I do know for sure about crack-cocaine… BUT do not worry…I am not too confident…it is just when you do finally get how to do this…it is simple.

Todd called me as soon as he was able to tell me the news. Pat the social worker at the Bail Bond Dept. had already called me to tell me she had appeared in court and Todd was definitely going into a Re-Hab Program. Todd and I waited anxiously for an opening to come up. He was euphoric but very nervous and very serious.
He had wished for a long-term residential program for so long and thought it to be hopeless. Now that this had arrived he was terrified that it too would not work. He was terrified that he was hopeless. He was moving neared to that place where crack-heads can not stop and can not live as a crack-head any more.
He finally heard of an opening and was scheduled to move in immediately. He called and gave me a list of things he needed me to buy at the store, and which of his clothes he needed. I had already packed his bag. It had been waiting for weeks. When I arrived with toiletries from the store he had made a list of the cost of each one and totaled them including tax.
"I can get a job and a pass to go to work after I have been here a month. I will pay you back from my first check". And he did.
I visited him every Saturday afternoon for 2 hours. He was both serious and euphoric with energy, zest, confidence and dedication. The old Todd was back. He was very happy and impressed with his caseworker that was on the premises every day. She was able to put what was best for the patient 1st. She gave him many books to read and he devoured each one, taking notes on them! He would bring the book and his notebook to the visiting room when I visited and talked about each one in detail. He even had me get the books I had read from the library and let her read them. Todd was ready to take any program, good or bad into his heart and try and make it work.
He talked non-stop for 2 hours every week. It seems he had lucked out at this facility, which housed people from a large area, even out of state. It involved some serious felony prisoners and all types of substance abuse. Consequently the program was broad and varied. The reading material covered a range of ideas about crack. The lectures were balanced with a variety of types of people with a variety of approaches to various abuses. Meetings were held with a format ranging from AA's to a newer more free-form supportive more positive approach. Todd soon found leaders he admired and identified with. Something that had never happened at meetings he had gone to before.
He was both terrified at the thought of leaving the facilities and impatient to have a life again. He took to heart one of the main aspects of the program, which was whatever is bothering you, whoever is bothering you, however small and insignificant, please, please tell us immediately. Your happiness and peace is very important to us. Your recovery is #1 in our life. We will do anything to help you get there. He became an avid complainer. It always worked. This was his first taste in 6 years of wanting to live his life in a certain way and having control over something that was making this difficult or impossible.
Of all the things he devoured here, that one helped him to take the biggest step. Control over his life control over crack.
While he put everything under a microscope, in every aspect of his life, he began to separate the people around him. Those who were not interested those who were weak and those who 'might' make it. This was another mark off point for him. Seeing himself and seeing those around him just as they really are.
People in the program assured him continually that his recovery was his recovery. Whatever program worked, was the right one. Whatever people helped him, were the right people. He was the free agent here who could design and find exactly what he needed. He was OK. He did not have to fit into an AA program. He could find his own personal program. If someone designated as help, and this person did not say things that had meaning to him, he had the right to reject them and find other people. In spite of this TLC, Todd constantly admired those counselors who also had, a you can not bullshit me, I know all the moves tough and brutally honest, and even a little cynical. He recognized this combination as real tough love.
The counselors did not spend a lot of time on how lethal crack was, or how desperate the life of a crack-head was. Most were pretty well aware of by now. There were those there who did not want to know. The why's were left a lot to the individual to find. The what's were stressed. Not so much here is a list of how to's, but what could work for you. In the midst of a monolithic mortally lethal substance epidemic, with no road maps, were these brave souls-the counselors and addicts were trying to find their way out of the wilderness together. That is what made it work. Together. Crack-heads do not need experts to write out a program in stone. They need people to work with them through this wilderness, pooling resources as if they were a combat unit shedding real tears when one of them did not make it.
I studied his body language. I studied his words. I studied his program and for the first time I was content. I would not hook myself into making stone chiseled proclamations. It would be 9 months out of the program before any of us would say, "I think he is going to make it". But I felt something shift in him. There was new grease in the gears.
He felt it too and there were days when he knew positively that he could do it. And days when he was terrified to be out there alone again. He wanted to leave every day and get restarted on recapturing life again, but he was terrified too. As though some monster from "Alien" was out there looking for any organization of society to eliminate, and it was just him and this slimy grotesque animal to battle it out. He counted the days to his release and clung more tightly to what was around him!
It seemed that no matter how strong he was, how armed, how padded, there was still this terror of this monster out there. Was he really strong enough, armed enough, and padded enough? What was enough? It was the nightmare of all nightmares. It was the creature of all creatures.
It was that his brother Scott who came down every Sunday to pick him up and drop him off at a church. By then Scott believed only GOD could give any real guarantees in Todd's life and none of us cared who gave Todd the key, we just wanted him to have it. We were all dedicated in our own way to try and bring it all into Todd's life, to try.
If you ask Todd what was the key that finally took away that terror that still lurked inside him, even with the Re-Hab Program working miracles in his life, he will tell you he prayed and prayed for GOD to take away the desire for crack. Because this was the terror inside him even with all the tools, the strength and the steps to help him, he was terrified that the desire was still there and might be more powerful.
Until one day he walked out of the church and the desire was gone. He said from that day on, "I never think of crack. I have no thoughts about it and am not interested in it. I have no reason to or no need to ever do it again.
The terror inside him was so great, this miracle to Todd was above and beyond anything else. His need to have; no thoughts or interest or desire for crack, as well as the emotional and intellectual tools and so eliminate the terror of a monster that had gripped his life for 6 years was so important to him that there were no miracles above this one.
I can live with that. Certainly I believe most completely in miracles, and GOD"S power. I also believe GOD helps those who help themselves and who know what to do with that help and who truly needs it. And HE helps those who help others.
Todd's miracle was a package deal. He did try to help himself and we learned how to help him. Many people including a society of people, the counselors bravely walking through wilderness with no road map for crack-heads. Pat at Bail Bonds Dept., whose last name I never knew, came into our lives so briefly yet was part of this miracle. I would not want to take one card form the house of cards for fear it would all tumble down. It is hard for me to separate any one part of all the things that helped Todd, and say this is the one that really did it. He traveled a long road with many people to even get miracle status. Perhaps he needed to. But for Todd, after collecting all he had collected on his journey, and taking this journey with all the people he did, his terror of the desire was the greatest obstacle and only GOD could remove that. And HE did.
My daughter said, "You had a lot to do with this. I do not know if it would have happened without you". Why didn't I feel that's true? I would stop and think when she said it, of what specifically did I do that made a difference? I never could pinpoint it. I do think it was not as people think it was. Similar, but not the same. Certainly there were things I did with no motivation other than help or cure Todd. But that could not be sustained for long in the chaotic ups and downs, disappointments and failures of having a crack-head son. What I did was sustain myself. Help myself to get through it. Made myself feel as good as I possibly could to endure it. Had he died, I would have been able to draw on this. As it was it got me through. And in the process helped him. It did not cure him. Only he could do that.
He was not entirely alone, either. Neither was I, because it was a very lonely time for both of us. To death, or to life, I had to take that walk with him, or I could not have lived with it.
AGAPE LOVE? It seems too perfect a feat for me. Maybe a mini Agape Love was achieved-sometimes.

Belief #7..."We believe this is not just your problem because it becomes everyone's problem.

Conquering crack cocaine does not involve just the user. It starts with you obtaining knowledge and transforming that into power over how crack cocaine has entered your life. Then we plant a seed of hope and lovingly from a distance, nurture it. While contaminated, a user does not believe that there is a way out. We need to eliminate all the ways this person gets access to money. Never put money in the hands of a person possessed by crack cocaine, not even a penny. You may have to be drastic like sleeping with a purse or wallet in a plastic bag for a noise alarm to keep money away from the hands of a crack-head. Leave your valuables in a safe box or at someone else’s house. Camille had to do these type of things long enough to get a grip on the situation so a plan can be executed. Are there pop cans lying around? Take them in yourself. It only takes $5.00 to get going on crack cocaine again. Get a storage place and store all things that could be sold or pawned for money to get crack cocaine. Have pay checks direct deposited into an account he or she does not have access to. This is not an option. If a crack-head says they want help, they probably do. A sure fire way to see if this is real, is to direct deposit without exception. If this one simple thing is not complied to or agreed to, then the time is not right for them to quit. At this point YOUR survival is first. When they hit below bottom again or are in jail, they will cry for help again. Same thing then. Drastic measures for a drastic situation! If they need food you go buy the food and give it to them. You can pack them a lunch. Absolutely no money. Find a local food pantry through a church or program. If they need clothes, you can buy them and then cut the inside label off and write their name on the inside collar and you KEEP the receipt so it can not be returned for money. If it is possible and they are working, arrange to drive them or find someone to do it or buy a monthly bus pass so they can get to work only. The bus pass is only to look for a job or to get to a job. If they are looking, the names and times need to be on paper and verified. Your conversations should be limited to conquering crack cocaine. Nothing else matters. When he or she begs for money say NO! Practice saying NO. If they are being evicted give them the address to a local shelter if you are not able for some reason to have them in your home because they cannot be trusted yet. Print out pages from our website and give it to them for a present instead of material things. Todd's father bought him a gravestone and coffin for Christmas. Is this being mean? NO it is being real because crack cocaine does and will kill. Sometimes having tougher than tough love is needed to get that window open. Some people have to leave, some divorce, others have their children taken away. Many have to have protective services or the police called just to open that window. You have to fight crack cocaine with all your might. Sitting around worrying gets you nothing. Driving around looking for that person gets you nothing but out of gas. They will be back when they have exhausted all means of money or they are physically unable to continue. Pray to God for their safe return so you can continue the fight. There does come a point of deciding to let go. How do you know when that time comes? When your loved one shows no signs of progressing in the process of conquering crack cocaine. Progress could be as sad as they brought back $20.00 of their paycheck instead of nothing. The progress may be a little micro dust mite, but any and all progress is a sign to continue. When all progress stops, then yes there does come a time to let that person go. That does not mean that it can’t happen at a later time, but it means you might have to move on in hopes they will get to the point of desiring progress again, or needing it. The fact is, that some people never get there and crack cocaine kills. Crack cocaine is draining and exhausting. We are living proof that it is worth the fight.

We get a lot of questions on when do I trust again? Trust is earned not given. You give trust a little at a time until that person proves his or her trust ability. Little droplets of trust at first and that does not even begin until they have at least 30 days clean and are showing signs of progress. Camille let me carry money only when she was with me, for example: when we went out to eat Camille would let me hold the money and pay for the meal so I felt better in front of others, but the minute we got in the car I had to give what was left back, and it better add up. Keeping your loved one connected to the real world is very important to their ability to form positive self-esteem again. Having birthday parties, Christmas, family gatherings, taking them to church even if they just got high, going to a movie, buying a hamburger etc… normal events of everyday life. Sharing new ideas you read about. These things need to take place even if you have to drop them off back in their crack-infested neighborhood. Keeping in touch is a way of planting seeds of hope. Remember how your loved one use to be? Maybe you can help them get there again. It is possible. Crack cocaine can be conquered! This takes a team participation. Those in your family who wish not to participate, might have to step aside for a while.

Expose crack! Tell everyone you know that your loved one is possessed by crack cocaine. It does not matter who knows. The more you expose crack cocaine the less power it has on you or your loved one. Camille even told the grocery clerks about it and gave the manager a picture and told them Todd is possessed by crack cocaine and may try to cash a bad check here. You know what? They did call when Todd tried to do this. Camille would tell local police, neighbors all family members, pastor EVERYONE she came in contact with and it worked! Crack-Todd started to lose power and my Todd is the man we knew he is! Crack-Todd could not go anywhere in the area we lived in without Camille finding out. So SPEAK! This is your life and your loved ones soul you are fighting for. Embarrassment never gets you to a crack-free life, but taking control does. Tom Petty has a song that has a line in it that goes, “I'm taking control of my life, right now!”. So can you. So can your loved one.
We know crack cocaine can be conquered. We are here to help anyone through the process. When we went through this we had very little help. Our goal is to reach as many people as we can. We are not here to debate programs and whether they work or not. We are here to share our beliefs, uphold them and share any and all ways that allowed Todd and I to conquer crack cocaine.
Todd and Camille

Quips

Everyday Book Quips

These “quips” are not claiming to be original, some are. If I’ve used yours, no infringement intended. They were used to quit smoking crack. Thank you for the help.

1. Dear God, please help me be the person that my dog thinks I am.
2. Happiness is a choice.
3. Honesty is essential for recovery.
4. If it don't apply let it fly.
5. To fail to cry is to fail to live.
6. Anger alerts us to the fact that something is not right.
7. The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
8. Those who forget their past are doomed to relive it.
9. The best way to replace a bad habit is to replace it with a good one.
10. Choose your companions with care; you may become what they are.
11. Suffering is defined as, 'anything about which one says, Oh No!
12. One form of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.
13. Worrying is paying interest on troubles that may never come due.
14. Discipline means taking responsibility for our behavior and the consequences.
15. If you do not stand for something, you will fall for anything.
16. Grief is a profound part of recovery.
17. If we look close enough, we can say that every choice we make is a love choice.
18. Denial and avoidance are the enemies of recovery.
19. There is no such thing as rejection, only trying to fit in where you were never meant to be.
20. Instead of counting your days, make each one count.
21. Even though you cannot control some of your circumstances, you can control your entire attitude.
22. I must have an awareness of my own ignorance.
23. Who we are looking for, is who is looking.
24. Lying distorts reality.
25. Cannot heal what you cannot feel.
26. Emotions are expressed in the body even before we're consciously aware of them.
27. We are directly responsible for our own wrong doing.
28. The more nothing changes, nothing changes.
29.The only thing that holds us back is ourselves.
30. Unresolved grief is almost always about undelivered communications of an emotional nature.
31. The first screw that works loose in a person's head is the one that holds the tongue in place.
32. When we need outstretched hands, we must let it be known.
33. Loss must be experienced in order to be shared and it must be shared in order to be healed.
34. Pain is reality, misery is optional.
35. We should consider ourselves as spirits having human experiences rather than humans having an occasional spiritual experience.
36. Humility comes before honor.
37. To get out of a hard situation, try a soft answer.
38. Resentments do not punish the other person, they punish us.
39. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger.
40. Life has a way of humbling us whenever we get a little too impressed with ourselves.
41. Discipline means understanding there are logical consequences to our behavior.
42. Drug use dulls the pain of the dysfunctional family loneliness.
43. Our own 'inner' child has to be disciplined in order to release its tremendous spiritual power.
44. Debate and argument are our tools for finding out what path each person needs and wants.
45. It is the heart that must be nourished and live; "Out of the heart are the issues of life”.
46. A strong ego is needed to transcend ego.
47. Soul is the essential self, ego is your adopted self.
48. Creating your own life takes the courage to risk new ways of being.
49. People must seek balance in their lifestyle before they can obtain contentment.
50. Anger needs to be discouraged as soon as possible.
51. Resentments are the block that holds us back from loving ourselves and others.
52. As adults there are conditions we must meet if we expect another to share love with us.
53. Human ability cannot guarantee genuine success.
54. A wise person, especially a discerning superior, has a pleasurable temperament.
55. Take time to think where you are going, or you may not like where you end up.
56. It is not that you do not remember...it is that you chose to forget.
57. Nothing is difficult, once you get used to it.
58. The way we handle our problems and troubles determines the quality of our life.
59. The way to handle life's problems is to solve them.
60. Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
61. Fewer things are more contagious than cheerfulness.
62. Without desire and wanting, our life energy gets crushed.
63. Part of growing up is learning to delay gratification which means more pleasure.
64. Strength is more impressive yet less effective than wisdom.
65. Growth is moving from one set of problems to a better set of problems.
66. Our one aim should be to have perfect harmony between conscience and conduct.
67. It is not what is wrong with us that counts, but what is right.
68. Everything in life we need to experience, it is exactly what we need in order to do the work we're doing now.
69. You cannot know what you do not know.
70. What we love we soon grow to resemble.
71. If we are what we should be, it automatically follows that we will be doing what we should be doing.
72. Do we need to loose our minds before we come to our senses?
73. Dying and not knowing who we really are, is the greatest tragedy of all.
74. An addiction is a pathological relationship to any form of mood alteration that has life damaging consequences.
75. You sought the heaviest burden of all and found yourself.
76. Mercy triumphs over judgment.
77. Nurture your marriage and you will nurture your soul.
78. Drugs and the devil can put a hole in one's soul.
79. Optimism and trust are the soul of intimacy.
80. We must never forget the 'value' of being a role model.
81. Do not hang onto the good things that come your way; pass them on they’ll have the power to bless.
82. It is easy to point our finger at another, but it is more rewarding to gently point it at ourselves.
83. The one thing we are never free to choose is choicelessness.
84.We need a balanced sense of responsibility; accepting consequences for what you do, refusing to accept consequences for what someone else does.
85. It will work if you will work.
86. The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our disposition and not on our circumstances.
87. We need to stop dreaming about what we do not have and be content with what we do have.
88. Development of character involves replacing our pride with patience.
89. Sound instruction and practical insight can help us avoid traps such as pride, impatience, disillusionment and resentment.
90. When we accept the way we are, others accept us for what we are.
91. Grief is something that cannot be hurried.
92. Grief is emotional not intellectual.
93. When we are unable to grieve, we cannot finish the past.
94. Grief is the healing feeling.
95. Our tears are to be cleansing showers, not am endless flood.
96. Tears of regret, remorse, and despair water the roots of love and life itself.
97. Graceful existence integrates past, present and future.
98. Constructive words of wisdom are no match for destructive weapons of war.
99. Honesty is never having to remember what you said.

Here we go again...Another website addiction know-it-all on crack...Crack Is Crack---Sad but True!

#1...Here are 2 questions from another site with the only answers:
Can you help me understand? and How can I help?
We understand that the approach to this horrible addiction is tainted with self-pity and anger beyond human comprhension...because you got bit by crack. Better yet you got stomped by crack. Of course you had nothing to do with this...right? If only you had had the information we provide for freedom from crack...maybe you would get how this NEEDS to be done. As far as helping...well your idea of helping is kicking EVERY crackhead to the curb...BECAUSE you are the one on file that says and I quote, "There is no hope for crackheads"! This is not true, except in your angry clueless world of bringing a message from the enemy of zero hope. God tells us to have faith and hope will manifest...but on this guys site there is NO HOPE EVER!
#2...Everyone thinks they can help their addict. This is the furthest thing from reality... attempting to help an addict only enables him to further his addiction. This is a very difficult concept to grasp. For the moment just understand it is a big misconception.
***Key word is "attempt". What is that? Like trying is dying. You do not try, you do and get done. Divided...the enemy wins! United we conquer crackcocaine. So EVERYONE thinking of helping "YOUR" addict...stop and give up because this website says you cannot help "YOUR" addict. Difficult concepts are a cover up for having an incorrect concept...DUH!
#3...I believe that crack is a two part problem composed of physical addiction and a unique lifestyle.
***HUH? What is that? "Unique lifestyle". Is this guy an idiot or what. Smoking crackcocaine BECOMES a lifestyle. Not unique...just horrible and possessed by evil. Crackcocaine IS NOT PHYSICAL...period. Obviously this guy does NOT know what he is talking about. Of course having NEVER smoked crack...how would he know. Crackcocaine is a possession of the body, soul and spirit. Nothing more...nothing less. Easy CONCEPT? NO! But a simple concept of truth.
#4...If you are an easy mark, you will be manipulated and become a part of their life. If they see you are interested in romance, you are in big trouble. No, your love isn't going to change them. It's going to destroy YOU.
***WOW is this guy hurt or what?. Easy mark? What the hell is that? AND love won't change anything? OK...lets try hate. Yeah that will work for a crackhead. Let us hate the person and NOT the crack. Yeah that sounds good...cool consider it done. After all there is no hope for ANY crackhead...and love is meaningless...and hate is the answer!
#5...Dealing with a crack addict is totally disarming. It will interfere with your sleep, your work, your driving, appetite and general concentration.
***I guess when you don't get it...you don't get it! Interfer? This is just so depressing I am not sure I can continue with this crackgobbletygoo...but I will persevere to expose ALL the cracklies.
#6...Crack is very dangerous because it is an easy transition from marijuana.
***NOW I AM convinced this guy from this "other" website is a complete fool. To mention pot and crack in the same sentence because you go right from pot to crack? From my personal summary: "Crackcocaine fools a fool". This is a great example of why I wrote that.
#7...Never take an addict to buy drugs. Undercover detectives stake out drug houses 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
***This is the most stupid NON-CRACKHEAD statement I have EVER heard. Why would you need to even say this. If you are following a true and correct program...this is not worth mentioning...period. Man this non smoking crackhead who has this site of crackstupidity is stupid.
#8...In my opinion women are most vulnerable to crack. It seems as though there is something in a woman's personality that causes them to be more easily addicted.
***You are right...it is just your opinion...and it is again stupid. I cannot do this much longer...I am getting stupid cutting and pasting this crap for you'all to see the "other" side.
>>>>>>>OK 1 MORE THAT IS IT<<<<<<<<<<<<
#9...If you try to make sense out of their actions, you will drive yourself crazy.
***Quite simple. Their action are a result of being possessed by the enemy through crackcocaine. SIMPL. Once you get this you won't want to "figure out" a crackheads behavior. I am sure this is why this guy is so "stupid" in his search for THE crack answer. We have the answer...too bad he didn't when he really needed the true answer about crackcocaine....then maybe he would not be so angry at this "girl" and focus on being really angry at crackcocaine and attack crack not the "drug", "the person", "the treatment" or any other "item" except crackcocaine itself.
***I have had enough of crack-stupidity today...gotta go!

Other People TRYING to quit crack! TRYING IS DYING!

GOOD LUCK!

I am a recovering cocaine addict and I have been clean and sober for over 6 years. Getting clean and staying clean have been the hardest thing I've ever done.
***UPDATE: This person has relapsed real bad this year...sorry your "sobriety birthday is no longer". If only he had taken 1 MORE step to 13. TOO BAD relapse is part of this person's recovery. It does not have to be. One should listen, learn and try any and all ways to stop the madness of smoking crackcocaine instead of "acting like you know what you are doing"!
**SPECIAL UPDATE: Here is the same person's statement but different..."I am a recovering cocaine addict and I have been clean and sober for over 5 years". Well what is it? 5 or 6 years?
Maybe we are spending too much time counting days INSTEAD of making each day count.
Making each day count is detoxifying your contaminated soul and spirit. NOT sharing war stories, finding NEW connections or telling or hearing YET another sad story of an angry day, or some normal daily functioning "feeling" trips them up almost if it hadn't been for you people around these tables, or issues that caused them to smoke crack. Rhetoric groupology of meaningless words that OBVIOUSLY DO NOT stop crack dead in its tracks. Oh well...do what you think will work for you.
***VERY SPECIAL UPDATE: Here is yet again another mish-mash of words from the same perrson describing "counting clean time"...this is soooo confusing..."I have finally found the strength to stay away from all substances for the last three years". 3 YEARS? Is it 5, or 6, or 3 years? Now even I do not know what direction to go to find this "only way" to beating this regular "disease of addiction". WOW. What a mess and no crack has been smoked...phew, that was close.
****INCREDIBLY VERY SPECIAL UPDATE: This is amazing. Here is more of the same...-- "for me it was the 12 steps of NA
putting my huge ego aside and surrendering -
finally a glimmer of hope although it has taken me twelve years to get 5 years.
There is hope - for the hopeless". HOPE? This guy RAN from that word when we said it to him and now he claims hope? AND this IS even after he relapsed again just under 75 days ago? Hmmmm? Let me think about this a minute...OK. You say NA, AA, CA or any "A" is the way to "get rid of crack" or arrest it, and yet relapse IS part of your recovery plan....except this time you will go what maybe 7 years? Now I AM really confused on how to do this...and if I AM confused...no wonder you cannot get this simple task in your life...to be free from crackcocaine for the rest of your life instead of "for awhile" or "whenever a relapse" occurs. Hmmm? I am speechless...and that is rare!
*****A PHENOMINAL SPECIAL UPDATE: Here we go again...you decide...again same person..."I again work in a job that I never felt I could obtain again and most of the time I have serenity". MOST OF THE TIME...SERENITY? So is it when you do not have that "serenity" you relapse? You might want to take a look at this point. You are clean for what 3...then ...5 then 6 years or something like that and you have serenity MOST of the time? Why not all of the time. I know the answer... do you? I suspect you do not.

*******ANOTHER WONDERFUL UPDATE: Yes from the same person. You-know the one who arressted crack for awhile, relapsed and is now counting days again...yeah that guy..."Yes, I had to hit bottom before my recovery could begin. It was only at that time that I became willing to change". CHANGE? You are willing to change? What happened this last time? You have not changed since I first met you. You have the way. The only way. AND OBVIOUSLY it is OK in "your group" or "website" to relapse as part of the planned recovery program. Great positive program. HEY FOLKS COME JOIN OUR GROUP...YOU CAN ARREST CRACK...RELAPSE ON CRACK...BE ACCEPTED BACK...AND WE DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN. Phew. I am tired!
********THE FINAL GREAT UPDATE: Same person..."that there is hope for the hopeless, recovery is possible". POSSIBLE? What your way? Not much of an example of hope there buddy. Of course NOW I am sure that you will be going forward with a renewed vigor and holler that is was a missed meeting, or call to your sponsor or oh yeah too much time spent on YOUR WEBSITE OF CRACKRELAPSE! Wake up and smell the crack...you know who this is about...YOU!

My Mom's Book....about the crackhell I put her through

Agape Love by Marilyn R. Lyon


I could mourn the crack-addiction. I could pray for it to leave. I could try to contribute to its death. I could pretend it was not here, year after year, or that it might always be here.
Maybe even that death might take it away, as well as my son, or that there is and was a quick and easy answer.
What I could do is share with him the place I reached after many years of both our failures. I could give us both a relationship, of sorts. It could be called Agape Love, although at the time I called it my program for surviving my pain. I have no judgments. I have not got the answer. I did share my strength and encouragement with my son to try one more time again, never give up hope. Eventually some inner belief planted itself that he could find an answer one of these next times. Then the new uplifting knowledge that each time he tried and failed, he could start again from where he left off the last time he…
He could call me when he failed. I would sit across from him, wanting to breakdown in total despair. I wanted to beg him to succeed, so I would not die of my pain over all this. In those moments sometimes I would lash out with bitter, angry, or clipped remarks. Mostly I did try and not say any judgmental or despairing things. At those times of being in despair myself, raw and vulnerable, Todd would accept my momentary lapses, stoically. He believed more than I, that he was no good, a total failure. I did not need to remind him, although I did it for me. It was my anger and pain. Todd, was not my enemy or I his. We had reached a point after many years of 'crack-crap' where he knew this. I was grateful for this. The long journey to get this was old and well traveled.
I was there to share another starting over again. There was never any doubt he had to try again. Just as I knew he would make it, maybe this time or maybe next time. How to retrieve his fast dwindling boxes of worldly possessions was always first on my list of 'enabling actions'. In this moment of a zombie-like existence, while entering back into the real world, when only a moment ago deep into hell, he would have let someone saw off any leg of choice, truly believing he did not deserve this added aid to re-enter the world of 'normal'. I knew starting over again required some semblance of material possessions to function at least with a little dignity and being able to have some personal moments to weave the days together. He would sleep on my davenport and go to the mall to sit and wait for me to get out of work. He was not allowed in my house anymore when I was not there. After a failure, it could be a fast or slow slide into some kind of pit that endangered his life. He was completely drained of everything. It literally would take months of dedicated good 'effort' just to regain an existence that would not be a danger to himself or anyone else. All this was a daily reminder to Todd and me, that he was a crack-head still. And I did remind him of this, when it fit easily into our conversations. When he became angry at his bleak life, I reminded him that this was the life of a crack-head. When he sighed that he could not walk through another Michigan winter, I again reminded him this is the walk of a crack-head. I said these without bitterness, and without anger or judgment, just a quiet reminder of the sad facts. I wished I could make it not so. But I did not know how. Only Todd could figure out how for himself.
There would be rides to find another scum flophouse for him. Occasional rides to yet another interview for a bottom of the heap job. And there would eventually be rides to look for another junk car. Fixed and imprinted on my mind forever are those businesses that are a dumping ground for the drug addict's in-between binges. These companies are supplying America with cardboard boxes, hinges, and pieces of plastic and cheap hamburgers!
And he was started again.
Some would consider this enabling. This is a word that became part of my vocabulary three months after I was assaulted with Todd's crack-crap. This I feel is because they do not understand anything about crack-heads. They think it is the same as alcoholism. It's not. They both are devastating substances, but that is the only thing they have in common. Overeating can be devastating, yet no one has suggested that we send crack-heads to weight watchers as another quick fix for society's mounting endangerment from crack cocaine. There is a very fine line as to this being enabling. One can only follow their heart. Each case is different. There are no experts regarding crack-heads. There are no rules written in stone. Not yet, anyway.
My program was my program. I believed in it when I was doing it. My program was an attempt to keep my son linked to the edges of the normal, to keep him in touch with real life. Crack-heads have lost every link to normal life. They live in the underworld of the criminal, the hopeless, the ignored, the forgotten, and the lepers of our society. I searched for a link, any link to the warmth of human beings living a normal life, something to keep the memory alive. I welcomed every small and seemingly insignificant opportunity to bring him out of this black hole of life he lived in a as a crack-head and bring him into a brief moment of fresh air.
I never did give him money. Some in the family did at first, but not later. We all believed there were easy answers. I did not bail him out of jail after the first time. I did not, nor did anyone buy him necessities of life. What little he had came at gift times. However, I must confess, we all over gave to him. And each gift was drenched with tears for a love we had so little opportunity to express.
And it went on for years. Would he make it this time? Next time? He was always with us at holidays. On those brief occasions we all put out of our minds that he was a crack-head. Still, he was Todd. He was OK. He was a human being, there but for the grace of GOD, go I, Todd, son, brother, grandchild, brother in-law, uncle. He was OK, even when he filled the room with his pain.
After Todd's many grueling years of being a crack-head, the family would always ask me 'the big question' (like I had the answer) will he make it this time? Because it was I who said I was sure he'd make it one of these times. It was I who said he's starting over again, trying once again, or he's failed again.
I would always answer the same, "I do not know"! And I would count off the good things on my finger for them, like a magic potion. He's going to school part time, he's never done that before. He's working every day; he has a place to live. He's saving his money for an old car so he will not have to walk again all winter. You could get him some long winter underwear for Christmas, or gloves, maybe a warm hat. Just in case his car breaks down.
Eventually there was an aurora of peace and belief in something only I could see. The family bounced off it with their own negative, hopeless feelings, but always came back to the hope, wanting me to convince them to believe he will get it one of these days. Never realizing they were not around on those heart pounding 3 AM jump up and think he is dead kind of things.
Driving to his place, seeing his car there, a light on, was not a testimony to his being alive. I took this crumb home with me, not knowing that I really had been holding my breath until someone called who had seen him since that night and I'd let the air out.
Pulling together my own private program was the only way I could go on. Because I wanted to go out in the streets and lay down and pound the pavement, screaming for an answer. I wanted to buy a gun and search out those responsible, threaten those who went on with their lives in the face of such a massive epidemic of hopeless despair, my son being just one tiny fragment of it.
My despair reached such proportions at times, people advised me to forget my son and run for my life to the nearest counselor. Instead I turned to learning. I filled my notebooks with bits and pieces of information, I collected these fragmented shreds, and the next time Todd failed I would share them with him. He was vulnerable at those times. He'd listen to anything. I became a student of counseling a crack-head. I could not make anything be his answer. I had this huge need to let him in on everything I could find on the subject of being a crack-head, just in case something clicked with him. Most of the time I was just there, another human being across from him who was flawed, difference being I do not have crack cocaine contamination or possession. We are different. Not less, not more, just different.
And so I searched for answers. Against all the experts' simplistic answers, such as AA's program that had been put through three washes and it came out the other end as a quick and easy simple comfortable solution for crack-heads, something to soothe society back to sleep with. Here's the program. And a drug is a drug is a drug. And addiction is addiction is addiction. If it does not work, it is because the crack-head doesn't want it to work.
The more I learned, the more "suspect" I became. If AA's program was the only answer, how come it was not and does not work for true crack-heads? Not just for my son, but for all the others too. Would I have to wait for a program to be invented? Would he be alive by then? Would he be too old to start again?
On my lunch hour one day while leafing through a book written for drug counselors at the library, I almost hyperventilated over a paragraph in front of me. Guess what? That's what! I wanted to stop everyone in the library and tell them, alcoholics are always alcoholics, never an ex-alcoholic. Crack-heads could be ex-crack-heads. It seems someone discovered that when a crack-head had a relapse, it was a lapse. They did not loose all their progress. Whatever strength, resolve, and knowledge they had hopefully accumulated while being off crack the last time did not disappear. In fact it stayed right there with them. Starting again for a crack-head meant not starting all over again. But starting form the point they left off. Whatever personal bits and pieces of ammunition that had hopefully been gathered over however many years was still there.
I also found a definition for drug addiction. It is a learned response. The learning process starts as a user. Like with alcohol, not everyone goes beyond this step. For many, they easily slip into abuser before the user even notices. After that, 10% of the millions of users will slip quickly across that line into addiction where they are completely out of control.
At the next failure, I added this to my mantra of trying again, and a belief that he would make it. You have not lost whatever skills you had to quit the last time, and the time before. I told my son they were still there to use. And this time you will add some more, and one more time might just do it.
Did he cling to this as much as I did? Was this single piece of flotsam in an empty ocean of the War on Drugs Gobblety Goop enough to 'do it'? I do not know. But I clung to it. It was my life raft. And I guess I picked him up and put him in it, no matter how many times he fell off.

"Attacking Crack"

Well well...what a few weeks of the crackcrap! So many of you are NOT doing what you know you should be doing to "attack crack". You are accepting crack in your life in some capacity. It could be in your "home" BUT not in your "room". Or it could be a person is still out all hours of the day and night and are still allowed to live and stay and eat food and even watch TV in this "home". It could simply be just turning and looking the other way. My favorite "river in Egypt" excuse is the, "it is a really bad hang over", or " he has an alcohol problem", and better yet, " I have JUST an alcohol problem"! In whatever capicity crack has crept back in, simply attack "it" again and watch it run and hide...fast. Crack DOES NOT like to be attacked. The really sad part is a lot of you have "attacked crack" and actually watched it run from your life...fast and far! Now you have stopped attacking crack in less than 6 months and look what is going on. Crack-is-back! So 6 month or maybe 2 1/2 years is too much to be free from crack forever? Am I asking too much? Maybe you are asking yourself too much. Our average days alive on earth is 27,375 days. So it probably IS asking too much to sacrifice oh maybe 180 days and maybe up to 900 days to live 21,000 days crackfree? 4% of your life attacking and fighting crack? It is not your fault your are possessed by crack. It is your fault for NOT "attacking crack". So lets recap. We live 27,375 days. If we say crack contaminates at 15 years old, (which is getting truer by the day) and we ask and you ask yourself to fight for your soul and spirit for 900 days or less and you will be free forever, and can LIVE your life crackfree forever...naw I guess it is not worth it. Nevermind.....Todd

Back up and Blogging

This blog site has been down since Feb. 13, 2005. It has been difficult to get a response to correct the problem. Well tonight it has been fixed and now I can continue to attack crack with text blogs! Who would have ever thought blogs against crackcocaine! What a concept!

So here we go a-blogging again....Todd

From Within Jail Walls

The Steeple Outside My Window
by Todd Gibson
The last clang,
of the door at night
I hate. Sounds dead.
Another day…wondering…
Not looking out my tiny sliver window.
Scripture seeking
for truth and peace.
Sleeping?
Always with a lite.
Another kind of ‘light’ please.
Thankful for food,
although little I eat.
Thirsty for words,
that will heal me deep.
Twenty days?
Longer it seems…
So unaware of life’s continual pace.
Blinded
about my plight.
Crawling. Stumbling.
Can not find the light.
Numb to oblivion.
Close ones I miss…
Mom, family, my sweet lover!
Then one day…
Some relief.
Looking out my tiny sliver window
all I could see
was a steeple for CHRIST.

Crack-A-Smile

Q- What do you call a Crackhead using a soup can for a crack pipe?
A- Soup and CRACKer

Q- What do you call a Crackhead using an antenna for a crack pipe?
A- Wireless

Q- What do you call a Crackhead using a pop can for a crack pipe?
A- CRACKcola

Q- What do you call a Crackhead who was beaten by his crack dealer?
A- All CRACKed up

Q- What do you say to a deadbeat Crackhead?
A- You’re not all you’re CRACKed up to be

Q- What do you call 3 Crackheads looking for crack?
A- The three CRACKitiers

Q- What do you call a Crackhead sharing a crack pipe with other crackheads?
A- Dead

Q- What do you call a Crackhead with a computer?
A- A mamas boy

Q- What does a dealer call 6 female Crackheads?
A- A business opportunity

Q- What do you call a Crackhead parent?
A- a CRACKrecruiter

Q- What do you call a Crackhead husband?
A- LOOOSERRR

Q- What do you call a Crackhead wife?
A- Jail bait

Q- What do you call a Crackhead in high school?
A- Dropout

Q- What do you call a Crackhead with money?
A- High

Q- How does a Crackhead get her email?
A- At the Library, of course

Q- How many Crackheads does it take to change a light bulb?
A- None. A Crackhead would not waist money on a light bulb. Why should he buy a light bulb? He has no electricity anyway.

Q- What do you call 10 Crackheads parked in their cars at the mall?
A- Mobile home park

Q- What do you call a Crackhead in front of a judge?
A- sentenced


A volunteer walks into the homeless shelter to help serve breakfast and noticed a Crackhead sitting a table by himself staring at a empty can of orange juice. A half hour the volunteer brings out a plate of food to the Crackhead and out of curiosity asks the Crackhead who is still staring at the empty can of orange juice, “Why are you staring at that empty can of orange juice?” Without looking up the Crackhead says, “it says concentrate.”

Crackhead walks into the hospital holding his chest "Doctor HELP me, I'm having a crackattack" Doctor says, " Nurse, quick get my pipe, its an emergency!"

Another Article from Years Ago...Crack is Still Crack!

"ADDICTS ANONYMOUS:
Recovery From A Broken Will"
January 26, 1997
Cornerstone Community Church
Introduction
A. I am not an alcoholic, nor a drug addict, nor a workaholic, but I know as well as anyone what it means to be an addict. And, no, it's not because I'm addicted to TV or sports or chocolate or electronics stores. I know what it means to be an addict because I am addicted to sin.
B. I wish that weren't so. It's rather embarrassing to have to admit that, being a pastor and all. You even pay me to be good, right, and here I am standing in front of you admitting that I am addicted to thinking wrong thoughts and acting in wrong ways. But what gives me the freedom to admit my addiction is that I know I am in good company. The Bible tells us that all of us are addicted to sin. Even though we know that sin will ultimately do us more harm than good, and even though we know our sin will catch up to us sooner or later, and even though we often don't want to sin, we still sin.
C. And so we are here this morning not just to learn about the problems of "other people," about people who are addicted to alcohol or drugs or sex or work or gambling or food -- we are here to learn how we can all become free from our own addiction, our addiction to sin. In John's Gospel we read these words of Jesus: "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin." (John 8:34) And that "everyone" even includes "religious" people. One of the most religious and most devoted followers of Jesus who ever lived was a man named Paul. Listen to what Paul wrote about his addiction to sin:
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do ... As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me ... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do -- this I keep on doing.
Romans 7:14-19
D. In moments of sober reflection, we would all admit that we know exactly what Paul is talking about. We understand what it means to do something that is wrong even though deep down we really want to do the right thing. We know the frustration of feeling powerless to stop ourselves, to feel powerless to change. We may never have felt powerless to stop drinking, but have felt powerless to stop sinning.
E. But with that said, we must also face the fact that there are many people in our community and in our church who suffer with particular addictions that some of the rest of us don't have, and who likely know far more about the pain of being an addict than I can even imagine. Let me give you just some of the statistics to help us put the problem of addictive behavior into perspective:
- Six million Americans are addicted to cocaine. Americans consume more than 60% of all illegal and addictive drugs in the world. Three billion dollars is spent every year in the U.S. on drug paraphernalia.
- Ten million Americans are addicted to prescription drugs.
- Alcohol is the most widely used drug in America. Two-thirds of the American population drinks on a somewhat regular basis. A tenth of those who drink consume half the alcoholic beverages sold.
- 55 million Americans are addicted to nicotine. Every year 40% of all smokers try to quit. Statistically, most are unsuccessful.
- Between 60 and 80 million Americans are compulsive overeaters. Between 5% and 15% die from their overeating. Americans spend $20 billion every year on weight loss products.
- Eight percent of all women are bulimic (purging themselves by self-induced vomiting); one in every 250 women is anorexic. Ninety-eight percent of women say they would change their looks if they could, and many women have become addicted to plastic surgery.
- As part of the evidence of the sexual addiction of many Americans, consider the fact that 60 million Americans experience sexual abuse by the time they are 18 (one-quarter of the population).
- There are 12 million compulsive gamblers in the U.S. The suicide rate for compulsive gamblers is 20 times the national average.
- An estimated 15 million Americans are addicted to work. These are men and women who become physically ill when they are forced not to work. (This is one I really can't relate to.)
- Finally, it is estimated that every addict directly affects at least ten other people. In a Gallup Poll, 41% said they had suffered physical, psychological or social harm as the result of someone else's drinking.
F. To have an addiction is to be stuck, to be trapped, to be locked in a jail cell with no way out. But that's not the whole picture. According to Jesus, our sin and our addictions may have enslaved and may have locked us up and thrown away the key, but the truth for those of us who know Jesus is that we are locked in a room with open doors.
G. Think about that for a minute. Try to picture being locked in a room with open doors. When I was a kid I became fascinated with Harry Houdini, the greatest escape artist of our time. Houdini could escape from anything. No chains, no sealed boxes, no airtight jail cells could hold him. My favorite story about Harry Houdini is when a small town in England challenged Houdini to try to escape from their jail cell. Houdini boasted he could escape from any jail in the world, and this little English town took the dare. With much fanfare Houdini was shut into the cell while the townspeople and the media waited outside. Most people expected Houdini to make quick work of this challenge; that was certainly Houdini's expectation. But to Houdini's surprise, the door to this little jail cell proved to be harder than usual to crack -- much harder in fact. For an hour Houdini struggled to open the door, with no success. After a brief break, he went back to work. At the end of two hours Houdini was soaked in sweat, utterly exhausted, and -- to his embarrassment -- totally defeated. He could not open this door. In defeat Houdini slumped to the floor and fell against the door -- which to his surprise swung wide open. But the most surprising discovery was still to come. It turned out that Houdini had nothing to do with unlocking that door, because the door had never been locked to begin with. The jailer forgot to lock it. Harry Houdini, the world's greatest escape artist, had been locked in a room with an open door.
H. As addicts, whether we are addicted to some substance or some sin, we are locked in a room with open doors. Jesus has opened the doors for us, and made it possible for us to escape our slavery. But while freedom is possible, it is not automatic, not for any of us. So let's see what we can discover about how to get free from our addictions.
I. The Truth Will Set You Free: Understanding Addictive Behavior
A. Just before Jesus told his listeners that everyone who sins is a slave to sin, he said this: "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:31-32) With that hope in mind, let's spend just a few minutes discovering the truth about addictive behavior.
B. Let me give you a definition of "addiction." An addiction is any self-defeating behavior that a person cannot stop despite its adverse consequences. I've already given you some of the statistics on addictions and some example of addictions, but let's see if we can get a little more sophisticated in our understanding of the problem.
C. First, it is helpful to break down the general problem of addiction into some categories. One way to do that is to note the distinction between substance addictions and process addictions. Substance addictions are addictions to mood-altering substances that are deliberately taken into the body and which almost always create, over time, a physical dependence. I don't have any of those kind of addictions. I don't need to take anything to help me get through the day. As long as I have a gallon of Coke a day, I don't need anything to alter my moods.
D. Process addictions are different. Instead of being addicted to a substance, like caffeine or alcohol or drugs or food, process addictions are addictions to certain behaviors or actions. Gambling and workaholism are just two examples. Another example that might be too close to home for those of us who have grown up in churches is addiction to religion, which is one of the fastest growing addictions in America.
E. Another way of categorizing addictions is to note the distinction between hard addictions and soft addictions. Hard addictions are those addictions we all worry about and we all agree are harmful -- such as addictions to drugs or gambling. The soft addictions are the "socially-sanctioned" addictions, the addictions we sort of wink at and sometimes even laugh about. Workaholism is one of the soft addictions. We almost celebrate workaholism in the Silicon Valley. That's what it takes to get a start-up going -- hard work and long hours to the exclusion of everything else. Here's another soft addiction -- shopaholism. Since I generally hate going shopping, this is another way that's hard for me to relate to, yet on the other hand it really isn't. I've felt the rush of buying something new. I know the intoxication of walking into "The Good Guys" and hearing all these big screen TVs calling me, "Buy me, buy me!" Yet for many people -- male and female -- shopping is an obsession. They buy things they don't need or want because of the rush of buying.
F. So how do we can we tell whether we or someone we love has an addiction? How do we know when they've crossed the line from liking certain substances or behaviors to being addicted to them? And what kind of harm do our addictions cause us? Let me briefly give you five characteristics of addictive behavior and how they impact us.
G. First, addictive behavior is obsessive. When you obsess about something, you invest a great deal of time and emotional energy thinking about your obsession and planning your next "fix." You can't wait to do it again. The thought of not being able to do makes you anxious and panicky. My family will, I'm sure, be glad to tell you about some of my obsessions -- like my obsession with cleaning gutters and vacuuming in straight lines -- but my kids can have their own obsessions. One night Kelsey, our four year old, was pestering me and Brenda for dinner. We were both at our respective desks, and we kept telling her we would have dinner soon. Finally, little Kelsey, who weighs all of 35 pounds with her clothes on, stomped into my office and with a very stern voice announced, "If I don't get something to eat, I'm going to panic!" There you go, one of the signs of an addiction -- panic at the thought of not getting what you want.
H. Second, addictive behavior has negative consequences. A true addiction is harmful to the addict and to the people around him/her. Addictions cause us to live restricted, cramped lives, lives that have little room for people because they are full of our addiction. Addictions limit our capacity to love. Then there are the obvious consequences of addictions -- the destruction of our health, the financial drain, the draining of our energy, the guilt, the destructive things we do to the people around us, including the violence and the abuse of people we love.
I. Third, addictive behavior involves a loss of control. In a true addiction, once you have begun the activity, you find it next to impossible to stop. An alcoholic can't take just one drink; a gambler can't place just one bet; a television addict can't watch just one show.
J. Fourth, there is denial. The addict really believes he/she really is in control. They really believe they can stop anytime. The addict will minimize their problem, he will avoid talking about it, he will blame other people, he will rationalize, he will excuse it, cover it up, and just plain deny that he even does what he does. The experts on addiction, which I am not, are all agreed on this -- Denial is the biggest problem when it comes to overcoming addictions.
K. The fifth characteristic of addictive behavior is what is called tolerance and withdrawal. What this means is that the addict always wants and needs more and more of the substance (or process) in order to feel satisfied. The "high" a person once got from two drinks now takes five drinks. The "high" you once got from making a thousand dollars now takes a lot more, and so you risk more in the stock market or you work longer hours or you do whatever it takes to get more money because you've got to have more money to feel the high again.
L. And at bottom, what is so tragic about our addictions is that they make us less than human. It is not how God designed us to live. I've listed for you the five characteristics of addictive behavior, behavior that makes us less than human. Let me list for you the nine characteristics of a person who is fully human and fully alive, the person who is living life as God designed us to live it. This list comes, in fact, right from God:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Galatians 5:22-23
M. To be fully human and fully alive is to have self-control, to be in control of what you consume, what you think, what you do, and how you treat the people around you. And Jesus tells us that it is possible for us to walk out of the cell of our addiction and through the open door into a life of self-control and joy and peace and goodness if we so choose, that he can give us real help to make a real recovery from our addictions. So how do we do it? How do we who are locked in a room with open doors get free of the addictions that have dehumanized us and threatened to ruin our lives and the lives of the people we love?
II. The Truth Will Set You Free: Getting Real Help For A Real Recovery
A. Let me take you back to Romans 7, that chapter in the Bible where Paul talked about his slavery to sin and his inability to do the good he so much wanted to do. Let me show you how you concludes that chapter of his letter:
I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7:22-25
B. I want you to look closely at that phrase "body of death." Let me tell you what Paul was referring to. That phrase describes a particularly gruesome method of execution used by the Romans in Paul's day. A cadaver would be attached to a condemned person so that the prisoner could not get free from it. The rotting flesh of the carcass would begin to pollute the body of the prisoner. Eventually, the prisoner's own body would become diseased and infected and the prisoner would die a slow, painful death.
C. That, Paul said, is what his addiction to sin was doing to him. And that is what our addictions, including the addiction every one of us has to sin, do to us. Slowly but surely, they kill us. But Paul also discovered the good news that by his death on the cross for our sin and his resurrection from the dead, Jesus had set us free from the body of death. He has cut the cords that bind us to the body of death, he has unlocked the door of our jail cell. And so the first thing all of us who are addicts need to know and to believe is that there is hope. Because of what Jesus did, there is hope we can be free, there is hope we gain regain control of our lives, there is hope we can recover from the havoc and the misery of our addiction, there is hope we can live differently. No matter how far you've fallen, no matter how many years you have been tied to the body of death, no matter how many times you have tried to change and failed, you need to know that there is hope.
D. But as much as I would like to tell you that you can be free of your addiction if you just close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and say "There's no place like home, there's no place like home," the truth is that recovering from a broken will rarely happens overnight. For most of us, recovery is a process, a process of owning up to our addictions and taking responsibility for the hurt we have caused, a process of repenting of our sin and making amends for the damage we've done. And it is a process that only really works when it is done in a community, when it is done with the love and support of other people who can help you a step at a time to walk out the door Jesus has opened.
E. If you have been involved in any kind of recovery group, you know all about the Twelve Step Program. The Twelve Steps were developed by one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson, a doctor who by his own admission was a "drunk." But you may not know that the Twelve Steps are based directly on the Bible. Bill Wilson was a Christian who was inspired and helped in writing the Twelve Steps by his pastor, Rev. Sam Shoemaker, the pastor of Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City. We surely don't have time to talk about each of the Twelve Steps this morning, but let me simply list the basic concepts of the Twelve Steps as summarized by Lyman Coleman:
Step One - Move beyond denial
Step Two - Put our faith in God
Step Three - Repentance
Step Four - Take a moral inventory
Step Five - Admit our wrongs
Step Six - Desire for God to remove our wrongs
Step Seven - Ask God to remove our wrongs
Step Eight - List people we have damaged
Step Nine - Make amends with those we have damaged
Step Ten - Regularly take personal inventory
Step Eleven - Pray, read the Bible, meditate
Step Twelve - Share our experience with others
F. If you are struggling with an addiction, I strongly encourage you to take advantage of the real help that is available to you. There are scores of people who know exactly what you are struggling with and who would love nothing more than to help you begin the journey to wholeness and healing of the Twelve Step Process. We have literature for you in the lobby that you can take with that tells you how to get real help, that lets you know who you can call and where you can go. And you should also know there are many people sitting here this morning who are both qualified and willing to help, if you'll let them.
G. Let me leave you with this one last thought. When Jesus left this earth, his disciples were very scared. They were scared of being alone, they were scared that they would have to do all the things Jesus told them to do on their own, and they weren't sure they could do it. But Jesus didn't leave them alone, and he hasn't left us alone. He sent his Holy Spirit to live in us, to give us the power and the strength and the courage and the will to break free from our addictions. In 2 Timothy 1:7 the Bible says, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." If you are a follower of Jesus, you don't ever need to say, "I just don't have any self-control. I just don't have any discipline." If you are a follower of Jesus, you have the Holy Spirit living in you, and he is a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline. He is your real help for real recovery.

How It Is Without CrackCocaine In My Life

How it is; is nice, very nice, incredibly nice, and phenomenally nice. Life without crack cocaine is life. Outside of death, which is a weird event in itself, nothing could spin me away from the truth I know about crack cocaine. Kind of the same no kidding when one finally gets the God concept! You mean there is a God? No kidding! There is only one. We cannot serve two God’s, so crack’s gotta go. Simple as that.
How it is; is scary and terrifying. Especially since 911. Scary in the evil sense. Terrifying in the you never know sense.
How it is; is I believe even more now that crack cocaine is the devil’s candy. Nothing else has ever worked for me to resist this stuff. As long as it works to resist is all that matters.
How it is; is now I have a wonderful family. I have three beautiful daughters, ages 9,3,and 2. I am happily married to a woman who if she could put up with all that came at her and still want me…there is a God just based on that. I live in a beautiful home in a nice quiet neighborhood and now have healthy financial responsibilities along with being in shock from how good life is now. I just have to keep thinking about all the money spent to smoke crack cocaine...all the money spent…all the money spent…all the money spent…
How it is; is I have been free from crack cocaine for several years. I still work a program. It is my program for me and it works and that is all that matters. I do not go out and party, I do not do much else but go to work about 8½ to 9 hours a day, come home, settle the kids down and get some fun in, eat dinner and do the evening duties and routines that have been established by our family. This works for me. It is only part of my program because “my program” changes to life’s needs, whatever those are at the time of need.
There does come a time when crack cocaine does not dominate your entire mind. It could take some time to get there. It still trickles in little pitiful almost thoughts to try and trip you up, and probably always will. He never knows when he might get one again, but not me.
Just thinking of all the wasted time on smoking crack cocaine is staggering. Now I get the most out of the time a day gives. Today I am not rushed to get more and more and more of anything, especially crack cocaine. Having a new peaceful heart allows me the good fortune of not doing the crack cocaine spin. I am able to keep my balance. Looking back it is hard to come up with why crack cocaine had such a hold on me, except that it is the devil’s candy.
I did not run to alcohol or other drugs to compensate for the loss of crack cocaine. There is no other substance that gripped me like crack cocaine did. In other scenarios where someone should not either drink or maybe do prescription drugs or any other drug is an individual situation. Not all people who fall victim to crack cocaine are alcoholics or addicts. This fact goes completely the opposite direction of the addiction disease treatment plans. A lot of crack-heads are other heads of something…so to say it is just a possession for them is probably one or two steps away from being reality to them in their lives. In some cases or maybe most concerning certain other mood altering substances, zero usage is the way. Most will have to find out for themselves. I will never agree to someone going clean and slurping down just a 6-pack every night, soon to be just a few more…
Now that my life is activated, my wife and myself (had a social life before our last 2 children) have fun. Sometimes we toast with wine, and sometimes we pop a cold one. Most of the time we do neither. We believe in the sanctity of our marriage. We sit out on the deck in our cool back yard and enjoy cooking burgers on the grill while the girls share turns jumping on the trampoline that has a cannot fall through surround attached to it, like a huge play-pen.
When life is about truth, honesty and faith, is when it gets real peaceful. Inwardly peaceful. The outside worldly stuff keeps its usual pace. Family. That one word is what life is all about, in any kingdom. My family, your family, their family, God’s family. All levels. I guess this is the one crack-crap thing that is to me the first clear warning sign that something is definitely wrong. When the family structure decays from crack cocaine, this is the casting of the crew. You are being picked for a performance. By destroying the family, our strength and structure are seriously diminished. This allows the candy to appear so sweet. The instant wow this is so intensely good……and the race is now on. How it is…great.

A Scriptural Journey...defining CrackCocaine

I find power and relief in the printed word, in both reading and writing, more in the writing than the reading. When my despair was below hitting bottom, I started writing anything that came to mind. I also started reading all I could, especially when the words felt healing. Then to be able to write words that felt healing and then to add playing guitar notes that seemed to blend together and these felt soothing, all this seemed to be what I was supposed to be doing. At the time I had no idea what it all meant but it felt like peaceful spiritual progress was being made in ever so teeny tiny microscopic baby steps…and the positive forces of life were leading me down into new territory and I was very willing to go.
When I describe scriptures and their meaning to me, this is part of how “my program” works for me. When I read scriptures and a meaning jumps out at me, I go with it. Most probably do not go along with a pastoral translation, but as long as words are not added or subtracted or changed then whatever meaning penetrates the evil crack stench bubble, than so be it. If it works then maybe God meant just that meaning for just you to believe and practice. All that really matters is that crack disappears from the face of the earth, and with the power of printed scriptures for us to benefit from, seek and you will find the right meaning for you the user or you the victim.
The first scripture that I read that actually felt real and that it might be true or at least I was desperately hoping could be true was Psalm 34. I was living in a rat and cock-roach infested rooming hotel. Every drug addict, pimp and easy crack babe were no further than 50 feet away at any given moment. After reading Psalm 34 I felt a very slight faint glimmer of possible hope. It was so small you would miss it if your heart was not actually crying out for relief from the madness of smoking crack cocaine. It was years later that I was crack-free. I am hoping in my heart I can save people some time with my truths exposed. Anything could help, a word, a song, a person who has been there and knows the truth. PSALM 34 - “I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. Come, my children, listen, to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; the face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken. Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems his servants; no one who takes refuge in him, will be condemned”. I really wanted what this was saying. I needed to have it or I would die. This only planted a less than mustard seed in my heart. I soon turned my back again and went for the madness of smoking crack. The words in Psalm 34 spoke to my heart daily. I chose to ignore them. The hope was there, but the sweetness of the devil’s candy was overpowering. What a journey this would be.
I sought scriptures that could place some semblance in the madness surrounding my zero life. I had tried everything else, nothing was or seemed to help or work in ridding my soul of this horrible contamination from the devil’s candy. God’s word penetrated the evil crack stench bubble that up until now had been able to block any attempt to be crack-free.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened”. Matthew 7:7-8
*The initiative has to come from oneself. No one else can implement this. No matter how much desire or simply wanting the end stage or magic poof cleanness, none of this will likely happen on our time. Our time is just that-our time. The frustrating part is asking without instant results. In fact with crack the complete opposite seems or actually does occur. The instant I asked from the heart, it still took 3 more years (on my time) to be free completely from crack. Evidently my lessons were not done yet. The door was opened, I just had to hang on and trust God and keep going through that door until it closed behind me.
Jesus said, “What is impossible with men is possible with God”. Luke 18:27
I was around treatment people all 105 of them and being drilled that we are addicts and alcoholics period. Nothing more nothing less. This seemed very phony. I did not relate to this way of thinking. I gave it my best attempt, but just could not convince myself that this is it and that is all it is! I always felt it was a contamination of some sort, unable to identify it but felt it was. It definitely was stronger and more power than a room full of people preaching treatment and meetings and zero about the truth of the spiritual binding element that crack cocaine has, but then maybe they did not know from lack of true experience with the crack-bite and not from some page from a clinical textbook, page 402, section 13. Realizing it IS the devil’s candy allows my faith to overcome this sweetness of deception. It still is a daily spiritual battle; but now because of my faith in God, I have trust in HIS deliverance.
“Daughter your faith has healed you, go in peace and be free from your suffering”.
Mark 5:34
This scripture had me running out a door to get to a safe place. I went to yet another ‘treatment’ place, and it was a very horrifying experience for my soul and spirit. I will not say the name exactly, merely because in case someone is getting the “help” they need to get clean. This place was a “Challenge” especially for teens…I do not want to bury this places policies, but at the time I was there, it was a mess. I was there less than 15 minutes and joined the prayer group in the gym. Within minutes people were falling back on the floor kind of flopping and speaking in what they were calling tongues. The hair on the back of neck was completely standing straight up, stiffly. Some new arrivals came into the room and within minutes a few of them were flopping and speaking in the “hahbah hahbah aahhcktoo hahbah” stuff. Huh? What the heck is all this I asked quite bluntly. I was there to get better and really needed it and really wanted it, and now this phony stuff. I was told that this speaking is the manifestation of the ‘Holy Spirit”. I said yeah and…I was then told if you do not speak like this then you do not have the ‘Holy Spirit’ in you!! HUH? What a mess. I am here less than 30 minutes and this is not good. I was also a vegetarian at the time, and kindly asked for an extra banana or a salad and someone can have my calico beef slice of whatever it was, or they could have my gray hotdog and could I get maybe an extra yogurt or something. I was told quite sternly, when you are here long enough (this was a year program) you WILL eat what we serve or go hungry. This is bad. Real bad! How am I going to make it through this for a year. I went out to the back forty where we could go for walks. I completely broke down. I wanted to get better but this was not the place or program for me to do it. I was hurting so bad. I could not leave. That would be failure and everyone would think I do not want to stop smoking crack. This is a mess. No one would answer my calls and no outside world things were allowed. One day cleaning walls that were not dirty, but had to clean anyway, lunch was ready…hmmm….gray hot dogs, a huge mound of cheetos, 1 green apple and water with no ice. I was loosing it and very, very hungry. I had not eaten very much. I tried to find things to eat but you could not switch food with someone who might like too. I am really hungry. I left the lunch line and ran up to my room that housed 45 men in bunk beds 38 inches apart. I cried as silently as one could. With tears flooding my eyes I read Mark 34:5. I wanted to leave. They would not let me. They brought me into the office and had numerous people pray over me and speak (or whatever it was) in tongues. I was numb from remembering an earlier incident in the gym on a Saturday night about 9:30 PM , when a guy grabbed my shoulders and started squinting and chanting and sweating and shaking kind of jolting me while he did the tongue thing. I threw his hands away and got in his face and asked him what the hell he was doing? He said praying for you. If this is how you pray for me, forget it, I do not need that! All this was too creepy for me. Now I am in this office with these weird people speaking in this tongue garbage, holding me hostage, at least that is how I felt. Finally, four hours later I got my $10 from my personal money and they brought me down to the bus station to get back home, even though I had no home. When I called my family to please pick me up at the bus station, it was, well pretty bad. They thought I left because I did not want to stop using crack…when in reality I left to save my soul and spirit. I felt very weird there, like a spell was being cast on me..?! I know it does not sound right…but my truths have set me free and maybe they can help set someone else possessed free. What an experience.
“but I know you. I know that you do not have the love of God in your hearts”.
John 5:42
Not just lip service, from the heart. This is just a place that we get to from grace, mercy and perseverance. When we fall in love, we have little control over our hearts. We are also more vulnerable to getting our hearts crushed when our hearts are fixed on something and that something lets us down. God will never let you down. When our hearts fall in love with God, our focus becomes content and candy proof. Ask God from the heart to start the journey to being crack-free, and trust it will be done. This does not mean out of desperation from a crisis, this means after a clean period of time from crack, maybe 30 days or so, or better yet just time enough for your soul to neutralize, so acceptance can enter.
“I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism, but accepts men from every nation who fears him and do what is right”.
Acts 10:34-35
No crack-head is left out of God’s grace & mercy. The ‘fallen angel’ loves this lie. I felt that I was left out. I kept thinking ‘I’m a crack-head and will never rid myself of this insidious stuff”. I kept hoping God’s grace will go to whoever fears HIM, and does the right thing; like maybe me? A radio personality states it true when she says, “Now go do the right thing”! How true! God accepts us as from wherever, and HE will deliver our souls from the devil’s candy, when our faith has more space in our head than our desire or even just thoughts of smoking crack cocaine. The fear of God has to outweigh the fear of the consequences of smoking crack cocaine period!
“but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance: perseverance, character; and character, hope”.
Romans 5:3-4
There is that word, hope. Hope I can quit. I am sorry and regret that my lessons from smoking crack cocaine hurt my family, friends, my daughter, my wife. Hopefully from my perseverance to keep trying to find what would work for me, will help balance my life now. Why I am here today is directly from Susan and Camille. My daughter and my wife. There have been a lot of people affected by my crack-crap, my mother stressed herself to help find a way, my sister and I lost a chunk from our seamless brother sister relationship, my father just plain buried me early to avoid the reality that it might truly have happened, my brother stayed neutral and now that is a very good thing because I have a good relationship with my brother instead of loosing a chunk here too, I even exposed my crack cocaine behavior to my 80 year old grandmother and to my uncles family, and I am sure that there are others that have all tried and contributed to helping Todd. With even just a little faith in me I am sure pulled some weight. Prayers do get answered. I prayed right in the middle of the despair pit for a daughter and a woman to marry. Both were given to me. I am blessed to have Susan and Camille in my life. Both are phenomenal women, and I believe sent to answer my prayer.
“You shouldn’t stop giving yourselves to each other except when you both agree to do so. And that should be only to give yourselves time to pray for a while. Then you should come together again. In that way Satan will not tempt you when you can’t control yourselves”.
1 Corinthians 7:5
This is obvious. Life for us now is; Camille deals with the victims, and I deal with the user. We separated ourselves to pray for the madness to stop…we got back together…we are giving of ourselves…it says Satan WILL NOT TEMPT…this IS true…it may not feel like it, but we persevered and have faith…faith is the trigger for releasing God’s awesome power…

Agape Love in 75 Days

There are many ways to stop smoking crack-cocaine. As simple as this seems, it really is true. Crack-cocaine lies. It convinces you that you can have IT and a life, you just have to work it out…again…and again…and again.
This booklet is in a format that without a doubt saved my life. When I was jotting down all these notes, I had no idea it would come to this. As we know GOD has weird ways to get us where HE wants us to be. HIS way works.
It takes 75 days to completely get the spiritual possession (not the secular addiction) of crack-cocaine out. The secular addiction is an on going life long dilemma as long as we buy into we can never completely get rid of an addiction. Well this is not true. This is from our experiences and truths. Clinically it can take about 75 hours. This is not a clinical battle. The spiritual and mind possession can tempt and prod you for quite awhile longer than this format is set up to do. When you do get to the end of the 75 days, the plan and goal is to be exposed to the real truths about crack-cocaine and to have disarmed it to the point that it has started to leave you alone so you can work your program and fight the spiritual battle of your life, for your life. The following pages are set up to be a daily guide. Each day will have one spiritual issue with a scripture of reinforcement. My daughter Sue says we should do these as memory verses. I agree. We also have a quip of the day. There will be more than one spiritual issue per day coming at you, but our focus is on how to accomplish one issue at a time. Each day away from crack-cocaine brings us closer to being completely free from crack. With a true desire and the understanding of where this stuff is really coming from and its only mission to destroy; this understanding and desire will bring you the strength necessary for success. Our measure of success is in our 1st belief and to quote: We believe in each success, not every failure. Success is what you make of it. When contaminated, an hour can be great success.
I do suggest that when a fall, slip, relapse, or picking up again, or whatever term works for you…IMMEDIATELY get back up and go to where you LEFT off…and do it again and again and again until you get it right. Ultimately it goes full circle…and remember…it took me 3 years AFTER I knew what I know now as the truth revealed to my soul as to what this stuff really is…this approach works for me and crack-cocaine will never penetrate me again…this is ONE thing I do know for sure about crack-cocaine… BUT do not worry…I am not too confident…it is just when you do finally get how to do this…it is simple.



from Agape Love by Marilyn Lyon

Todd called me as soon as he was able to tell me the news. Pat the social worker at the Bail Bond Dept. had already called me to tell me she had appeared in court and Todd was definitely going into a Re-Hab Program. Todd and I waited anxiously for an opening to come up. He was euphoric but very nervous and very serious.
He had wished for a long-term residential program for so long and thought it to be hopeless. Now that this had arrived he was terrified that it too would not work. He was terrified that he was hopeless. He was moving neared to that place where crack-heads can not stop and can not live as a crack-head any more.
He finally heard of an opening and was scheduled to move in immediately. He called and gave me a list of things he needed me to buy at the store, and which of his clothes he needed. I had already packed his bag. It had been waiting for weeks. When I arrived with toiletries from the store he had made a list of the cost of each one and totaled them including tax.
"I can get a job and a pass to go to work after I have been here a month. I will pay you back from my first check". And he did.
I visited him every Saturday afternoon for 2 hours. He was both serious and euphoric with energy, zest, confidence and dedication. The old Todd was back. He was very happy and impressed with his caseworker that was on the premises every day. She was able to put what was best for the patient 1st. She gave him many books to read and he devoured each one, taking notes on them! He would bring the book and his notebook to the visiting room when I visited and talked about each one in detail. He even had me get the books I had read from the library and let her read them. Todd was ready to take any program, good or bad into his heart and try and make it work.
He talked non-stop for 2 hours every week. It seems he had lucked out at this facility, which housed people from a large area, even out of state. It involved some serious felony prisoners and all types of substance abuse. Consequently the program was broad and varied. The reading material covered a range of ideas about crack. The lectures were balanced with a variety of types of people with a variety of approaches to various abuses. Meetings were held with a format ranging from AA's to a newer more free-form supportive more positive approach. Todd soon found leaders he admired and identified with. Something that had never happened at meetings he had gone to before.
He was both terrified at the thought of leaving the facilities and impatient to have a life again. He took to heart one of the main aspects of the program, which was whatever is bothering you, whoever is bothering you, however small and insignificant, please, please tell us immediately. Your happiness and peace is very important to us. Your recovery is #1 in our life. We will do anything to help you get there. He became an avid complainer. It always worked. This was his first taste in 6 years of wanting to live his life in a certain way and having control over something that was making this difficult or impossible.
Of all the things he devoured here, that one helped him to take the biggest step. Control over his life control over crack.
While he put everything under a microscope, in every aspect of his life, he began to separate the people around him. Those who were not interested those who were weak and those who 'might' make it. This was another mark off point for him. Seeing himself and seeing those around him just as they really are.
People in the program assured him continually that his recovery was his recovery. Whatever program worked, was the right one. Whatever people helped him, were the right people. He was the free agent here who could design and find exactly what he needed. He was OK. He did not have to fit into an AA program. He could find his own personal program. If someone designated as help, and this person did not say things that had meaning to him, he had the right to reject them and find other people. In spite of this TLC, Todd constantly admired those counselors who also had, a you can not bullshit me, I know all the moves tough and brutally honest, and even a little cynical. He recognized this combination as real tough love.
The counselors did not spend a lot of time on how lethal crack was, or how desperate the life of a crack-head was. Most were pretty well aware of by now. There were those there who did not want to know. The why's were left a lot to the individual to find. The what's were stressed. Not so much here is a list of how to's, but what could work for you. In the midst of a monolithic mortally lethal substance epidemic, with no road maps, were these brave souls-the counselors and addicts were trying to find their way out of the wilderness together. That is what made it work. Together. Crack-heads do not need experts to write out a program in stone. They need people to work with them through this wilderness, pooling resources as if they were a combat unit shedding real tears when one of them did not make it.
I studied his body language. I studied his words. I studied his program and for the first time I was content. I would not hook myself into making stone chiseled proclamations. It would be 9 months out of the program before any of us would say, "I think he is going to make it". But I felt something shift in him. There was new grease in the gears.
He felt it too and there were days when he knew positively that he could do it. And days when he was terrified to be out there alone again. He wanted to leave every day and get restarted on recapturing life again, but he was terrified too. As though some monster from "Alien" was out there looking for any organization of society to eliminate, and it was just him and this slimy grotesque animal to battle it out. He counted the days to his release and clung more tightly to what was around him!
It seemed that no matter how strong he was, how armed, how padded, there was still this terror of this monster out there. Was he really strong enough, armed enough, and padded enough? What was enough? It was the nightmare of all nightmares. It was the creature of all creatures.
It was that his brother Scott who came down every Sunday to pick him up and drop him off at a church. By then Scott believed only GOD could give any real guarantees in Todd's life and none of us cared who gave Todd the key, we just wanted him to have it. We were all dedicated in our own way to try and bring it all into Todd's life, to try.
If you ask Todd what was the key that finally took away that terror that still lurked inside him, even with the Re-Hab Program working miracles in his life, he will tell you he prayed and prayed for GOD to take away the desire for crack. Because this was the terror inside him even with all the tools, the strength and the steps to help him, he was terrified that the desire was still there and might be more powerful.
Until one day he walked out of the church and the desire was gone. He said from that day on, "I never think of crack. I have no thoughts about it and am not interested in it. I have no reason to or no need to ever do it again.
The terror inside him was so great, this miracle to Todd was above and beyond anything else. His need to have; no thoughts or interest or desire for crack, as well as the emotional and intellectual tools and so eliminate the terror of a monster that had gripped his life for 6 years was so important to him that there were no miracles above this one.
I can live with that. Certainly I believe most completely in miracles, and GOD"S power. I also believe GOD helps those who help themselves and who know what to do with that help and who truly needs it. And HE helps those who help others.
Todd's miracle was a package deal. He did try to help himself and we learned how to help him. Many people including a society of people, the counselors bravely walking through wilderness with no road map for crack-heads. Pat at Bail Bonds Dept., whose last name I never knew, came into our lives so briefly yet was part of this miracle. I would not want to take one card form the house of cards for fear it would all tumble down. It is hard for me to separate any one part of all the things that helped Todd, and say this is the one that really did it. He traveled a long road with many people to even get miracle status. Perhaps he needed to. But for Todd, after collecting all he had collected on his journey, and taking this journey with all the people he did, his terror of the desire was the greatest obstacle and only GOD could remove that. And HE did.
My daughter said, "You had a lot to do with this. I do not know if it would have happened without you". Why didn't I feel that's true? I would stop and think when she said it, of what specifically did I do that made a difference? I never could pinpoint it. I do think it was not as people think it was. Similar, but not the same. Certainly there were things I did with no motivation other than help or cure Todd. But that could not be sustained for long in the chaotic ups and downs, disappointments and failures of having a crack-head son. What I did was sustain myself. Help myself to get through it. Made myself feel as good as I possibly could to endure it. Had he died, I would have been able to draw on this. As it was it got me through. And in the process helped him. It did not cure him. Only he could do that.
He was not entirely alone, either. Neither was I, because it was a very lonely time for both of us. To death, or to life, I had to take that walk with him, or I could not have lived with it.
AGAPE LOVE? It seems too perfect a feat for me. Maybe a mini Agape Love was achieved-sometimes.